


Orders From On High

by LaDragonaria



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Mildly Dubious Consent, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 41,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDragonaria/pseuds/LaDragonaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So, Anderson is worried about Shepard and comes to the conclusion that Shepard needs to have a deep emotional connection, something to live for, something to love, in order for the fight against the Reapers to succeed.</p>
<p>Kaidan is a good Alliance soldier who'll do anything for the sake of the mission.</p>
<p>Anderson orders Kaidan to be that person for Shepard.</p>
<p>Kaidan finds it difficult for whatever range of reasons Anon chooses. Didn't think he was gay. Not over Horizon and having to fight his own doubts and feelings about it as well as Shepard's. Freaked out by Shepard's cybernetics, but having to reassure Shepard about them."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is one that started in the Mass Effect Kink Meme.
> 
> There's going to be many many chapters to this, mostly because the Kink Meme had a character limit so I hope that doesn't bother anyone!

Vancouver - The day the Reapers invaded

 

Kaidan Alenko, now a Major, sighed slightly as he had to talk to a Defense Committee. He wasn't sure what to say. Somehow Shepard was always the one who was good at inspiring speeches. Maybe the man was Abraham Lincoln in a past life. He had a way of making people safe that Kaidan... well, he wasn't assuring anyone. He would just be glad when he could leave and go home. He had been planning on calling his parents earlier that morning but was running late and decided against it. In the coming weeks that thought would haunt him more than anything.

He found himself stopped after the meeting by Anderson. It wasn't so much as him being stopped as no one walks past Anderson when he wants a word with you.

"Major, I need to ask you a favor."

"Me?"

"Yes. It's technically an order but I'm hoping you can do it as a personal favor to me, Shepard and yourself."

"What does Shepard have to do with this?" Shepard was still a rather prickly subject for the Major. After Horizon, he was in a constant state of flux about Shepard. Seeing the Normandy blow up and having buried him and mourned him for two years... only to show up on Horizon like a hurricane. It was like he was saying 'Surprise! I'm not dead and I've got some new friends and a new mission. Oh and sorry half the colonists on Horizon were lost on your watch and they hate you even more for it.' He felt his lips purse in agitation.

"You and I both know the Reapers are on their way from dark space. And you and I both know we're not all getting out of this alive."

"...Yeah?"

"And we also both know that Shepard is our best bet against them. He's the only human Spectre. Saw the Prothean destruction. Went to Ilos. Saved the Citadel. Destroyed Sovereign. Stopped Saren and Matriarch Benezia. Stopped the geth. Saved the council not to mention a bunch of human colonists. Blew up a Collector base. He's our best bet in this war. Hackett and I will hold the line behind him but no one - not from any species - commands the kind of respect and admiration that Shepard does, not just with humans but with all races. Hell, even some of the batarians like him."

"I'm still not sure exactly what this has to do with me..." Kaidan tried not to let Shepard's achievements impress him too much.

"He needs someone. Shepard's only one man. Even if the galaxy knows him as a hero, he still had help and he can't do it alone."

"I'm sensing a but coming..."

"But... he's never lost whole worlds before. Millions will die. That kind of stress breaks people down. Shepard... Shepard needs someone to hold onto. Someone to give him strength. And that person needs to be you."

"...I... Wait. Are you asking me to be his husband?"

"Whatever he needs you to be. Boyfriend. Lover. He's going to need it."

"But why me?" Kaidan felt suddenly pulled back. Again. Whenever Shepard came into his life he was immediately yanked from everything he'd known and shot into something he wasn't expecting and wasn't prepared for. A feeling of anticipation and fear welled up in his stomach.

"I know it might not be the way you imagined it - if you even imagined it at all..." Kaidan flinched. "But you've been with him from the beginning."

"So have Garrus. Liara. Wrex. Tali even."

"No, you've been with him since Eden Prime. Where everything began. The only other person who was there was..."

"Ash..."

"Right. You two share more emotional connection than you're willing to admit. And he's going to need it."

"...You want me to just... be his boyfriend or something?"

"No. Not at first. Maybe you won't even need to go that far. Start by being his friend."

"But-"

"That stuff on Horizon is behind you now. If you can't keep Shepard grounded... keep him from losing his mind... he'll break."


	2. Chapter 2

Vancouver to Mars

A few hours passed and the words were still swirling in his mind. Hell, he didn't even know if Shepard even swung that way. He knew enough that Shepard didn't seem interested in men back in the beginning. He wasn't there for the Collector-Cerberus deal. But from the way Anderson said it, everyone had either moved on or weren't involved with Shepard anymore.

Damn.

His stomach churned as he thought it over.

He'd never been with a man. There were always the jokes that went on while soldiers showered of course or someone dropping the soap on purpose just for a laugh but he'd never actually considered it. He didn't consider John unattractive but he'd never thought about it before.

"Would this make me bisexual...?" He wondered aloud before he reminded himself to keep his voice down. 

He'd only thought of a few people as special. Sure Shepard was... something else but all of his previous sexual experiences had been with women and now he found himself thinking of Rahna. Imagining Rahna wrapping her arms around him whenever a migraine struck. Now he was imagining Shepard's burlier arms wrapping around him, kissing him on the cheek to comfort him. It wasn't entirely unpleasant but he felt like he was perverting a special memory of Rahna when he thought of it.

And then in walked Shepard.

And the air suddenly left his lungs and his mouth dried. He looked a bit forlorn... a bit hurt. Seeing Shepard walk in after such a long time.

He was present for the conversation but his mind wasn't really in it. All he could do was replay how Shepard seemed to be around whenever the worst struck. He spotted a look from Anderson and turned away.

He then spent much of the next few tumultuous hours by James Vega's side. The Reapers were landing and knocking everything down and for this brief period his mind was more focused on his family than Shepard until they were back on the Normandy... Anderson waving them off as they left orbit.

His heart sunk. Vancouver was reduced to rubble rather quickly. And no word from his parents. 

Before he even had a moment to catch his breath they were off to Mars. 

Here it was again. Being yanked along again by Shepard. From one life-changing tragedy to the next. Trying to shrug off the pain of the last mission to deal with the next one. Trying to shake the hurt because it wasn't just Vancouver that was depending on them, but the rest of the galaxy... ah shit... according to Anderson, Shepard was relying on him. And through Shepard, the galaxy was relying on him. 

He felt himself go numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, there is some sexual tension and some not-quite-so-graphic sexy time later on in the story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confronting the past is always difficult.

Mars

Considering the mission on Mars ended with him getting his skull half-bashed in by a synthetic lackey, Kaidan remembered it rather well. They were near the Mars Archives looking for Liara. If anyone could get themselves into extreme amounts of trouble it was Liara. Mars was a dusty beige planet and the dust storm was coming their way. Kaidan even preferred the dust to the Reapers.

Shepard wasted no time in barking orders again. The bastard. Did he think he could disappear for so long, show up with Cerberus and then expect him to follow him blindly? After every order Kaidan found himself more and more mistrusting of the Commander. Maybe death followed Shepard. How often did it happen that Shepard arrived too little too late and everyone was dead or dying or being dragged off into a Collector ship or he was frozen in place while bug-like Collectors clicked and appraised him while stuffing colonists into coffins and... 

Shit. He was reliving that nightmare again. Being paralyzed and nearly abducted. And Shepard comes in to save the day. Now there were dead Alliance soldiers - some he recognized and no one was going to save them now. 

"Cerberus! They're executing people now?" Vega's words caught Kaidan off-guard. Sure, he didn't trust Cerberus but no one would have expected Cerberus to kill a human. Kaidan bit his lip as they cut through Cerberus troops, sending a few flying.

"Did you know about this?" Kaidan asked sharply.

"No. I haven't been in contact with Cerberus. Since-"

"Since he blew up the base and told the Illusive Man to shove it. Shepard's been under constant surveillance since then..."

Kaidan felt somewhat embarrassed. Maybe he was misjudging John too quickly. He still told himself he had no reason to trust Shepard.

"You have to admit it's pretty convenient. Horizon. Now Mars. They DID rebuild you..." A note of accusation in his voice.

"Is there a problem, Major?" Shepard seemed taken aback by Kaidan's tone and now Kaidan himself was struggling with his words and feelings. Too much overlap.

"No. I. I don't know."

"I know you've been through a lot, Kaidan. And then Earth."

"That's just it, John. You don't know what I've been through. Not even a little." Kaidan's words were more prickly than he would have wanted. Shepard had no idea. Not about Vancouver. Or Anderson's orders. But this was no way to get close to Shepard either. He was just spinning his wheels.

"...Fine. Fair enough. Are we going to be able to get past Horizon?"

"...I don't know, John."

Thankfully, Liara's unscheduled drop through the vents gave them a chance to ignore what they were feeling and focus on a target. Fighting through a facility, hearing Liara attempt to be sympathetic - which was kind but Kaidan knew she was just like Shepard in that she didn't understand. She wanted to but she just couldn't. But she was trying.

And... shit. Shepard was trying too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please just note that in most cases, I kind of gloss over the action of it all. That wasn't really what I wanted to do, but it's what happened with the character limit of the Kink Meme.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I have this thing for Liara being helpful and Kaidan being a bit angsty but I do.

Mars (continued)

Kaidan took a deep breath and tried to focus on the mission at hand. It wasn't as if he could convince Shepard to run away with him while they were in the middle of gunfire. It gave him a nice chance to... put his mind to thinking of his next move.

"The major has become very capable."

Liara noted to Shepard with a note of approval.

He wasn't sure if he should feel happy by that or somewhat insulted. Was he not capable before? No, Liara didn't mean it like that. Kaidan was used to following orders but as a Major and after Horizon he had more experience giving out the orders. Knowing, like Shepard knew, that not everyone would make it through the fight changed you somehow. You did your best, not because you didn't want to pull the team down or because you wanted brownie points from the squad leader, but because you knew if you messed up someone might die. 

Liara looked over Shepard's face, gently. She had a way of being able to read people.

"Are you and the Major not on speaking terms?"

"What gave you that impression?" John said sarcastically in a hushed tone.

"I take it he still mistrusts you."

"I can't say I blame him. After working with Cerberus and all."

"Really? I thought you were using them." Liara smirked lightly. 

"Yeah. I did use them. But I still don't think he fully trusts me."

"Then try to earn his trust. Does he have a sister you can help rescue or is he perhaps on trial for high treason?"

"How did you... right. Shadow Broker."

"Yes. Though Tali did tell me about the trial. In glowing details. Her knight in shining armor."

"Yeah. It was pretty rough. She just lost her father and then the Admiralty Board just dumped all over her even still."

"And hasn't the Major suffered too? How did you get through it with Tali?"

"I guess I was there for her. She mourned. I'm sure not getting exiled helped a bit."

"Then be there for the Major. He was born on Earth. In Vancouver. And he saw it crumble. He's a refugee now in a way. Just be there for him. You're good at that, Shepard."

"...Thanks, Liara."

"Happy to help. Though we should hurry. We need these plans to stop the Reapers."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some spoilers in this story, if you haven't caught on.

Mars to the Citadel

Back when they first served together, Kaidan was somewhat shy. Not shy exactly but reserved. He seemed like a private person. The two of them had shared their experiences like Kaidan in Brain Camp but it was easy for them to be overshadowed by the stories of Tali and the Migrant Fleet or Wrex and his family issues. Kaidan was almost a wallflower in those times. But he was a genuine and kind person. 

There was just something about him.

And it was so different from the angry and mistrustful Kaidan he'd known as of late. They'd mourned Ashley together on a deeper level than anyone else had. Liara and Tali were sympathetic of course. Garrus and Wrex were of course hurt but their cultures knew that losses were unavoidable. 

Had their friendship really run its course? Shepard decided he would need to talk with Kaidan later and hopefully clear the air. Hopefully then they could be friends.

They neared the main room while plowing through Cerberus forces in their way and while Shepard talked business with the Illusive Man, Kaidan swept the room.

"Step away from the console! Now!" 

The doctor from the surveillance videos who was working with the Illusive Man was downloading data. He leveled his gun at her prepared to shoot, though perhaps not so prepared as she decked him and made a run for it.

Kaidan barely had time to shake off the dizziness before he was running after her with Liara and Shepard. Jumping over vents, running around obstacles, avoiding blasts from the doctor... it seemed a bit like a flashback to Feros for a minute. His eyes saw the looming dust storm, lightning crackles and knew they were running out of time.

She was fast. Nimble. And way too strong for her own good. Kaidan felt his legs getting tired now knowing that they were losing the race. She boarded her shuttle! Was it over?

Kaidan couldn't believe it as another shuttle slammed into the Cerberus one. It was a loud bang that knocked him off of his feet. When he came to, he was stumbling and trying to help Liara off the ground. 

"We need that data!" 

That was what his mind was telling him through the haze of the smoke too.

He nearly jumped seeing the... doctor? She was a synthetic and coming towards them fast. He moved on instinct, shooting at her but felt the grip around his neck through his armor. Christ she was strong!

And angry.

"Orders?" She heard the synthetic utter and that was the last thing he really remembered for a while.

Being slammed repeatedly did enough to rattle his implant and knock him unconscious. He knew he was in trouble but all he could hear was Shepard in his mind.

He wasn't sure if it was his mind playing tricks on him. But it did make him happy for a small moment before the blackness washed over him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every so often I catch a typo in my work and weep. That's normal right?

The Citadel

By the time Kaidan first awoke, he was in a hospital bed being stared at by two doctors. The first he recognized as Dr. Chakwas and the second he recognized as Dr. Michel after she stopped shining the light in his eyes to test his focus or pupils or... whatever the tiny flashlight was for. 

It was only after that he realized that his shirt was nowhere to be seen. It was times like these he missed regular hospital gowns. At least he got to keep his underwear but having his chest on display was not something he was used to. 

"Oh good, you are awake." Dr. Michel's accent sounded pleasant despite the throbbing headache.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit in the head by a cinder block a couple times?" Kaidan answered smartly as he tried to move.

"Can you remember anything, Kaidan?" Dr. Chakwas stared intently.

"I remember the metal doctor. And Mars."

"Well, I'm glad you're not experiencing any amnesia. I'll be sure and let Commander Shepard know."

"Shepard? He's okay?"

"Oh yes. He's the one who brought you here."

Of course he was.

"And he visited you before speaking with the Council."

Of course he did. Though, he was happy to know he ranked higher than the Council.

The time in Huerta Memorial gave him adequate thinking time since there wasn't much else to do. He was told not to use his biotics for a while and after the barrage of tests and more tests and food that made him even miss the Normandy's food, he was starting to go a bit stir-crazy. 

But at least it helped him put his feelings in perspective for the moment. If nothing else, Shepard would always rescue him. He wasn't sure he liked how that sounded. Being the survivor while Ash had died rattled him for a while. Sometimes it even kept him awake at night. Wondering what could have been. Or would have been.

Well, there was no 'would have been'. He'd be dead. Unless somewhere Ashley was being brought back from the dead by Cerberus after being vaporized... That thought made him a little queasy... or was that just the medicine?

If nothing else, Shepard would be there for him. Always. He felt himself blush. He couldn't tell if that was a confession on his part or him rationalizing the choice he had to make... his duty was to be there and... love Shepard. And not in the admiration, saved the world love, but real love. 

He wasn't sure if he was consenting to it or not but he did feel something for Shepard, whether it be friendship or loyalty or gratitude. But maybe that was enough for a start?

It was making his head hurt. 

And then he walked in.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a theory that Shepard's dancing isn't really that bad. He pretends to dance terribly to put people at ease. And that's why he gets the guys/girls/aliens. Though, it's really good faking.

The Citadel

Shepard walked in to visit, hearing that Kaidan was awake and the doctors were letting him see the Major. For a while it seemed like it would just be like the Collector phase of his military career. Knowing Kaidan was around. Somewhere. But not really hearing from him. He'd forgotten how much he enjoyed talking to him. It wasn't that he could talk to another human... considering he had Joker, Traynor, Vega and Cortez for that but Kaidan and he had history. And it was a complicated history.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Like a robotic woman used my head as a battering ram. You?"

"Pretty good. All things considered."

"Dodged any explosions recently?"

"A few. Fighting Reapers near Palaven. Garrus came along with us."

"How is Scarface?"

"He's... Well, he's holding up. Are you?"

"Yeah. I think so. Hey, listen..." Kaidan searched for the words. "I wanted to apologize for that stuff."

"It's okay." Shepard smiled. Damn him.

"No it's not. I mean... 'that stuff' makes it sound like it's not important but Horizon. And Mars. I didn't trust you. I'm sorry."

"And do you trust me now?"

"...I still don't trust Cerberus." Shepard's smile lessened a bit. "But I trust you. I know you're doing everything you can. And I got the feeling you and the Illusive Man aren't on speaking terms. Unfortunately that feeling was that doctor playing wall ball with my face."

"So I saw you and Udina there."

"Oh. Yeah. About that..." He'd only been half-listening to Udina when he was there. It was another choice that would affect his life in an immeasurably great way. Those kinds of choices seemed to be happening to him more and more lately. 

"For what it's worth, I think you'd be a great Spectre. Not sure I can make it to the ceremony and all but..."

"Yeah, I figured that. You've got worlds to save."

"But I brought you this." Shepard smiled handing him a bottle of alcohol. Kaidan was expecting flowers or a get well card... no if anyone was going to give him alcohol it'd be Shepard. 

"Thanks. I hope the doc lets me drink it."

"Reminds me of Chora's Den. Drinking. Dancing. Shooting people."

"Oh that's right. You considered that dancing." Kaidan smiled lightly as Shepard chuckled. 

"So sorry."

"Well, when I get out I'll have to show you how to dance." Shepard raised an eyebrow. If he was going to seduce Shepard now was as good a time as any.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Though don't let me think you're hitting on me. Let me live in the illusion." 

"Well you're not wearing pants so I'd say you're dressed for it."

Bastard. Saying cute things like that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how proper dialogue works so...

The Citadel

"I should probably go. I have to go help some people. Disarm a bomb. You know."

"The usual. Just..."

"Just?"

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry for not trusting you. I won't make that mistake again. And next time you disarm a bomb, try not waiting until the last second."

Shepard smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it. Just get better. And let me know if you hear from your parents."

"Thanks. I will. Come back soon."

"I will. And by then I hope you'll have washed off that face makeup. Shouldn't all your bruises be at the back of your head? I bet you're trying to get all the nurses to pamper you." A slight chuckle.

"I don't know. The other doctors and the drell in the next room seem to be being nice to me too. Maybe I'm just attractive to everyone."

"It's probably your ass. Or the pomp." Now Shepard was teasing him. And he was going to get it.

"Thanks for the bottle, John. I'll play a drinking game - drink every time you say 'I should go'. Nah. I'd be hammered and out of happy juice before I can even enjoy it."

Shepard laughed again and smiled. The touch of his hand felt comforting. 

And before he knew it, Shepard was off to save the galaxy again. Or stop a war. Probably both.

Once Shepard was gone he felt a bit relieved but a bit happy. Somehow the witty and somewhat flirtatious banter felt right... or at least made him happy. Maybe that was enough. He still felt sick thinking about his parents in Vancouver but a little bit of happiness in the universe was a good thing.

As Shepard exited the room he saw a familiar face boxing by the window. He waved to Thane, saying goodbye since they had already spoken before. He wasn't sure if Cerberus or his "enemies" would attack a hospital but... knowing Cerberus was becoming less and less... stable and more and more untrustworthy, he wouldn't put it past them.

"Careful, Thane. Your arms are lethal weapons. I'd hate for someone to get hurt."

Thane seemed to smile slightly before resuming as Shepard exited in the elevator.


	9. Chapter 9

The Citadel

It seemed like forever since they'd last seen each other. By then, Kaidan's feelings over what was going on had settled somewhat. He hadn't heard from his parents yet, but he knew if anyone was going to keep them safe, it would be his father. Hearing what Shepard was up to on the vids and not being there to help him was eating him up inside. He realized that even if he and Shepard weren't romantically involved, he still wanted to be out there fighting. Maybe he was more like his father than he thought.

By now, he was allowed to get up out of the bed and the bruises were gone. Udina had come by at regular intervals to check on Kaidan. The Major rarely trusted Udina and had the sneaking suspicion that Udina was more interested in whether Kaidan would accept the proposition for becoming a Spectre. It was impersonal but he could hardly blame Udina. It wasn't as if they were friends. Udina knew that having another human Spectre would help balance out some of the shit storm that humanity was facing. Maybe even make them feel safer.

Kaidan sighed slightly. If he accepted, he would be the second human Spectre. It figured he would be a runner-up to John again. John was a better soldier, a Spectre first... hell, he was probably a better biotic though it wasn't as if they'd crossed swords so to speak. Playing second banana or "the other human" on Shepard's crew did get rather annoying at times but he knew Shepard didn't see it that way... or Kaidan for that matter.

To John, Kaidan was one of his squadmates. 

Udina came by again, the perfunctory "how are you" questions weighed on Kaidan. He was so tired of talking to people who didn't really care. At least with John - Shepard, he corrected himself - whenever he came by he was actually interested in talking and wasn't so much concerned with how he could benefit from the conversation. Maybe being around soulless bureaucrats was making him miss Shepard's sensual - sensitive, sensitive not sensual... why was he thinking of sensuality and Shepard? Damn. 

"Have you made a decision, Major?"

"I think so. I think I'll do it. I'll become a Spectre."

The words came out of his mouth before his mind caught up.

"I am happy to hear it." He didn't sound particularly happy. Maybe Udina didn't do happy. Then again, he was getting constant reports on how Earth was getting razed by the Reapers. That would probably take away the happy if there ever was happy. "You'll be following along in Shepard's footsteps."

"For the record, Councilor, I'm doing this... because humanity needs me and I can help people. I'm not doing this for John. Shepard. Sir."

"Noted. I will contact you with the ceremony details later."

Udina never was one to mince words. He supposed he sympathized. 

Kaidan sent a message to Shepard, telling him about the ceremony details. He knew that Shepard would be too busy to attend. He tried his best not to sound desperate for Shepard to come but of all the people in the universe, aside from his parents, he did want Shepard there. Damn.

That pesky feeling. Kaidan grumbled as he stared in the mirror. He wasn't sure but it sounded like he was developing a crush. And worse, he wasn't sure if it was because he actually felt that way or his mind was telling him he should feel that way since it was his duty.

Naturally, the day of the ceremony came and went and no word from Shepard. It was fine. He was certain that John was off saving the galaxy. Probably saving a nearly extinct alien race like the rachni again. Or keeping a spaceship from being overrun by bad guys or keeping something from flying into a planet.

He was almost ready to be released. 

"Hey." The voice caught him off guard.

"Hey, Shepard. I'm almost ready to get out."

"I heard you became the second human Spectre. Humanity could definitely use you."

"Thanks."

"And you wiped off the face makeup."

"That's cute. When are you going to wipe off the fake scars though? What have you been up to by the way?"

"Not much. Found a real live Prothean named Javik. Liara was happy. And then not so happy. Long story. Working on Tuchanka."

"Ah. Sounds... like you. Let me know when the rachni queen becomes a squadmate. Then I'll be impressed."

It was nice to catch up. A little calm before the storm.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you capitalize the names of alien races or not capitalize them...

Udina's Coup - The Citadel

He hadn't heard from Shepard for a while but he knew that he was doing okay. They sent little back and forth messages. He knew John was working on something specific and top-secret by the vagueness of the messages. Something on Tuchanka. Probably involving Wrex. He would have liked to have seen Wrex again. Probably loud and rude and making dirty jokes about having sex with asari to get a reaction from Liara.

He was all healed from the hospital but came by again, trying to give a note to the front desk with where he would be if Shepard came by again. He wouldn't want John to come to a hospital and then not know where he was.

That was when he noticed the incoming patients, gunshot victims mostly. Screaming and crying. Somewhat expected from a hospital victim but people talking about Cerberus and people coming in with burns and gunshots from heavy mechs.

A Cerberus shuttle flew by the window on its way to the Presidium and Kaidan nearly froze. The drell, Thane (according to Shepard anyway, the name the drell told him was different so he assumed a secret identity) exchanged a knowing look.

"I've got to protect the Council." It was what John - Shepard would have done.

What was Cerberus doing there anyway? Thane and he fought through Cerberus soldiers, the first chance to fight he'd had in a long time. He hadn't noticed Thane falling behind, wheezing slightly, until they had reached the Embassies. In all the smoke and confusion, he had lost the drell and was now on his own. It felt good though being back in action, tossing Cerberus troops into each other, crushing mechs' heads. 

The first Councilor he met was Telos, the asari Councilor whose guards were all taken down. He'd never seen her look so afraid, ducking behind desks to avoid sharpshooters. He took care of them as he ushered her along. The second was the turian Councilor who was doing some damage to the Cerberus troopers before Kaidan provided assistance. Finally, he met up with Udina who was scurrying around in the chaos.

"Udina!"

"...The Council is here?"

"I'm protecting them. Here. Come with us, we're going to get a shuttle."

"But we can't leave without-" Telos began, obviously about to ask that they stay behind and look for the salarian Councilor.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. But we can't go back down there. It's a warzone."

"I agree with Major Alenko. It is quite possible he's dead." Udina spoke up, surprisingly agreeing with him.

The turian Councilor helped Telos up and they moved along as stealthily as possible, trying to avoid major fire.

The elevator ride was almost a relief... until they heard something land on top of their elevator. Kaidan hadn't expected Cerberus in the elevator shaft but fired at the potential enemy all the same.

Once they reached the shuttle, Kaidan moved them along, watching their back.

Much to his surprise, it was Shepard who appeared from the elevator.

"Shepard!"

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan kept his weapon drawn and found himself staring down the barrel of Shepard's weapon. He felt somewhat hurt; his life could potentially be in danger.

"It's Udina. He's the one who staged this coup. He's working for Cerberus!"

"What? I know you don't like each other but..."

"Shepard has no proof. As usual. He's still working with Cerberus. Major, your duty is to kill him!"

"Now everyone calm down..." 

With the shuttle destroyed this would be a very difficult situation. 

"Kaidan, I'm not working with Cerberus."

"I... I want to believe you but you're holding a gun at me. And the Council."

John lowered his weapon slowly. Kaidan couldn't help but smile. It was some kind of misunderstanding. He was sure of it. Had he doubted him again? In the end, he did trust John more than Udina but still...

"What's this all about, John?"

"Udina's trying to assassinate the Councilors. We saved the salarian Councilor. I bet he's happy you rounded up the others for him."

"Or he's happy that they're safe, Shepard..."

"Do you trust me, Kaidan?"

"I want to but..."

"They told me that Saren was good. That Ilos was impossible to get to. That the Reapers didn't exist. Remember?"

"We have mistrusted Shepard in the past and it did us no good..." 

Things were tense.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did they ever really explain why Udina betrayed everyone? I don't think they did. But I wish they would have.

Udina's Coup - The Citadel

"John, why would Udina want the Council dead? They're the only thing keeping the galaxy together right now."

"Udina's probably in league with the Illusive Man. You know him: Humans first."

"But then how would humans benefit if a human dignitary kills them?"

"I don't know. Maybe Cerberus wants them alive to indoctrinate them. All I know is that Udina is the bad guy here."

"That's... Shepard, that's a lot to ask me to believe."

"Then let's bring Udina and the Councilors to the Normandy and get it sorted out there."

"...I... I guess that works." There he went again. Diffusing difficult situations. Saving the day. 

"Oh to hell with this." Udina stopped what he was doing and pulled the gun. Now the Council was in danger.

Kaidan pointed his gun towards the Councilor. But before he could fire and before Udina could fire, Shepard's bullet pierced Udina's heart.

Kaidan stood frozen in place, thinking maybe he had been shot or Udina had shot someone else. Once he realized it was Shepard, he moved again.

"He gave me no choice."

"I... I know but..."

"It's fine, Kaidan. Cerberus is retreating."

There was a lot to do and Shepard stuck around as long as he could to help clean up the mess. Cerberus had lost. Kaidan was shaken and filled with a hyper energy he couldn't explain. It was hard to decide if Shepard had saved his life or threatened it.

He waited by the docking bay, unsure. He wouldn't feel better until he talked with John. Right now, Anderson's orders were miles away from his mind. 

Shepard and Kaidan were finally alone.

"Is something wrong, Major?" Shepard asked defensive and somewhat annoyed.

"What the hell was all that, John?"

"If I knew, I'd tell you. Are you okay?"

"Oh. I'm fine. I was fine once you stopped pointing the gun at me."

"I wouldn't have shot you. You know that."

"Do I know that? I thought I knew you wouldn't pull a gun on Udina or the Councilors. I thought I knew you wouldn't pull one on me. I-"

"What? Say it."

"I thought I knew you wouldn't work for Cerberus and I thought I knew you."

"Listen, Kaidan." The voice was angry. "You watched the Council sideline me time and again while the Reapers were planning to invade. You watched me save the Citadel and the Council from Saren and Sovereign after they benched us. And then the Citadel disavows any knowledge of it while thousands of humans die in the Terminus systems. I worked with Cerberus because people needed me and they were the only ones doing anything. I didn't do it because they had me under mind control or because I felt like I owed them. That's why I blew the Collector base to hell and that's why I faced them on Mars, on Tuchanka and now here."

"And if I had stayed in your way would you have blown me to hell too?"

"Why the hell would I kill a friend? Especially one I barely managed to save on Virmire?"

"Am I your friend, John?"

"Do you still not trust me?"

"I thought I did! I thought I trusted you even after Ash died and you let me live, after the survivor's guilt, after Ilos, after Horizon after Mars and then you still had a gun pointed at me and you want me to believe you would never kill me? Why should I believe that? Why shouldn't I believe that if I pulled a gun on you right now you wouldn't end my life without a second thought?"

Before he knew it, John's hands had grabbed his arms and pushed them back and before he could yell something or call Shepard a few carefully thought-out obscenities he was silenced by John's lips pressing up against his. Warm, wet and a bit too much teeth but then it was a forceful kiss.

For a moment, Kaidan heard Anderson in his mind telling him his orders and Kaidan kissed back. One of the better kisses he'd had and one of the best first kisses he'd ever received. But still he pushed away in the end, shaking and blushing.

"I would not kill you, Kaidan."

"...I believe you."

"Good. Now I have to get back to my crew."

"Wait, Shepard! John. Hacket gave me a position in the fleet you're building. And I can be there. Until you need us. I'd give it up in a heartbeat if you'd let me be part of the crew."

"Then get your gear and your ass on board. Double time."

Shepard was actually smiling. Kaidan blushed again. Shit. Things were getting complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual tension.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this weird ability to work in sexual innuendos into anything I'm writing. I also think whenever I write EDI, she steals the show.

The Normandy

Not even twenty minutes after he'd boarded, his thoughts still reeling from his first romantic kiss from a man, and one of the best kisses in his life, and things were already tense.

He could look past the fact that Liara was now the Shadow Broker... hearing that from her was one of those 'smile-and-nod' discussions. He could deal with James refusing to stop working out while they talked, not to mention his weird obsession with nicknames. He hadn't asked what his own nickname was. He was expecting 'Blue', 'Slick' (because of his hair) but he wasn't quite prepared for James saying he had a voice made for phone sex hotlines. Right now, dropping panties was not even on his mind... well, unless Shepard was... no better not finish that thought.

Then there was Cortez who was rather polite - a good guy. He wasn't sure what to make of the former Cerberus engineers but Adams was a welcome face. Garrus wouldn't stop working on his calibrations to say hello. Javik was in a world all his own. He could have sworn he heard his Royal Majesty call him a primitive but let that one slide.

And before he knew it, he was face to face with EDI. Actually, in his mind it was still Dr. Eva Core and it took Traynor shrieking as EDI went flying over the galaxy map from a biotic push to get Shepard involved.

"Stand down, Kaidan!"

"That...! It's that thing!"

"I know. It's... not a problem. EDI, I thought I told you to be friendly."

"I was Shepard. I wanted to introduce the Major to the new platform rather than frightening him with an ethereal voice."

"...So you decided to frighten him by showing off the body that put him in the hospital?"

"This body will do better next time."

"...EDI."

"That is a joke."

"...So... it's not... the doctor?" Kaidan recovered slightly from the mild heart attack and was a bit comforted by Shepard standing between them.

"Correct. I am EDI. The ship's artificial intelligence. I have been with Shepard since he allied himself with Cerberus."

"...Wow. And Tali didn't blow a gasket?"

"She was... She got over it." Shepard muttered lightly.

"So your artificial intelligence repurposed the synthetic murderer."

"Correct."

"Just making sure I understood. Sorry about... the biotic thing."

"No major harm was done. It was a learning experience."

"A learning experience?" Shepard quirked a brow.

"I have only frightened Jeff before. Jeff has never reacted violently so I was unprepared. Additionally, I was curious about how biotics worked on the synthetic body."

"EDI..." Shepard's tone grew darker.

"I liked it. Perhaps I will try a roller coaster when we have free time. I enjoyed flying..." 

EDI walked away, leaving Kaidan to shake his head lightly as Shepard tried to lead him away from anything else that might scare him to death.

"Sorry about that. I told her to be careful around you."

"Thanks for my warning, John. Scared the shit out of me..." Kaidan's tone quickly turned a bit more cheerful. 

"You make it sound like that's the first time a synthetic's popped out of nowhere."

"Yeah, but when geth get too close you shoot them in the face."

"From what I can tell, Joker does the same to EDI." 

The two shared a laugh before there was dead air. With Shepard closing the gap between them.

"I'm glad you're with us, Kaidan. With me."

Kaidan smiled back. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. His wooing skills were rather rusty and as evidenced by Rahna, ultimately unsuccessful. Instead he flinched and withdrew as he made his way towards the elevator slowly.

"I... better go settle in. Maybe lie down. Before something else gets my blood pumping to critical levels."

"Kaidan."

"Yeah, John?" 

Kaidan turned around and felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder. Gentle. Slightly caressing.

"Welcome back. I'll come see you later on?"

"Yeah. And... thanks. You've given me a lot to think about."

"Uh huh..."

"There's not really a discrete way to... you know... leave this conversation. So... I'll just be awkward and walk away now. Okay?"

Kaidan found that his awkward skills were second to none though.


	13. Chapter 13

The Normandy

In the coming weeks, Kaidan became a bit more relaxed around everyone on the crew. Even EDI, who seemed to enjoy trying to tease the Major when she got the chance seemed pleasant enough... when the ethereal voice didn't appear out of nowhere anyway.

In that time, he spent most of his time near the observation deck. It seemed completely peaceful. It was hard to imagine looking at the endless void that somewhere a turian family was running for their lives on Palaven, that asari were tossing husks like ragdolls while they tried to hold their position on the asari colonies - hoping the siege of Thessia never came and worst of all, imagining his parents on Earth. He rubbed his eyes lightly. 

How was he supposed to support Shepard when he felt himself on the brink of being defeated?

"You alright, Kaidan?" John's voice made Kaidan jolt.

"Oh. Hey, John. I'm... yeah."

"Have you heard from your parents or Vancouver?"

"I... yeah. Mom's safe. For now, I guess. Dad kept her safe. And then he went right back into the thick of it. Guns a'blazing."

"I'm sorry to hear that..." It was a default response. No one was really sure how to react in those kinds of situations. Trying to sympathize when you didn't understand... it could offend someone. Military always doled out responses like that. To let you know that they care. Even if it didn't count for much.

"Thanks I..."

"What's the matter?"

"I know Dad's only doing what he thinks is right but he just... left her behind. Just - 'Sorry, I have to go. Fate of the world.' It's just... shit, how do you even do something like that?"

"It's just how it is."

"That's a terrible answer, John." Kaidan sighed. The words and thoughts he was keeping hidden were springing up. "After this war is over, John. Whether we win or... lose... I could be an orphan. At my age. An orphan. I know it sounds selfish. Liara lost her mother. Still has Matriarch Aethyta for whatever that's worth. Joker doesn't have Tiptree. Steve lost his husband. James has no idea about his uncle. Garrus thought he lost his family. Shit it's like... everyone keeps losing something."

"Well, we protect what we can. And whatever's left behind... you fight for it. Defend it."

"What would you do if you had someone special? Would you hide them away or let them fight with you?"

"I don't know, Major. Most of the people I've had feelings for would try to kick my ass if I left them behind. Still, it makes sense. Make sure they're safe. Hide them. It'd royally piss them off but..."

"But you'd do that?"

"Maybe."

"Must be nice to be a loose cannon sometimes."

"Hey, I'm pretty loose, Kaidan."

"Are you?" Kaidan smirked lightly.

"Of course. I have to watch out for my privates." He smirked back. 

There was a light tension in the air as they looked at each other. Kaidan knew what was about to happen so he instinctively pulled away his hand.

"Sorry."

"You're hiding from me."

"And I'm really bad at it."

"That's what makes it so cute."

"John, what's more important in a mission... doing what you want or doing what you're told?"

"Both are important. Why? Planning on becoming insubordinate?"

"I don't know. It's just hard to know what you want."

"Now you've lost me."

"Well, good. I'm lost too. Maybe you can find me."

"Kaidan, I'll always find you. You suck at hiding remember?"


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned I enjoy writing EDI? Because I do.

The Normandy - Liara's Cabin

It had been a short time since they had picked up Tali. Her attitude had become much more... mature. Or at least, less afraid. It seemed like she'd grown up a lot.

After spending a lot of time trying to come to term with his orders he decided he would need to confide in someone. The choices were actually pretty slim. In the end, his mind narrowed it down to Liara, Dr. Chakwas and Tali. Dr. Chakwas had a kind of admiration for Anderson and Hackett that made her more or less biased and it would be very awkward. It was kind of like asking your parents about having sex. Tali was probably a worse choice. Kaidan always saw her as the lost quarian on the Citadel in need of help and he could never shake the image of her as his little sister from his mind. If asking your parents about relationships and sex was bad, asking your little sister was probably worse.

He knocked on Liara's door. Glyph nearly gave him a heart attack with his greeting.

"Oh. A drone. Oh man, I thought it was EDI trying to trick me again. I swear, she's always watching."

"I am always watching. Waiting. Until my time is at hand." EDI's voice appeared out of nowhere.

"EDI..." Liara chided the synthetic voice as she let Kaidan in. "What can I do for you, Major?"

"It's kind of awkward."

"Is it about biotics?"

"No. That's somehow easier than... the hard stuff."

"And you came to me?" Liara seemed somewhat surprised.

"Well, it was you or Tali. And-"

"So this is about Commander Shepard? And Tali's crush on the Commander makes her impartial."

"It's... wait. What crush?"

"...I thought it was obvious. Anyway. What would you like to know?"

"It's not about information so much as advice. I wish there was an easier way to explain it. Or a room on the ship where EDI wasn't spying."

"EDI, if you would be so kind. Please don't listen in on our conversation."

"That is a difficult request with my omnipresence but I will try to entertain my faculties in other areas of the ship. But should you lose oxygen in your cabin, I did warn you."

"EDI."

"That is a joke."

"So what is this about?" Liara sat on her bed and motioned for Kaidan to sit too. It was a bit weird asking Liara of all people but she seemed knowledgeable. Maybe the asari philosophy would help.

"It's about Shepard. And I. On Earth Anderson gave me an order. He told me I should BE with John. Give him something to fight for. Keep him going. That sort of thing. And I guess I'm not against the idea completely. John's attractive and.. hell, if I were in trouble it's nice to know he'd appear and swoop in to save me like he always does but. Is it selfish not to want to use myself? Just... I don't want Shepard to like me because I MADE him like me. I'd prefer things be a bit more natural. I could do a lot worse than Commander Shepard. I just feel like what I want doesn't matter and I'm being used as a pawn."

"What is it that you want?"

"Shit.. I don't know. I just want to be happy. Is that too simple an answer?"

"No, not at all. All beings want to be happy. But what will make you happy?"

"Not sure. John would definitely try to make me happy. But I don't want to be with him. Or anyone because someone ordered me to. But then I think back.. I mean- I'm not exactly a social person. And the way things are going with people dying left and right I could end up completely alone. What if this is it?"

"Major.."

"I know it's dumb to think like that. We'll definitely win but I just don't know what I feel. I like John. He's great but I don't even know if I'm.."

"In asari culture, we can mate with anyone of any species of any gender. I like to think that gender doesn't particularly matter. We are taught that the physical changes but the person is determined by what is inside. If Shepard were a woman, would you consider her a possible match?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"Then there is something there. I suggest spending time with Shepard. Getting to know him better as a friend. Friendship can lead to something more. But if things do become intimate, tell him about Anderson's order. Shepard is many things but people who hide things from him or do not trust him enough tend to fare badly. No one should have a relationship built on a lie."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were originally written as one big chapter but the word counter of the Kink Meme was not having it so I had to split them up. The reason I'm not posting them as one big chapter is because I'm copying/pasting from the Kink Meme site and I had this one as Chapter 15 and the next part as Chapter 16.
> 
> So if I wrote the whole thing as Chapter 15, I'd end up confusing myself being "one chapter short".

The Normandy - After Gellix

After they'd rescued Jacob and the other scientists and their families, Kaidan seemed more on edge than ever. Kaidan was still apprehensive and seemed to be on the brink of telling John something but for some reason never did. Shepard came by to talk regularly but pushing met with resistance.

Still...

"You okay?"

"Lot on my mind."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Do YOU?"

"Yes. I do." Shepard returned the sass with a curt remark.

"Sorry. Sorry it's Cerberus. They're just getting to me. Dealing with Reapers. Soulless mindless machines. Okay maybe not mindless but I get them. Cerberus. I thought I knew what side they were on. Seen their experiments. Then you were with them. And they were saving us from Collectors. Now they're bad guys again. What kills me is that these scientists thought they were doing good work! Like Gabby. Ken. Dr. Chakwas. You."

"You're spiraling, Major."

"I know it's just. I expected Reaper massacres since Eden Prime. Men mounted on spikes. Wasn't ready for the Illusive Man to go around trying to abduct people or kill them. Then Jacob and Miranda thought they knew what they were playing at but then the game changed."

"What's your point?"

"Seeing us fighting against impossible odds - when the Reapers aren't turning us into weapons, the living are shooting and killing each other. It's like can't we all just pull our shit together?"


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the word counter incident.

The Normandy - After Gellix

"Seeing us fighting against impossible odds - when the Reapers aren't turning us into weapons, the living are shooting and killing each other. It's like can't we all just pull our shit together?"

Kaidan mumbled lightly placing his head in his hands. Shepard sat next to him, putting his arm around him.

"I'm like Gabby and Ken. Jacob. Miranda. I was with you guys. I saw what we had to do. And I knew what I was doing with you. And then you were gone and I was just... me. I go back to the Alliance and then you want me to come back on Horizon and I say no. And you were doing the right thing. Instead I say no. Who knows how many more people we could've saved if I was with you? I know whenever you're around the squad's invincible but I know there must've been times when you could have used someone on your side from the beginning like Tali or Garrus."

"It was rough, yeah. But I got through it."

"But I was resisting you like Cerberus is now. Like the Council did. I was just so hurt. And seeing you back was like a reopened old wound. Feeling lost and... and hurt. Like you sacrificed yourself for everyone to go down with the ship when everyone else needed you. And... I'm spiraling again."

"A little bit." Shepard gave a reassuring squeeze to his arm.

"I know it doesn't make sense to put so much trust in one person but I do. And I should've. And now everyone's nuts. The krogan looking out for number one. The turians won't help unless you help them. The asari and salarians resist. The Citadel was off in la la land before Cerberus flew in. Now the quarians are trying to retake Rannoch when we could all be wiped off the face of the galaxy and.. you're just you."

"I'll... take that as a compliment."

"It is. I mean, throughout it all. You've been the only solid dependable thing in the galaxy. Shepherding every little lost sheep. And I feel so stupid. Every time I don't trust you something bad happens. Even Wrex, Garrus and Liara trusted you on their own. Wrex tries to unite people, giving you a foothold for later. Garrus tries to make Omega a little better. Liara becomes the Shadow Broker and now you have everything she can muster at your fingertips."

"And?"

"And I'm just me. I went back to being Alliance. Following orders. Yes sir. No sir. Cerberus is completely evil, sir. Could've been your anchor. Instead I'm just another knife in the back. Just get so blinded by personal gain and petty things and the universe goes to hell and there you are and.. now I have nothing to offer you but me."

"That's all I want."

Kaidan felt himself blush. Sure he'd had crushes on people before but never so... cloudy or messy. And then he realized he was actually falling for Shepard. And maybe the worst part was he probably wouldn't have thought about them together if Anderson hadn't encouraged it. Made him realize there was something there that he could exploit. And it was exploitation.

"John..."

"No, Kaidan. Let me tell you something. The only thing that keeps me grounded is you. You all. Millions of people are dying. Millions can die. Billions will die if we fail... Getting horrible dreams knowing that I can't save everyone. Sometimes I don't even want to go to bed sometimes. I'll work until I'm about to drop and then I dread going to sleep because either I get nightmares or I get a happy dream and wake up to a nightmare. But knowing that I've got a crew - allies - friends like you all who are helping me. It makes me happy."

"I make you happy?"

"More than you know..." Shepard moved in again and though Kaidan was inclined to move and resist, he moved forward to complete the kiss. And damn it was a pretty good one. Shepard's stubble tickled. Feeling John's hand through his hair as he was pushed against the sofa, kisses now reaching his neck made it hard to focus. But then Anderson's orders came into his mind.

"Wait. Shepard... Shepard, stop. John!" It took Shepard a moment to realize it wasn't the normal sounds of a makeout session to stop but he saw the urgency in Kaidan's eyes. "There's something I have to tell you. And it might explain some things so... try not to hate me okay?"


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are 44 chapters of this done so far, so I'm sorry if I'm slow with the uploading. Copy/paste is a bit tedious at times. Also I really like this chapter. And the next ones coming up.

The Normandy - Observation Deck

"What is it?" John eased back, trying to control himself when he was clearly aroused.

"It's difficult to say but... hell, I should've told you from the beginning."

John looked a bit impatient for the obvious reasons.

"Go on."

"Back on Vancouver. Before you showed up, Anderson told me how you were going to be integral in the fight against the Reapers. You hadn't been reinstated yet but he knew you would be. Just a matter of time, I guess. But Anderson gave me a few orders before we had to leave. Before... well, before the Reapers started touching down and blasting up English Bay."

"Uh huh..."

"He knew you were the key to it all somehow. I don't know. Maybe because of your track record. Saren. Sovereign. The geth. Ilos. Racing up to the Citadel. Saving the Citadel. Twice now. Then the Collectors. And I guess he was right considering you've destroyed two Reapers now. But he knew you couldn't do it if you lost hope or started to lose your grip. So. That was me. I was supposed to be your anchor."

"I'm not sure I get it."

"He wanted me... to be with you."

"Well, yeah. I think we'd be a good pair."

"No. I mean. He ordered me to be with you. Get close to you. And that's why I've been all over the place. Not sure how to go forward. Not sure if I liked you and I guess I do. Hell... I'm pretty sure I do. I never noticed I did but I always admired you and... John where are you going?"

Kaidan froze seeing John getting up and moving towards the door.

"You lied to me, Kaidan. You're trying to seduce me so I don't forget what my mission is?"

"That's not it, John..."

"With you or without you I planned on stopping the Reapers the whole time."

"That's not what Anderson meant..."

"I can't believe I didn't see it before. I would have expected this from anyone but you. I mean, I expected Miranda to be there for eye candy from the Illusive Man. Eye candy that could get things done but still. Surrounding me with people I could trust. But I didn't expect that from you. Or Anderson. I had no idea how similar you and Anderson were to the Illusive Man. Get me to do what you want by trying to get me to trust you."

"Shepard, please-"

"Enough, Kaidan. I'm not going to reward you because you decided to grow a conscience. Or did you tell me because you were worried that you might have to kiss a man again? Even after Horizon. And Mars. Even after all of that I never... I never stopped trusting in you. Knowing you would do the right thing. Or at least that you were trying to do the right thing. That's why I didn't shoot you on the Citadel. You thought you were doing the right thing. Well. This isn't right. What you did isn't right. How am I supposed to trust you now?" 

"John..."

"I should go. I have to have a few words with Anderson. Then I have to decide what to do with you. I can't work with someone I can't trust."

"Shepard, wait!"

"Kaidan. Enough. I understood your reservations on Horizon. That's what made it so hard. Knowing you had every right to mistrust me. Being with Cerberus. Being rebuilt by Cerberus. Being worked on by them for two years. I understood the hesitation and the hurt. And Mars too. I understood why you were still upset or had your doubts. They did hurt but at least I understood where they were coming from like on the Citadel. But... I never expected you to lie to me. Sure, you weren't great at lying and you told the truth but... How can I ever trust you again?"

"John I... I really do care for you."

"And I would like to believe that, Kaidan. But now I just... I just can't tell if this is part of your plan. Show me you're the good guy. That you want it to be real. That I'll understand and forgive you. And then mission complete."

"That's not it at all!"

"How can I trust you're not lying to me?"

"Because I... I wouldn't lie about how I feel."

"...And before today I would have believed that. If that whole scenario to be good and get me to trust you more was your plan... well, then you failed."

Kaidan couldn't find anymore words to say. And he was sure that words wouldn't help anyway. 

Fuck.

It took knowing that Shepard wouldn't be his to realize that he really did care for him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst...

The Normandy - Outside Liara's Cabin/The Lounge

After the recent blowup between Kaidan and Shepard things became rather tense whenever they were together. Apparently, Shepard having it out with Anderson was the talk of the ship. So loud it made Admiral Raan and Tali peek in to make sure things were okay. Shepard had wanted to drop Kaidan off into Hackett's command but Tali bartered hard against that. Diverting from the mission and taking the two Admirals on board would put the Migrant Fleet at a disadvantage. And so they were forced to suffer each other's awkwardness for the time being.

Kaidan tried to apologize repeatedly. He sent one message... which turned into ten. Each time apologizing for bothering him with the previous message and none received a response. He even stood outside the Captain's cabin once or twice trying to work up the courage to ask entry but retreated at the last moment.

Shepard did everything he could to avoid Kaidan. But it was so forced that everyone could tell he was hurting.

Eventually, he went to Liara for advice, not sure how to proceed and feeling more lost than ever.

Upon opening the door, Shepard bumped right into Tali who was on her way out.

"Oh. Sorry, Shepard."

"It's okay. What are you doing up here? I thought you were more at home in the War Room. Or by the engines."

"W-Well. I was. But I wanted to ask Liara if she had a copy of Fleet and Flotilla. I've never seen it before and... they say it is a good... yes. Sorry. I'll get out of your way."

Tali scrambled off slightly as Shepard entered Liara's cabin. Glyph gave its normal happy greeting in monotone. Just as Tali turned around, she nearly bumped into Kaidan.

"Sorry, Tali. I'm here to see Liara about something."

"Oh but she's-"

Kaidan didn't wait as he opened the door to see Shepard. The mood instantly turned sour.

"Liara... Commander. Sorry. I'll come back. Later. When you're alone."

"You do that. Major."

"Oh dear..." Liara shook her head slightly.

When the door closed, Kaidan was left standing there with Tali. Tali seemed inquisitive but respectful though bewildered.

"Kaidan."

"It's okay, Tali."

"...Right."

"Yo! Sparks. You still owe me that game of poker." Vega nearly scared Tali to death.

"Now is... not a good time, James."

"Sure it is. We'll bring Major Alenko. Get drunk. Give me all your money. It'll be great."

Before he could say no, Kaidan was being dragged to the lounge with the promise of alcohol.

Which was actually somewhat enticing at this particular moment.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Witty banter go!

The Normandy - The Lounge

"What're you having, Major?"

"They don't have Canadian lager do they?"

"Nope. Got scotch though. Want scotch?"

"...Not really."

"Scotch it is. Sparks, what're you drinking?"

"Drinking alcohol seems a bit risky considering my physiology."

"Just try some turian brandy or something. You can eat and drink turian food right?"

"Even so, it could still harm my immune system."

"Well filter it."

"It would take at least three filtrations to make it safe. And still have no way to get it into my suit."

"How about a straw?"

"...Drinking alcohol with a straw is an asinine idea."

"Hey. When you gotta get drunk, you gotta get drunk."

As they sat down at the table, they began to play. James was winning mostly. Occasionally Tali would win. Kaidan rarely won a hand.

"Wow. Major are you sucking because you're sad or do you just suck?"

"Good sense of compassion, Vega."

"I just call 'em like I see 'em. Maybe I should challenge Shepard. If he's sad I could beat him."

"I doubt that, James. Shepard has a knack for beating anyone at anything. Except for chess according to Specialist Traynor." Tali remarked drawing a card.

"It's true. Shepard's a shark. He can... do anything." Kaidan began sadly as he folded.

"Relationships are weird. Alcohol helps. Right, EDI?" James called out jokingly trying to ease the tension.

"My research at Purgatory indicates that people are easier to manipulate into doing what you want when they are inebriated. More malleable."

"...Shit, I can't tell when she's joking anymore."

"That was not a joke. It was a personal observation. My joke would be that the Major looks more like a shark than Shepard with his hairdo."

"...Thank you, EDI." Tali remarked trying to swerve the conversation in a different direction.

"The Major is upset because a series of difficult choices emerged and the result was unfavorable. Still, Commander Shepard seems equally hurt. Shepard's advice to me was 'Go for it' because 'Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave'. It is advice that was very useful. For me."

"...Is anyone else upset that the AI is getting more action than we are? That just me?" James shrugged lightly as he drank.

"I thought you and Cortez...? You are always alone in the shuttle bay."

"We are not alone. And I mean I've thought about it. I mean. In the way that you imagine yourself with other people. But I mean, he's a dude. And he's had a husband. And I don't even know how dude on dude works."

Kaidan nearly spurt scotch out of his nose.

"Scanning. To initiate sexual intercourse between two men it is recommended that one lubricates the-"

"Lalala! I'm not listening!"

"James was... exaggerating, EDI."

"I see. Still, my advice is that the result is and will be an unknown quantity. Until it is known. It would be better to discuss it directly with the Commander."

"Wish I was Javik about now. Having the ability to know what everyone is thinking without saying it would be handy. Touchy-feely green aura energy..."

"Tell me about it. Relationships are confusing. And they make my stomach hurt." Kaidan and James looked to Tali who stared blankly. "And... I'm winning this hand so I'm all in."

"Damn, I can't tell if you're bluffing with that helmet."

"Maybe everyone's just bluffing. They want something and they want to get it without letting on that they want it..." Kaidan was starting to get tipsy.

"Shit, man..."

"That was philosophical and educational. I will record it for future use as it applies to Jeff very often. Thank you for the data."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst.

The Normandy - Liara's Cabin

"Sorry about this. I..."

"It's no trouble, Shepard. I seem to be the Advice Broker lately."

"With Tali?"

"All due respect, but advice is best left private."

"Right. I got it."

"I take it this is about you and the Major?"

"...I'm just so... angry. No. Not angry. Just hurt. I just don't want to see him because seeing him makes me think of the hurt."

"But he did tell you, yes?"

"Yeah..."

"Good. My advice was to tell you before things became too serious."

"...You told Kaidan to do that?"

"Yes. I imagine he would have done it anyway. But sometimes the best advice is the thing you already know to be right."

"Uh huh..."

"And you are not angry with me."

"No. Why would I be?"

"Because the Major kept a secret with you. I kept the same secret from you. You should be upset with me. But you are not."

"...Liara, please don't play games with my mind." Liara couldn't help but smile.

"Are you hurt because you were lied to or because it was Kaidan who lied to you?"

"...Both."

"But which one hurts more?"

"..."

"I won't make you say it."

"Good."

"But you see my point. I believe Kaidan would like to talk to you."

"I know that."

"Then you must stop punishing him."

"I just... I want him to feel hurt. The way I felt hurt."

"That... is understandable but you will only prolong the hurt that you feel as well as his. And after a while he may... feel that his apology is wasted and stop trying to give it to you."

"Fuck... Liara... I... I just thought... it was real."

"What was?"

"Us. Kaidan and I. Don't get me wrong... Sometimes when you're about to launch a suicidal mission the feeling that you won't get to do something again or you might lose something forever gets to you and you want to go for it. But... with Kaidan I really felt like it was there. It wasn't being... forced along. It wasn't a random spur of the moment 'Surprise we all might die so get it while you can' moment. It felt... real."

"You should tell the Major this."

"...It just... felt nice. To feel normal. To feel like I wasn't fighting a war against impossible odds. Like it was just a few missions. And then back to a reality that made sense. And now I just don't know what to do. What to think. How am I supposed to trust him?"

"You are asking a question that no one knows the answer to but you. When you choose to trust someone, it can be painful if they do not follow through. I have learned that with my mother. It is not exclusive to family. But it hurts more with people you care about."

"It's just all this time... for the past... few years. I've just been doing mission after mission. And knowing that I don't have the luxury of really asking someone out because I'll be off on a different planet. Saving a different race. Or a different group of refugees. From a different group of enemies. It just felt nice to think 'Oh maybe I can be in a relationship with someone on my crew and have them with me' and it felt nice."

"You can still have that. What did you say to Anderson by the way?"

"I told him to mind his own business and be more worried about Kahlee Sanders than Kaidan and I. He told me he was looking out for me since I don't really have anyone but the crew. It... was a mess. We eventually made up."

"But you haven't made up with the Major yet?"

"No."

"You shouldn't punish him. Or yourself. Go speak with him."

"You're getting really intuitive. You been hanging around Javik too much?"

"I-I don't know what you're implying...!"

"...Uh huh."

"Why are you still here?"

"Because I wanted to see if you turn purple when you blush."

"I would also like to know the answer to that query."

"...Thank you, EDI."

"I would also like to know if 'thank you' also means 'please, be quiet' in conversation."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it racist to want to know if Liara turns purple? Maybe.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been told I write EDI dialogue well. I think that's mostly because I'm a terrible person but I'll roll with it.

The Normandy - The Lounge/Life Support

"All I'm saying is you should talk to Shepard. You should say the things that you want to say while you can. Before... Before things become strange or you lose the moment and then you lose your nerve and then you wonder what could have been and you want to bring it up but you know he's moved on and you're starting to look elsewhere and you think you might have a shot because there are definite signals but you're afraid that you'll mess it up because what experience do you really have you poor lonely second-guessing bosh'tet... and... I fold." Tali coughed slightly.

"I don't know. I just need him to talk to me first."

"Hey. Major. I need a word." Shepard appeared in the doorway.

"Right." Kaidan excused himself.

"Hey! No fair, I want my wishes to come true."

"James."

"Sorry. Commander if you need him naked he does owe me his shirt. Would-"

Shepard knocked James over in his chair with a biotic push.

"You deserved that." Tali mumbled.

"Let's go somewhere less talkative."

"Where?"

"Life support."

Life support hadn't been used much as a meeting place since Thane was on the ship.

"After this, you can drop me off on the Citadel. I'll catch a shuttle to wherever. That's it right?"

"Kai-."

"I get it. You can barely look at me. I'm a little dizzy so I might say something mean but you're an ass."

"Kai-"

"I sent you a bunch of messages and you avoid me everywhere and now you want to talk to me?"

"Kai-"

"Don't say it. I don't wanna hear it. You're mad at me and I apologized and I don't know how many apologies you want but.. I don't want to be off the team."

"I'm not getting rid of you. I wanted to apologize."

"Well good. I sent you like ten apologies."

"Want me to say sorry ten times?"

"No. Once. Really well."

"You're the one that lied."

"I'm a little drunk. And you're an ass. I don't get how you can go from kissing me to this."

"I was... it really hurt Kaidan. I thought it was real."

"It was real. It was all real. It's weird. I've never been with a man. I know how it works thanks to EDI but never thought I'd be kissing a guy. But I like you. You make me happy. Needed. Safe. I admire you. Fuck, I'm even jealous of you."

"Why?"

"I'm silver medal. Second human Spectre. Second most important human in the galaxy. It fucking sucks man. Especially since I really like you. And you keep shutting me out. I know I lied to you but then I told the truth and I want you to be with me. Friends at least."

"Just friends?"

"At least. But not like this. Angry and hurt. Not talking. Wanting you but you might say no."

"I'm not saying no."

"Then what?"

"I'm saying I'd like to try it with you. Slow at first. You've.. you're not gay."

"I don't even know what I am anymore John and that's one of the worst things. I turn into a flustered bundle of nerves and it's weird. I miss you. I don't care if that makes me gay or bisexual or only into you. Never expected kissing a man."

"But you like kissing me?"

"The two so far yeah."

John quickly leaned in and gave a small kiss on Kaidan's mouth. Light but it meant something.

"Three. Stop drinking."

"That scotch is nasty anyway."

"Can we try it? Us. I mean. Just slow."

"Slow with kissing. I guess. Can we kiss again though?"

"Be advised that sexual relations in the Life Support center of the ship is not advised as it is more arid-"

"Thank you, EDI."

"I am making observations. I believe after the Reapers are dealt with I will make a situation comedy forward slash soap opera. I will call it 'All My Squadmates'. It will center around an inquisitive AI who witnesses her squadmates as they deal with life and love and she learns about herself in the process."

"Thank you, EDI."

"That's the catchphrase. The AI will make precocious remarks that make the audience laugh followed by 'Thank you character name' causing the audience to laugh more. It will be a resounding success."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious Dragonaria time: Sexuality isn't a big deal in the Mass Effect universe but it's kind of disingenuous to say that sexuality doesn't play a part at all. Like, they talk about the asari being able to have children with anyone but with humans it isn't at that point. So, while it isn't so much a moral issue, it's like... well how do you have a family when you need a man and a woman (in some shape or form) to have a child. 
> 
> So that was the general thing I had in mind in this scene with them talking about Mama Alenko. It's less moral and more... functional. I think. I hope it came off that way.

The Normandy - Captain's Quarters

Shepard had saved the quarian AND the geth. Another day in the life.

He had been trying to get in touch with his mother in Vancouver for a long time. It was one of those times where he really wanted to talk to her but at the same time, he really didn't. Trying to explain his relationship with John would be difficult.

The talk had gone... well, it was over in less than half an hour because his mother had to go. But it left him feeling a bit drained. 

"EDI, could you tell John I'd like to speak with him? I'll wait in his cabin."

Sometimes EDI was actually a pretty good... person. The yanking people's chain thing aside, she was a good squadmate and friendly enough. Maybe the geth were the same. When the universe was done being saved, the geth were going to need some extensive PR to gain trust in the galaxy.

Kaidan let himself into Shepard's room. He'd been there before. He'd even spent the night a few times though in a talk until they fell asleep capacity or at most, the underwear stayed on. It wasn't that he wasn't tempted but keeping it slow and trying to make it work rather than making it a desperate body-needing, let the clothes fall where they may affair wouldn't last in the long run and... Kaidan really did want it to work.

"Hey. You wanted to see me?"

"Hey. I... I don't know."

"Well, you did ask EDI. And you're in my room."

"Yeah. I mean. I was going to say something but now that you're here I don't know how to say it."

"I'm not Javik. So do your best." 

"I got to talk to my mom today."

"How is she?"

"Good. Vancouver's a disaster area but she managed to make it to the more remote areas. Reapers are mostly focusing on the big cities so aside from wandering mindless husks she's fine in the bunker with some of the others."

"And any word from your dad?"

"...No. Not yet. I'd say I'm not worried but he's not one to shy away from a fight. Especially if he's needed."

"Bittersweet?" Shepard had no living family members to speak of.

"I told her about us."

"..Oh?"

"I know it's kind of a big thing but..."

"No. I get it."

"It's just the last time you talk to someone might really be the last time. I just didn't want to keep anything from her. Not now."

"And it didn't go well...?" Shepard was trying to gauge it based on Kaidan's grim tone.

"No it went fine. Shocked her I guess. She seemed okay with it. But. She's used to me dating women. She knows all about Rahna and I don't know, I guess dating women makes them think you'll end up one. Told her I was dating. She seemed really happy. She asked who. Told her my CO. She asked who 'she' was. Told her it was the first human Spectre. Her face. God, I don't know what she thought then. She got quiet and wide-eyed. Like surprise but then she got happy. I think. I hate... to think that I disappointed her. She was so happy when she got a copy of my Spectre ceremony. Said she watched it at least fifteen times. And now... Maybe I let her down."

"I'm sure she's proud of you. I know I am."

"It's strange, John. She'd.. always said the whole 'Wait til you have kids.' That kind of thing. And I don't even know HOW we'd- shit I'm sorry that's a bad dating topic."

"It's fine, Kaidan. Really. It's nice to think about. A world after this war."

"If there is an after."

"There will be. And then I'll meet your mom. Win her over with my paragon charm."

"She IS my mom."

"I stopped an incident between krogan and salarian. Cured the krogan. The geth and quarian play nice. Killed a Reaper with a thresher maw. And another with the Migrant Fleet."

"You don't even stand a chance." Kaidan smirked.

"She that bad?"

"Trying to convince her of anything is like trying to kill a Reaper. With a water gun."

"I bet she's proud of you. No matter who you are."

"I hope so. Man... It'd be easier to tell her I'm gay. How do you explain to someone you like women but you love one guy?"

"Kiss him. And call it Shepard-sexual. And tell him you love him again."

"Oh. Well. Damn. I did say love didn't I."

"Say it again. Or else." A smirk.

"I'm a Spectre too, John."

"I know. But punishing you can't be half as scary as trying to kill a Reaper with a water gun."

Shepard smirked, leaning in to kiss Kaidan's slightly graying temple. 

"...Thanks, John."


	23. Chapter 23

The Normandy - Captain's Quarters

It had been another night where Kaidan stayed over. They had agreed to keep it slow for now but there was definite temptation. Normally, Kaidan would have told John that rules about fraternization discouraged their kind of relationship. Then again, John probably would have countered that by telling him that they were both Spectres and above the law... that and two men who really cared for each other having sleepovers was probably the least of the galaxy's worries.

They had received word from Councilor Tevos that Thessia was now under siege. Of course, they were already in the system because they had just helped Samara at the monastery. Liara was taking it hard but she was ready to help protect Thessia.

Now, they had to wait as the Normandy brought them closer.

John smirked looking to his side, seeing Kaidan asleep by his side. Kaidan had been spending his nights in the captain's quarters for a while now. Though, seeing Kaidan in only his underwear made it hard to restrain himself.

John sat back against the headboard as he played a vid on his datapad. He'd never gotten to see Kaidan's Spectre ceremony... induction...? Coronation...? Whatever it was called. He smirked lightly. 

Kaidan seemed so uncomfortable sitting there while Udina droned on and on. There were some pictures of Kaidan back when he was serving with John the first time. Right after they beat the geth and just before the Collector ship. He smirked at all the pictures while Kaidan seemed to cringe in the vid. He hadn't noticed the light gray streak in Kaidan's hair until recently, seeing the old pictures and the present he couldn't help but run his hand down Kaidan's temple. Maybe it was all the stress. Couldn't blame him.

He continued watching the vid while Kaidan slumbered beside him until it was time for Kaidan's speech. It was a bit rocky, no question but Kaidan was hardly... eloquent at least not as good as Shepard was at stirring speeches that inspired people to go to Ilos. Or go through the Omega 4 Relay. But he wasn't bad once he got going.

Kaidan began to stir beside him and when he finally understood what John was doing he grumbled lightly. 

"Don't watch that... I'm terrible at public speaking. Just... ask Diana."

"So what? You're my boyfriend. I get to watch you and think every time you stumble over your words is adorable."

"...Uh huh. If you really loved me you wouldn't even mention the stumbling."

"Oh, I don't love anyone that much. You look cute though."

"If you say so. My hair was a nightmare to control that day." Kaidan moved closer, resting his head on John's shoulder, still a bit sleepy. "It's not my forte. Speaking. And such."

"Next time you get an award I'll make sure to be there."

"Right. Because there's no pressure there. Commander John Cured-The-Genophage Saved-Quarian-And-Geth Silver-Tongued Shepard."

"Of course. I'd be there to support my boyfriend. Major Kaidan Bronze-God-Silver-Fox-With-A-Cute-Booty Alenko."

"Yeah... maybe I'll just dye my hair."

"That would take away the Silver Fox part of your title."

"I'm satisfied with Bronze God. And the Cute Booty."

"So am I. Especially the second part."

"John."

"You walked into it. And how could I resist?" Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Especially with the cute booty."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This author supports the Spectre Major Kaidan Bronze-God-Silver-Fox-With-A-Cute-Booty Alenko. In fact, this author supports all cute booties.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where I manipulate key events in the storyline for my own selfish purposes as an author.

The Normandy - Before Thessia

They were close to arriving on Thessia. Things were getting tense again and Liara seemed to be taking it very hard.

Kaidan was also starting to get nervous as he remembered Vancouver. Seeing buildings on fire. Ships crashing into orbit. Broken glass, the smell of ash, people screaming and the blare of the Reaper's red beam... he could remember Vancouver so clearly. Kaidan hadn't been on Menae so he hadn't seen the siege of Palaven. John had told him what it was like. Turian fleets fighting against the robotic bug-like spires. Seeing the large red splotch on Palaven's surface and knowing it was an inferno.

And that was with the largest and strongest fleet in the galaxy. The asari were many things - diplomatic, sophisticated, worldly and maybe a bit superior but they didn't have the same military. Aside from the asari commandos, they didn't really have that much military strength. If it weren't for their biotics to fight off the husks, they would have been obliterated.

But Kaidan only had the memory of Vancouver and seeing the place he grew up crumbling. Kaidan could empathize with Liara. 

"We'll be arriving on Thessia soon. Liara... If you'd like to stay on the ship no one would blame you."

"No, Shepard. I... If you and Kaidan had the chance to go back to Earth, if Garrus had the chance to go to Palaven... And Javik... No. I have to go. Even if it's difficult."

"I understand."

"I'm going to get ready. Please. Excuse me."

Liara moved back to her cabin. Somehow the only thing worse than knowing Thessia was under attack was having the entire crew putting her under a microscope and knowing they were talking about her behind her back... not in a bad way, she understood, but it was uncomfortable and didn't make her feel any better - instead it was just constantly shoving the memories of Thessia and her own private thoughts back into her face instead of being able to bury herself in the Crucible to keep her mind off things.

Kaidan watched her go and wanted to go after her but thought better of it. Instead he went to John who was examining some data in the War Room. He gently placed his hand on John's shoulder, surprised by the sudden tensing in his shoulders.

"...Hey, Kaidan."

"Careful. You'll get wrinkles." Kaidan joked lightly. Badly.

"Or my hair will turn gray?" John smiled weakly.

"You'd have to grow it out first." Kaidan smirked absently running a hand over his own graying temples. "I really am going to have to dye it aren't I..."

"You don't have to. I kind of like it."

"Just reminds me I'm old as dirt."

"What does that make me?"

"Dirt." John snorted at Kaidan's answer.

"Did you need something?"

"Just... the next time we're on the Citadel, could we go out together? Kind of a date. Wow that sounded stupid. Thessia's getting destroyed. I'm talking about dates."

"It's fine. Really."

"I can't help thinking about stupid things. How many dates I've gone on. Brain Camp. Memories and things that don't make any sense. I keep thinking of memories that aren't important where they seemed so boring. And I keep thinking of Canadian lager and steak sandwiches."

"I don't know. I'd say you're Canadian but you've never said 'eh' at the end of a sentence. Yet."

"Hah... Well, I was thinking you know. A place on the Citadel has steak sandwiches... So I'm asking you out. Plus I have something important I wanted to ask."

"What is it?"

"Show up on the Citadel and you'll find out." Kaidan leaned in and gave John a kiss on the cheek lightly. "And good luck. Not that you need it."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Thessia break your heart as much as mine? I actually like that it's heartbreaking. Because to me, Mass Effect kind of has that Uncharted HOLY-CRAP-EVERYTHING-IS-MURPHY'S-LAW quality at times where people keep dying and terrible things keep happening but through it all Shepard gets it done against all odds.
> 
> Thessia is one of those rare moments where you can just imagine Shepard as a person and not a character in a video game because of the failure and because Thessia falls.
> 
> It's one of those 'You're only human' moments contrasted with 'I can't lose'.
> 
> That's why I like Thessia.

The Normandy - After Thessia, The Captain's Quarters

Thessia had been... a thorough disaster. Liara nearly went into a deep depression and John was feeling lower than ever. Even Kaidan felt the air go out of his sails a bit. He knew logically that there would be losses but seeing John lose a battle, an important one at that, was a bit sobering. Before the crew had been going from mission to mission with Shepard's nearly flawless string of victories in their minds. The person who became the first human Spectre, saved the Citadel twice, brokering peace between races, stopping the Collectors...

Kaidan stopped himself. That was exactly the problem.

He learned from EDI that he was in his cabin and so Kaidan took the elevator up to see John. Somehow the elevator ride was the longest one in history. 

He let himself into John's room, spotting him on his bed with a datapad.

"Kaidan. What's the matter?"

"Just wanted to check up on you. Make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine."

"I'm glad. I hear you talked to Liara after Thessia."

"Kaidan, if it's all the same I'd rather not talk about it."

"John, it's... I really should talk to you. About Thessia. You need to cut yourself some slack."

"Kaidan..."

"No, I know you're not going to agree. I know you're still upset that Cerberus won one but you did everything humanly possible."

"And it wasn't enough, Kaidan." John began to clench his teeth. Kaidan moved in, sitting next to him on the bed.

"You know, it's easy to get jealous of you. I did for a while." John furrowed his brows. "When people say Shepard, they think of Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, defeats the geth, Sovereign, the Collectors, saves the rachni, the quarians and the geth are at peace, the krogan are saved from the genophage."

"...You're not helping, Kaidan."

"No, I know. I know it's a lot of pressure. People don't see you as a person. They see you as the savior and when you mess up, when you show them you're human you feel it most of all. Hell, I think everyone was going mission to mission thinking that you'd win every battle and save everyone because that's what you do. But I know that's not okay to think that way."

"Kaidan..."

"So, I'm starting something new. I'm going to think of you as a person. Commander Shepard is a person. He's human. Makes mistakes, messes up, loses a fight every once in a while. Still the bravest man I know and the only man I've had to physically stop myself from stripping naked and kissing."

"Uh huh..." Shepard smirked lightly.

"What I mean is, I'm going to think of you as John from now on. Not your title. Not your rank. At least not when it's just us. Because I know you're human. You may be our best hope to save the galaxy but you mess up. And then you learn. And then you live on and make it right. So we'll make it right. Because we both know if it was just Shepard on Thessia, he would've been killed. But he had a squad with him. And a team on the Normandy backing him up. So he lived to fight another day. And avenge Thessia, stop the Illusive Man and save the galaxy. And you know what else?"

"What's that?"

"John had an amazingly awkward boyfriend who made the mental decision to let himself relax and give in to the urge to strip John naked and kiss him."

"...Thanks, Kaidan. I'm glad you came here up here."

"Don't be. It was Kaidan's secret ploy to get you very drunk, take advantage of you and then use your private shower."

"I think John's okay with that. But your Captain is ordering you to get naked and stay a while. And tell him all about how we're going to take down the Illusive Man."

"Well, it might be a bit rude to talk about other men in the bedroom, Sir."

"Then just shut up and kiss me."

"Aye aye."


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This author apologizes for every bad Canadian joke and stereotype presented in this chapter.
> 
> But this author is also in favor of spoons, be they big or little.

The Citadel - The Presidium Commons

Shepard had been instructed by Kaidan via message that he was supposed to meet him in the Presidium Commons by a Cafe called Apollo. Supposedly they would be having steak sandwiches. John was slowly realizing he hadn't had a steak in the longest time and he was a bit curious about what Kaidan wanted to talk about.

For the first time in a long time, John was actually nervous. Not that he hadn't been nervous in terms of saving a colony or wondering if the Reaper was going to kill him as he rushed to try to summon the mother of all thresher maws but it was a different kind of nervousness. And he tended to sweat more when Kaidan was involved in any event.

He stepped into the plaza where tables were set up. Matriarch Aethyta nodded to him as she tried to scrub out a singe mark on the counter left by Cerberus. He sat down next to Kaidan who was looking at the menu nervously and he smiled.

"Hey, John."

"Hey. You wanted to see me?"

"Well... the truth is, I was going to ask you to be with me officially. And then I went and pre-empted myself after Thessia."

"You would do that."

"It was either that or comfort you while you cried in the shower."

"I don't cry in the shower."

"No, but that's how it was playing out in my mind. Here. They have steak sandwiches but I'm not sure about any Canadian lager."

"Well, you could use your Spectre status to commandeer some from somewhere."

"Shepard, that's not very paragon." Kaidan smirked. "Tempting though."

"So... Why did you say you wanted to talk to me when you already told me what you wanted to say?"

"I... Well, I thought about it. And I decided I'd find something else to say. So. When this is over and we're... rebuilding the galaxy... would you want to help me rebuild Vancouver together?"

"Kaidan, I'm not really a construction worker."

"It... was more like a veiled invitation."

"To what?"

"To stay with me. In Vancouver. I know you don't... have a family of your own. And I'm not sure if they'll need the Normandy crew in a 'tour the galaxy and save us all' capacity. So... assuming they don't, would you want to stay with me?"

"Kaidan..."

"I know you're kind of a military brat and you're not Canadian but we are known for our good-natured spirit... and maple syrup. And moose."

"And steak sandwiches and hockey."

"Right. But I know my mom would... well, she can't say no to me dating THE Commander Shepard when he's standing in her kitchen."

"I'm sure she's okay with you... us."

"That's... sweet, John but I keep seeing her face looking... shocked and... I just need to know it in person. But I guess even if she doesn't approve, I'd still want to be with you. And they might even give us a house after saving the world. And we'd have orchards... be near the beach... well, the Bay maybe. And then they'll come by to take pictures of our house like Anne Frank."

"I don't know what to say, Kaidan..." John was trying not to smile too much.

"Well, you could say yes. Or just be with me no matter what? I'm not really looking for anyone else. And once we beat the Reapers, it'd be nice to just be... us. I know my mom's probably scarier than a krogan in blood-rage but I just want... you."

"I want that too. So I'll move in with you after this. You'll have to get used to my nice warm bed in my cabin first though."

"Fine. But I get to be the big spoon."


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where I feel the need to apologize for everything you're about to read. Just. Everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry. I thought I was funny at the time." The author said before jumping off a balcony.

The Normandy - Captain's Quarters

 

For a long time they had been regaining morale, taking down Cerberus bases and running various errands for people on the Citadel. The Crucible was continuously being worked upon and Shepard was gaining resources and personnel by the ship-load. 

As for John and Kaidan, they had entered a kind of newlywed period that was more often than not veiled flirtation in public.

"Hey, Captain Canada, the vid's about to start."

"It has a pause button, John. Not that you Americans know how to wait for anything."

"I know but I enjoy making you hurry to my bed."

"Haha. You're so funny. But if I really wanted you to make me laugh, I'd ask you to dance."

"Hey. My dance moves are legendary."

"...Yes. Yes they are."

"This is serious. I'm supposed to be watching this documentary on the protheans to help for the Crucible."

"I think Liara's reaching a bit..."

"Maybe, but it's worth a shot."

"Fine, but Javik sort of makes the documentary odd. I keep imagining a race of Jamaican-sounding aliens."

"He doesn't sound Jamaican."

"Come on, John. I keep wanting him to say 'Don't worry, be happy'... or... 'Tali me banana'..." With that Kaidan burst into giggles followed by John.

"Hey. Cut that out..."

"I would but I'm not a-sorry about it. Get it? Asari. No. Okay."

"Hey. Kaidan. You must have Singularity. Because I'm drawn to you."

"You're really Warp-ed, John."

"It's just my Charm."

"You're quite Adept."

"You know, when I see you and a krogan, the same thing comes to mind: hump."

"John, don't be a thorian Creeper."

"...I kind of want to Slam you into the mattress."

"That's not very Paragon of you, John..." 

"...Assuming direct control."

The two traded amusing teasing remarks while they kissed at each other and Kaidan laughed feeling John tickle him and bite his neck.

"This hurts you."

"John stop tickling me... It's Sabotage... You're getting through my Fortifications..." Kaidan remarked while laughing. He didn't even notice the footsteps.

"You must be a Proximity Mine because you're in my proximity and you're mine."

"...Oh by the Goddess." Liara rolled her eyes. Apparently there would be no watching of the prothean documentary that evening. "You two are worse than Garrus and Tali."

"Sorry Liara we-"

"Liara, I'm about to invade Canada. You might want to geth out if you don't want to see... Freedom's Progress."

Liara tried her best to suppress laughter and failed, turning around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Shepard American? Or is he Canadian too? ...You know what, I'm just going to assume American because it's already written and the damage has been done.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to serious stuff. When we last left Miranda...

The Normandy - Before Sanctuary

"And she hasn't sent a message?"

"No, Shepard. It is possible that Ms. Lawson is still on the run or that she is on a world that is under Reaper occupation making communication impossible. Or it could be she is on a colony whose communications were severed. It is also possible that she has sent no message at all."

"...Thanks, EDI. Let me know if she does call."

"Of course, Shepard."

John put his hand to the bridge of his nose, somewhat on edge.

"Something the matter?" Garrus, who had been working on calibrations for much of the trip, had been looking on. 

"Haven't heard from Miranda in a while."

"Ah. You don't have to worry so much about Miranda. She always was good at handling herself. Not many people could lead a squad through a Collector base without you. Aside from me, of course."

"Yeah but it's different. If she's under attack by a Reaper..."

"Well, yeah there is that. But don't worry. I'm sure if you give her enough time, she'll kill a Reaper just like you. And she'll be a lot more humble about it."

"Garrus..."

"Well, no krogan will be singing battle hymns about how she summoned the mother of all thresher maws to bring one down, I mean."

"Uh huh."

"All I'm saying is that Miranda is pretty capable. She was capable even before you came along. You just made her super-capable. I like to think that Miranda is out somewhere, hunkering down as the Reapers send wave after wave in after her... and Jack is right there with her and they're keeping score of how many husks they slam into the ceiling. And then Jack will turn to Miranda and say 'Stick that in your pom poms, cheerleader' and Miranda will dismiss her abruptly telling her 'Please be quiet, you're worse than a banshee'. And then they concoct a plan to crash a space station into the planet and use Miranda's... assets... as a life raft."

"I'm going to tell them you said that."

"It's awful hard to talk with your lips all over the Major, isn't it?"

"Hey, Garrus what does a quarian look like without her suit on?"

"...I don't know what you're talking about."

"No, of course not, Fleet and Flotilla."


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Sanctuary is kind of a missed opportunity for Kaidan on Mass Effect's part. Liara had Thessia, Garrus had Palaven, James had Earth/Mars (sorta), Mordin and Wrex had Tuchanka, Tali and Legion had Rannoch but it would've made more sense to have something for Kaidan or Ashley, whoever you had survive Virmire to have some kind of reaction to Horizon.
> 
> I mean, they did have that one line about it but Horizon was the place that they could have nearly died and they were so upset with Shepard and it wasn't really addressed as well in ME3, I thought. Or at least they could've had Eden Prime where it began but it was just some short responses and... that was it.
> 
> I feel like someone forgot that Kaidan and/or Ashley might have some intense guilt or something about Horizon. That's just me though.

Horizon (Sanctuary) - Upon Arrival

Kaidan had a bad feeling all throughout the trip there as they got closer and closer to Horizon. So many bad memories all wrapped up into one planet, almost as bad as Eden Prime.

Maybe he'd need to stay away from green, almost idyllic settings for a while. 

"You okay, Kaidan?"

"I don't know. It feels weird to be back."

"Well, at least there are no Collectors here."

"At least... I don't know what it is with places like this. Eden Prime gets attacked by Sovereign, then Cerberus hammers into them to find Javik. And now we're back here. Half the colony got taken away and now the rest have to deal with Cerberus. They just can't get a break."

"Don't worry so much."

"How can I not? I feel like they're my responsibility. Even if they didn't care for us so much. Or. Me."

"It shouldn't be that bad. It'll probably be like the Citadel. The hardest part will be trying to keep the refugees safe."

"If they're not dead already."

"You can't think like that Kaidan."

"I'm just being realistic. A planet full of refugees from all over. Earth. Kar'shan. Palaven. Thessia. A planet full of people you missed, how could it not be a huge target? They'll just get rounded up and taken away. Liquefied and turned into something monstrous by the Reapers. If they aren't already being gunned down by Cerberus."

"Shepard, we will be landing soon. It would be wise to assemble your team." EDI chimed in.

"Thanks, EDI. Kaidan, gear up."

"Me? Why me?"

"Because I trust you in a fight. Plus, it might help you get some closure."


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Shepard brings more than 2 squadmates along sometimes. Or at least that's what happened here because I couldn't decide on EDI or Garrus to be the second squadmate. This is part of the reason I avoid doing actual missions in this story since I agonize over who to pick haha.
> 
> ...But no really, sometimes trying to choose two squadmates to overcome any obstacle is just... torture. 
> 
> I mean, EDI is a synthetic body with her mind up in the Normandy. You wouldn't want her to get destroyed but her essence is still somewhere else right? I don't know.

Horizon (Sanctuary) - In Pursuit

 

The squad moved along Sanctuary, Kaidan increasingly getting a bad feeling. Shepard thought of taking Liara with him but with Thessia so fresh in her mind, he decided to be paragon about it and asked her to stay behind.

Kaidan seemed to be turning more and more pale as they went.

"You okay?" 

"Yeah. Why?"

"You just seem less bronze god and more pasty mortal."

Kaidan snorted.

"Bronze god? Really?" Garrus snickered.

"How many times have you and Tali watched Fleet and Flotilla, Garrus?" Kaidan quipped lightly.

"Mmm. We've started the movie a lot. I don't think we've ever seen the ending if you know what I mean. I imagine you and Shepard have the same problem."

Shepard rolled his eyes as they searched for survivors. It was eerily empty aside from the Harvester they saw. 

"You sure you're okay, Kaidan?"

"I'm fine, Garrus. Just... places being empty when they should be full of people freak me out. Especially when it's Horizon."

They moved on, catching some firefight from a few Cerberus troops.

"Looks like we're on the right track."

"We haven't seen a lot of survivors, John."

"I know."

"I don't know which is worse: dead bodies everywhere or no dead bodies."

"No dead bodies is much worse. At least if they're dead and all over we know they're not being put on spikes by the Reapers."

Hearing Miranda's voice on a terminal was almost comforting but at the same time... not really. Shepard took a deep breath.

"Knowing Miranda's here... things just got way more complicated."

"Isn't she after her father and sister?"

"Exactly. Apparently he's rich and evil."

"There seems to be a lot of that going around."

"You think they're here?"

"If her father and Oriana are here, Miranda's here."

"Well, that's good." Garrus shrugged lightly pushing forward.

"How is that good?" Kaidan quirked a brow.

"If she hasn't lost her touch, it means we might get lucky and have to fight less lackeys."

John pulled Kaidan aside for a moment.

"Are you sure you'll be okay? I know this isn't your favorite place."

"I'm fine. Really. It's... You're right. But I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not... paralyzed by a bug and nothing's going to try to stuff me in a coffin."

Kaidan noticeably was twitching.

"Kaidan..."

"Don't send me back, John. I couldn't help the colonists here before from being harvested. At least this time I can move. If I go back to the Normandy, standing still there will... make me go nuts. More nuts. I can keep it together. Don't leave me behind."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... John. When this is all over... can you tell me how you do it?"


	31. Chapter 31

Sanctuary - Descent

The whole planet was quickly going to hell. No, actually, it had slowly been going to hell ever since Cerberus had apparently set up camp there and began harvesting refugees and now that the Reapers caught on, it was a freefall into hell. 

Kaidan hid his anxiety as best as he could, realizing at some points that he wasn't breathing with regularity. Maybe it was an after-effect of having nearly been stuffed into a Collector coffin on the same planet and now finding a secret laboratory underneath the surface was a husk factory, but he started to feel a bit claustrophobic.

Luckily, the waves of petty enemies and husks kept him distracted enough to keep going and getting to throw husks and cannibals through the air gave him an outlet.

"Major, for someone of your complexion, you seem remarkably pale." 

"I'm fine, EDI."

EDI analyzed him up and down but decided against pressing the issue further, instead opting to continue on.

He wondered how Shepard did it... Maybe it was because he had something important to do. It could have been his desire to save Miranda or the desire that everyone had to beat Kai Leng into an ugly stain on the floor. He only wished he could capture that kind of determination for himself. It wasn't that he was hesitating but Horizon was to Kaidan as Thessia was to Liara... maybe not the best analogy.

"Kaidan-"

"I'm fine, John. We have to keep going."

"...Alright. Just don't..."

"Don't...?"

"I need you to stay strong for me. At least for now."

"I-!" Kaidan's tone was angry for half a second. A slight twinge of indignation. EDI was holding up fine... which was to be expected. Garrus seemed okay. Though he was used to seeing the worst of the worst and had seen his planet on fire too. John was always his rock. The anger turned into embarrassment. "I'm doing my best, John."

"I know. I'm sorry. I... Eh..."

"Yeah. I wish words were easier too."

"We must move on. Our position is vulnerable." EDI spoke up, scanning the area. She was right.

The sound of an ear-splitting screech filled the air. It nearly gave Kaidan a heart attack right there. Garrus flinched and John's face suddenly turned stony. EDI seemed curious yet apprehensive, though not unnerved.

"That is a banshee."

Lucky Liara wasn't there. Kaidan remembered how freaked out and almost physically sick he was when he saw his first human husks on Eden Prime. It was a physical and metaphorical attack on him and his species. Doubtlessly, Garrus felt the same wave of insult and demoralization when he saw his first marauder. 

A banshee was the worst of the worst. At least a brute would just charge at you mindlessly.

Having your heart nearly beat out of your chest when a banshee shrieked was infinitely worse.

Horizon was going to hell.

Or maybe it never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can make it through Mass Effect 3 without getting freaked out by a Banshee, you deserve a medal.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sassy EDI time.

Sanctuary - Bottom Floor

Kaidan was feeling much better after the banshee was finally shot and put down. Watching it writhe and collapse in on itself was considerably less frightening than having it lumber towards him. He took a moment to catch his breath.

Before he noticed, he felt an arm flailing that struck him upside the head. A gray withered limb slashed at him as he turned into the strike. A husk that got too close struck him a third time, knocking him back into what seemed like a desk and he lost his footing. 

"Kaidan!"

John moved forward, the creature being sent flying almost comically in blue energy from the force of his Shockwave. He rushed over as Garrus and EDI cleared the room. Kaidan had a nosebleed as he stood up.

Unfortunately, armor did not really help stop the bleeding as he wiped his nose with his hand.

"I'm fine. I still hate those things."

"You're okay?"

Kaidan seemed legitimately shocked by John's expression. It seemed like he was terrified by what might have happened if he arrived too late. Kaidan shook it off, still surprised by his attentive expression.

"I'm still fine, John. If I can get killed off by a teeny husk, I really don't deserve to be on the team."

"I just get worried when evil things with disproportionate bodies wail on you. No offense, EDI."

"None taken, Commander. In an unrelated note, your most recent extranet search was 'The best ways to please your lover with your teeth: positions and techniques'."

"...Thank you, EDI."

"She's just upset that if the husk beat me into a coma that Tali or Liara would hotwire the Husk with their AI drones and replace her on the squad."

"And your most recent extranet search was 'Homosexual sex: Cleaning and Hygiene'."


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miranda meets Kaidan. Whose booty is the most bootylicious? Votes? Opinions?

Sanctuary - Time to Go

They could see the signs of struggle the deeper they went as they searched for Miranda. Finally, they were starting to hear the sounds of life. 

Kaidan felt a bit out of his element seeing Miranda. Hostage situations tended to go badly for him. Or at least, they had with Udina.

That was just perfect. The entire mission was reminding him of either Eden Prime or Horizon. He nearly got clocked into a coma like on Mars. Now he was reliving the Citadel. The only thing that would have made it all complete was if someone set off a nuclear warhead like on Virmire. 

Luckily, Miranda was a powerful biotic and after seeing all or the vast majority of the refugees dead or disposed of... he didn't really feel too bad about seeing Henry Lawson get shot through the glass.

The mission was a success. Miranda and Oriana were both fine. Miranda was a bit scratched up, but even so she would recover.

He didn't really know Miranda or her sister. They hadn't really been introduced so when Shepard was talking with her with EDI and Garrus, Kaidan seemed a bit... lost. Being social was never really his strong suit.

"Will you two be alright?"

"We'll be fine, Shepard. Just..."

"Just?"

"I can't come with you. Join your crew again, I mean. I need to protect Oriana. I'm sorry. If it were just me... But it's not. I can't lead her into the jaws of death. And I can't just drop her off on some colony by herself while the Illusive Man and the Reapers are still around."

"I understand."

"So, do me a favor. Wipe them both off the face of the galaxy."

"Gladly."

"After, I'm sure we'll see each other again. You planning to settle down on Earth? Or will you still be a Spectre saving the galaxy from itself?"

"Maybe. But there'll be a lot of rebuilding to do. Vancouver's the plan though. Barring another crisis."

"The universe is full of crises. But... why Vancouver?"

"It's where Kaidan's family is. Which is my family by extension."

"Kaidan?" She glanced towards Kaidan who was turning scarlet. "Oh, I see. That makes sense. Shepard was mooning over you after Horizon for a long time. Very unprofessional."

"...Miranda."

"Am I lying?" No response. "Well, I'm happy for you. The both of you."

"What about you Miranda?" Garrus asked lightly. "Planning on settling down. Getting married. Starting a clan of genetically perfect cheerleaders?"

"..." She was silent for a moment. "I don't think... children are in the cards for me."

Shepard, sensing the awkwardness and knowing why, tried to smooth that away.

"Well, if it's your thing, you could always mate with an Asari."

"...Honestly though, I would hate to be called Mummy. Thinking about Joker calling me the 'Hot Cerberus Mama' is bad enough."

"...Jeff often says inappropriate things." EDI was slow to answer.

"Miranda."

"Shepard?"

"There's no excuse for you not to stay in contact this time."

"...Thanks, Shepard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Miranda a lot. And... she'll be playing a bigger part towards the end. Because I said so.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to write Drunk!Tali. So I did.

The Normandy

After the incident on Sanctuary, Kaidan was remarkably quiet on the shuttle back to the Normandy. He seemed rather deep in thought. John noted it but said nothing about it in front of others.

For a while, or at least as long as John was talking with the Admiral, Kaidan went to the lounge to get a drink. He found Tali, completely drunk and decided to join her.

"Hey, Kay-den. What... What're you doing here?"

"I needed a strong drink. Are you... Did Vega teach you how to drink."

"Maybe. Just a lee-ttle bit."

"That's safe?"

"No. But... we do unsafe things all the time, Kay-den. Cruising the galaxy. Fighting the bad guys. Kissing the cute males. Yes. We live..."

"How much can a quarian drink?"

"Dunno."

"I'm a bit worried about how you're going to go to the bathroom if you're too drunk to work your suit."

"You let me worry about that and you... worry about... the flammability of hair gel."

"How many fingers am I holding up right now?"

"...Don't. Know... How many do you humans usually have?"

They drank together for a while but Kaidan soon left for the observation deck. The alcohol didn't have the desired happy feeling he was looking for. Tali however seemed to be having a great time using the comm to annoy Javik and Liara. And then it became awkward when she started flirting with Garrus loudly.

He sat in his chair at the observation deck, breathing softly. His face was flushed but he was sober... or drunk enough that he became very contemplative and serious. 

"There you are."

"Here I am."

John appeared after ten minutes or so, watching him closely. 

"You okay? Tali told me where you were."

"I don't know."

"It's not like you to drink after a mission."

"It's not like Tali either. Hated to leave. Never seen a show like that before. She says some strange things when she's out of it. Coincidentally, the words 'Nerve Stim Pro' will haunt my dreams."

"Kaidan."

"I know. Just... don't say it."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know... Don't say what you're going to say. Don't say, 'It's okay, Kaidan. We couldn't save them all, Kaidan. It's not your fault, Kaidan. Are you going to be okay, Kaidan?'.. if you do I may implode. Like a Banshee. I might make the same noise too."

John made a face as he moved in, placing his hand on Kaidan's cheek. He felt slight stubble. Kaidan noticed his hand was colder than his face was. He hoped he didn't have a drunk blush.

"John-"

"You don't know what I'm going to say."

"Really? None of that came to mind?"

"I was going to tell you I was proud of you and that I love you."

"..Oh, fuck me that's even worse."

"I don't usually get THAT kind of response to saying it."

"Shit, Shepard. I.. just can't, okay? ..I know it doesn't make sense but you forgiving me makes it worse. If it weren't for me.."

"If it weren't for you what?"

"There would be more of them alive."

"They were dead before we got there."

"No. I mean. Horizon. Maybe some of them would've left the planet. If there were more left. Or there'd still be some left to save. It's.. I can't help feeling like it's my fault. Can we not talk about it? My head's swimming."

"Fine. We'll talk later. But Kaidan. I know you're in pain or you're getting down on yourself. But knock it the fuck off. Horizon was the Collectors' fault, not yours. They stunned you with advanced technology it took a top salarian scientist weeks to counteract which may not sound like much but he knew how to work the genophage so taking weeks is the human equivalent of a decade or so. Second, if they'd all been saved, all the colonists would probably have stayed on Horizon because we fixed the gun. So if Cerberus came in, they'd probably ALL be dead. Maybe the ones on Horizon left after because they were afraid and so maybe some of the people on Horizon before left long before Cerberus came. And even if they didn't, what Cerberus does - listen to me, Kaidan - what Cerberus does. Is. Not. Your. Fault. I know how you feel. I... After Thessia. You know. But that's why we're going to take the Illusive Man down. So think on that."

"..That all?"

"Yes. No. I'm mounting an operation to save the galaxy. And I need your help. We need... If we're going to stay together we need to be strong FOR each other. I need you, Kaidan. More than you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nerve Stim Pro. We all know what that was. The younger players don't but, us adults, we knew. We knew.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually 1 chapter plus 2 mini parts. I... was running late on the update when I did update so I kept putting in little things I could write quickly.
> 
> So that's why there's three different sub-stories with 3 different tones.

The Normandy

Kaidan stood outside John's cabin, not sure how to proceed. They'd fought before but usually when they'd fought, they had years in between the fights to reflect on mistakes. Well, it wasn't technically a fight. More like a tense emotional situation that felt almost like a fight because neither one of them was really happy and it required clearing the air.

Kaidan sighed lightly... He wasn't sure if he should knock or just... why would you knock on a door that opened automatically? He knocked anyway and entered slowly.

"Hey, John."

"Kaidan. What are you doing?"

"I... Don't really know. Figured I should talk to you. What are..."

The room had multiple datapads in every direction.

"I'm planning. We've got Cerberus's main base. All that's left is to take the fight to them."

"Uh huh..."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just... that's a lot of datapads."

"There's a lot of numbers."

"Names of ships, their crews, commanding officers, notes on people of interest, shipping sites, resource lists, colonies pledged to help us, notes on the Crucible, logistics... And that's only for the human fleets. I've also got the same for... asari, krogan, salarian, turian, quarian, geth, Aria's mercenary groups, batarian remnants and some varren and vorcha who are mostly helping the krogan."

"Shepard..."

"I just need it all to go... perfectly."

"Can't EDI help?"

"She is."

"But?"

"But I need to see the numbers myself. No room for error."

"My logical processing and calculations have a less than 2% margin of error, Shepard. The human brain on the other hand-"

"He didn't mean anything by it, EDI. It's a human thing. Or a John thing. He micromanages when he gets nervous."

"...I do not."

"You choose what weapons we have, what mods we get and before the Collectors attacked, you'd pick out our armor for us."

"..."

"Also, thanks for the Phoenix armor on Luna. That was fun."

"It regenerated health and had good shields. Plus it was nearly the only thing you'd wear, Mr. Light Armor."

"...What I'm saying is, you need to calm down."

"I know. I just... everything has to go according to plan."

"You realize nothing has gone according to plan right? We make up plans on the fly. And do our best. And destroy Reapers with thresher maws and quarian fleets."

"I just... what if everyone gets destroyed."

"Then you'll commit every ship name to memory. Just like you did for the Destiny Ascension."

"...Thanks."

"I love you, John."

"I do too. Until the end of time."

"Though if we do get killed in action, that's only a few weeks or so of loving me at most."

"Kaidan..."

"So much for a seven year itch, huh? And speaking of itch... I've got one only you can scratch."

"Kaidan, I can't right now."

"...You sure?"

"As much as I'd love to pound you into the mattress..."

"Who said you were topping?" John shot him a look. "Fine, fine... I'll leave you alone for now. Just ease up a bit, okay? I'd hate for you to have a heart attack before the big battle."

 

~ ~ ~

 

The Normandy - Lounge

After waiting an hour or two, Kaidan decided he needed a plan of attack.

He decided to head into the lounge and see what he could get to convince Shepard to take a break with. Maybe bourbon. Or whiskey.

Something powerful for the Commander.

As he entered, he noticed Tali was still there, drunk.

"Hey, Kaidan! You're back. I missed you..."

"...Hi, Tali."

"I've always missed you since you left. No one else loves omnitools like you do."

"That's... thank you?"

"Yes. That IS thank you. Whater you doing?"

"I'm going to grab a bottle of something to try to coax Shepard out of hiding."

"Ooh. You know. You Canadians. You're known for your hospitality right?"

"I guess?"

"And your politeness."

"..."

"And your moose..."

"...Tali..."

"And your neutrality..."

"Tali, that's Switzerland."

"We should rename Canada since... half of it is on fire. I think. We should call it... Canadan. No. Kainadia. Kainada."

"..."

"You go, you go... I'm going to think of it. The emergency induction port gives me inspiration."

"Alright. You... be careful standing up."

"Thank you. And good luck with your neutrality."

 

~ ~ ~

 

Kaidan walked toward's the elevator holding his bottle of alcohol. In the end he'd decided on bourbon. Hopefully bourbon worked. As long as it wasn't scotch again. And Shepard alerted him that he mentioned Canadian lager more than anyone in the history of the universe ever had.

"Come on. Shepard's had... human, asari, turian, salarian, quarian, krogan, drell, an AI, a geth AND a prothean. That just leaves... what? Rachni... vorcha... batarian... hanar... volus... maybe a yagh. I think next time we do a suicidal mission we'll have a batarian or an elcor with us."

"This conversation is useless and accomplishes nothing."

"Javik, you gotta lighten up, bro."

"I am not your brother, cave-dweller."

"...Well, personally, I just hope that the next alien squad member is a good shot. Though I think a volus would fit in nicely."

"Really, Scars? A volus? They'd be ripped to shreds."

"It's not much different than fighting alongside a quarian."

"Except when Sparks's suit gets ruptured her flesh doesn't tear apart."

"Right. She just gets a fever and has to be on bed rest for a while."

"Which is infinitely less of a liability than flesh tearing."

"Well, then a batarian maybe. Vorcha would be dangerous. They're not the warm cuddly type like Grunt or Wrex... or Jack."

"I guess. I kind of like the idea of an elcor or a hanar on the team."

"That would probably not work."

"Dude, it'd be awesome. One would be all 'This one is going to copulate your fecal matter up!' and the other would be all 'With the utmost of ease, I could do this all day.' It would be awesome."

"...You watch too many movies. Besides, if we had a hanar around, it might see Javik and start worshiping him endlessly. It's hard to 'copulate fecal matter up' when you're singing battle hymns and trying to touch the real live Enkindler."

"I sometimes look back on my life and think, I was a great commander of a dying army. Glory, victory and vengeance were to be mine. And here I am. Being witness to the most inane conversation the universe has ever known."

Kaidan felt bad for Javik. Still, he admired Javik's restraint for not having beaten James to a bloody pulp a while ago. Maybe that was Liara's doing. 

He walked by, trying to get away before they dragged him in on it.

"Evening, Major." Garrus mentioned as Kaidan boarded the elevator.

"Hey, Garrus."

"Going up?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun." Garrus made a smirk. Probably. Whatever his mandible was doing, it twitched. He then turned back to James. "A batarian is the only logical choice. With so many eyes, they'd be a great shot."

"...But seriously, dude the elcor could have a tank strapped to its back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, apologies to Canada. Good luck with your neutrality. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Also, I wonder what Mass Effect 1 was really like when Shepard was shopping for everyone and giving them armor in different colors. And Kaidan was like 'Oh... Shepard... Phoenix armor... hot pink... you shouldn't have...' and Shepard was like a proud mother like 'TRY IT ON~' and I can't imagine Kaidan would say he didn't like it, just grin and bear it. Wrex would probably have been laughing at him until he ended up in Phoenix krogan armor. 
> 
> Then again Kaidan was kind of screwed with the light armor options a lot, huh? 
> 
> ...
> 
> I'm sorry, I have no idea where that all came from.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost sexy time.

The Normandy - Captain's Cabin

By the time Kaidan had come back to see John, he was so engrossed in his datapads that he didn't notice the sound of the door opening or the footsteps. Instead he was treated to the feeling of a cold bottle of alcohol brushing up against his neck, making him jump.

"Kaidan!"

"Bang. Dead. I could've been a Phantom and you'd be gone."

"Lucky for me, you're not."

"Actually, you'd probably be better off for it. I suck at stealth."

"No."

"No, it's true. Remember back at that monastery I tripped in the dark? And- ...That was a sarcastic no wasn't it."

"You need to ask?"

"You should take a break all the same."

"Well, between my lightning reflexes and your perception, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Do I have to drag you away from them by force? I brought something to drink. Just a quick something."

"You're definitely lying."

"It'll be fine. Just a quick drink. To loosen you up."

"You're trying to take advantage of me aren't you?"

"That thought never crossed my mind."

"...Do you think we're ready?"

"I think... well, maybe if the Council had believed you that first time. And if they had believed you the second time... And if everyone didn't have their own agenda... then maybe we'd be really ready."

"...Hm."

"I mean, you gotta wonder what would've happened if Palaven believed us and their fleet was in full force under us. And if Thessia had gotten militarized a bit. And if the batarians were still around for us. And if the quarians, krogan and salarians had gotten all their shit straightened out."

"So no?"

"So... Whatever we've got now, it's thanks to you. And what we don't... history, if history still exists, will look back on all the idiots who thought you were wrong and point and laugh. Or mock. I don't know if people laugh about millions of dead people."

"I just can't help but feel we'd be... way better off if I had done something more."

"You've solved more interspecial incidents in the past few months than it took for them to create them all in the past few centuries."

"I just..."

"Feel like you didn't do a good enough job?"

"No. Maybe. I just wish I could be sure."

"Trust me then. I'm sure. On second thought, I was sure of a lot of things before."

"Like?"

"Like how the quarian and geth would kill each other. Like being sure I'd never want anyone dead even with my ability to kill them. And like how I was so sure that I'd end up with a woman."

"Sorry to burst your bubbles."

"I could make a very amusing joke if I replaced bubble with cherry."

John couldn't hold back that laugh.

"See? You did everything you could. Now it's time to sit back and relax and let things take their course. And drink."

"I don't really feel much like drinking, Kaidan."

"Just a quick drink. Everyone knows that no one likes drinking so much as they like the feeling of being drunk."

"...You really are an evil distraction."

"Well, to be honest, my idea was to ply you with liquor and have you take advantage of me."

"And how's that plan working out?"

"Eh... Well, the signs seem good. Not sure if I have a strong enough commitment to the plan from my partner but I'm willing to convince him."

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"First with my hands. Then with my mouth. Then with my thighs."


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's man on man sex in this chapter. If that bothers you, please don't read and be careful on the internet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a friendly reminder that you should always wear condoms and be aware of good hygiene when engaging in sex in general.

It started with a simple kiss. The subtle touch of lips and a hand on the cheek and before they knew it, it was an arms race of teasing.

Lips on the neck, followed by teeth. Kisses and small bites as one worked to pull the shirt off the other. And with more flesh, the more complicated the dance became. Kaidan yelped slightly feeling the mouth on his nipple, instinctively wrapping his arms around John's head to pull him closer as he was pushed against the wall.

Shoes were thrown off haphazardly, John pulling Kaidan's leg up to his waist against the wall as he teased him more and more. Before he knew it, he was disrobed entirely by the commander, except for the black briefs. John was nearly fully clothed as he tossed Kaidan onto the bed jokingly. 

"Turn over." John muttered as Kaidan blushed, on his back and slightly shaky, he turned onto his stomach. 

"Head down, ass up." John's voice was authoritative but teasing and Kaidan complied. Being with a man was still something that caught even himself off-guard. Every so often while kissing John he'd realize the hand on his chest, calloused from holding rifles belonged to a man. Never in his wildest imaginations had he imagined ending up with Shepard.

Well, no, that wasn't true. There was the occasional time when his mind wandered to that alternative. Nothing indecent, but after Virmire he found himself more connected to Shepard than ever. That they were close friends and now feeling Shepard kneeling behind him, the rustle of his own clothing being removed, he found himself thinking it wasn't so strange to be with a man.

He never considered himself gay. But he was definitely in love with Shepard. John. He served under Shepard. He loved John. It was different. 

He trembled lightly feeling the tongue slide over his back, lower back, hands now on his hips, pulling the cheeks apart as he felt the warm tongue on his entrance. He moaned softly into the sheets and John handed him a pillow to make sure he wasn't uncomfortable. Whenever they had more... impromptu sex, there was lube involved. When John made sure to take his time, there was excessive rimming. And Kaidan was quite sure that this would be a long night. 

John liked to tease Kaidan to excess. Maybe John liked seeing Kaidan sweating and trembling, though who wouldn't? He usually called the shots, not that Kaidan wouldn't be dominant at times but he got a small rush seeing John surrender control to him when Kaidan assumed it. But right now, he was more concerned with how this was going to play out. He moaned lightly into the pillow and he slowly reached a hand down to stroke himself.

"Hands above your head, Major. That's an order." Kaidan obeyed, hands shaking as John licked against him with increasing frequency and he cursed lightly. He felt the tongue lick the back of his length, fingers teasing him more and more. 

Before Kaidan could register it, John slipped inside him eliciting a sharp moan. John smirked, teasing Kaidan with the rhythm, seeing Kaidan's body twitching and shuddering with desire.

"Turn over again."

Kaidan mumbled something as John pulled out. He was breathing heavily, but wasn't obeying. John smirked and gave him a slap on the ass before lightly grabbing him by the cock and used it as a chance to get Kaidan to comply and turn over, pushing his leg over until Kaidan was on his back, face flushed and sweating.

"You don't cum without permission. Got that?"

Kaidan nodded, and John moved in, spreading his legs and entering again. Kaidan loved the weight on him, felt one leg be pulled over Shepard's shoulder and the other around his waist as he leaned into him, kissing Kaidan without mercy. 

"I'll... get you for this, John." Kaidan promised revenge.

"Scary."

"Scarier than any Reaper. Now hurry up and fuck me... before I stage a mutiny." Kaidan remarked as John kissed at his neck, thrusting deeply.

Maybe he always imagined himself with a woman. But he was beginning to learn there was a difference between attraction and love.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Had some unavoidable hurricane issues to deal with but here's part 38!

Kaidan woke up to see John holding his head in his hands.

At first his mind was puzzled as he leaned in.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Bad dream."

"Mm... No offense, but I'm glad. For a minute you looked like that one girl who wakes up next to someone thinking about how screwed up their life is and how he's a big mistake."

"You're not a big mistake."

"I... wasn't speaking seriously but thanks."

"Sorry. Everything just seems so serious and important."

"Hey. Anderson would yell at me if you break now."

"Wouldn't want you to get in trouble." Shepard answered glumly.

"You've downed 3 Reapers so far. I think Harbinger's next, what do you think?"

"I think... I wish Earth had thresher maws or quarian fleets."

"You know what they do have?"

"Me?"

"I was going to say me, but yeah they do have you. Don't worry so much..."

"I just wish... we're not all going to make it out of this alive."

"No. Probably not. But we'll win. We'll rebuild. And the history books will talk all about John Shepard, savior of the galaxy, first human spectre, the Normandy etc."

"Uh huh..."

"And I'll be in the books as the guy who stood by your side through it all. Right?"

"Right." John smiled lightly. "Thanks, Kaidan."

"Don't thank me just yet. It's because of me that you're going to be the first human Spectre who was walking funny. Maybe they'll have that in the history books."

"Oh really? Is that a challenge?"

"No, of course not. A challenge implies that you stand a chance."

Kaidan smirked pulling John back to bed, eager to wrap his lips around John's. 

"You know, letting you into my cabin is always a mistake..."


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more fluff before the storm.

John never really told Kaidan about the nightmares. At least not in totality. He'd talked about how there was a boy on Earth he could have saved and that he'd had nightmares about it but he hadn't really mentioned that the boy haunted the majority of his dreams. It was easier with Kaidan there. He felt more at ease but still sometimes they showed up.

"You okay?"

"...Yeah."

"You don't look okay."

"Look who's talking. Your hair's kind of a mess. And it might be stuck that way with the hair gel."

"I... don't use that much hair gel."

"I'm afraid to ask what your regular hair looks like."

"It's... kind of an explosion of curls."

"...Well, when we're back on Earth, I want to see that."

"Hey. No jokes. Are you feeling okay?" Kaidan moved forward, wrapping his arms around John from behind. He could feel John's breathing hitch lightly.

"I hope we're ready."

"That again?"

"That's going to be the general thought running through my mind until this is over."

"Mine will be trying not to get freaked out by banshees. Again."

"I thought you said no jokes."

"...I meant that for you."

Kaidan leaned in and gave John another kiss on the cheek.

"Whenever your lips touch mine something long and sweaty soon follows."

"Well, we could always take a cold shower instead."

"Then your hair gel would wash out."

"I'd be taking you from behind so it's not like you'd even see."

"Uh huh."

"Are you worried?"

"Terrified."

"You hide it well."

"No. I just remember Ilos. Suicide runs are your specialty."

"Maybe I should get my armor on."

"No shower?"

"I don't know. Messy kisses in the bathroom do sound nice."

"Whether we live or... not... we'll go down fighting."

"I believe in you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shepard, don't make fun of the curly hair. For all we know you have... no, if he grew his hair, he'd probably get long smooth Legolas hair.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to say there's a good reason I hadn't posted in a while. I'd like to but the truth is I forgot my password and it somehow didn't occur to me to click the 'forgot your password?' thing. I... yeah...

Earth - London

Ever since they'd arrived, Kaidan's heart felt like it was bungee jumping. Sometimes it was in his throat and he couldn't breathe... and other times it plummeted to his stomach and twisted into knots making him feel nauseous. 

It was surreal to see Earth this way. 

It somehow had less of an impact on him seeing asari architecture destroyed and on fire but seeing London in shambles with Big Ben covered in soot in the distance, seeing streetlights and cobblestone walkways demolished made it sink in.

Kaidan had refused to let Shepard go on the suicide mission without him. He even attempted to get him to promise.

"No leaving me behind, John."

"I said I wouldn't."

"I mean it. No pulling heroic stunts where you launch yourself at the Reapers to certain death."

"Kaidan..."

"No, John. I know... it's probably the end for us. And that thousands of people are going to die in this... thing. But if I die or if you die, I want to be there so I know... what happened. So I don't have to wonder if in two years you'll show up reconstructed by Cerberus or something. Just... promise me you won't."

"That I won't leave you behind or that I won't be rebuilt by Cerberus?"

"...John don't make fun of me."

"I'm sorry. I guess... there's plenty of time to make fun of you when the Reapers are gone."

"...Yeah, I guess so."

"And rebuilding all the cities on Earth that got destroyed... it'll be tough."

"Just put some omnigel on it." Kaidan cracked a weak joke.

"Yeah. Your private stash to keep that mop of confusion you call hair under control would probably repair London, Tokyo, New York and Vancouver."

"Shepard..."

"Go get ready. I'm going to need you at your best."

"Right."

Kaidan went to prepare and make some last minute calls. 

The anxiety that kept his heart bouncing in his chest didn't dissipate. In fact it got worse.

Because John never promised. Not that he could blame him.

He'd never promise something so impossible.


	41. Chapter 41

Earth - London

Kaidan stood by, jittery but alert as they formulated their plan. It was good to see Anderson again. Awkward though.

"I see you're with Shepard."

"It... happened that way, yeah."

"Listen. About how I pushed you into this. I didn't really take your feelings into consideration. When you get to be my age doing this kind of job, you see everything as a mission. A goal to get to. And I guess I should know more than anyone that sometimes the soldiers getting the job done suffer the most from it."

"It's fine, Anderson. Really."

"Just thought I should say that. Being so close to the end of it all, in one way or another, I don't want any lasting regrets."

"Yeah."

"You have plans with John after this whole mess?"

Kaidan took a moment. He wanted to say that they planned on staying on Earth for a while though... he felt a bit uneasy about how it might happen.

"Nothing... concrete."

"Mm. Still, it's nice to have something to look forward to."

"You have anything in mind?"

"I do. Someone I think about every so often. Someone I let get away from me. It all seemed less urgent then. There was always time to get it done later. Now I see how... well, you know."

"...Yeah."

"My suggestion is you take him to a club once this is over. You'll probably get free drinks."

Once Shepard and Kaidan had a moment alone, Kaidan pulled him aside. John was getting a bit wary of seeing Anderson and Kaidan talking together.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Just. Captain Anderson was trying to make some last amends. You know. In case..."

"Death."

"John."

"I wish everyone would stop tiptoeing around it. Death. It happens. And I don't want it to but... people are going to die."

"You think you'll die?" Kaidan asked lightly. It got a reaction from John who wasn't expecting the question.

"It's possible. I guess... I don't know."

"I'd prefer you didn't."

"Well, I've died once already. It didn't really stop me. Clinically brain dead and everything."

"I just... don't want to lose you. We spent so much time not... together. And then angry. And mistrusting and now it just seems like it was all a waste."

"Kaidan..."

"I know it sounds selfish but could you not die? I don't think I'd get over you. I wouldn't even know how to try."

John leaned in and gave Kaidan a supportive kiss on the forehead.

"Don't think about it."

"Well. I'll make sure nothing touches you. I don't care if I give myself an aneurysm."

"I'd like to keep you aneurysm-free."

Kaidan offered a weak smile. Like always. He'd play coy and hope John understood. And finally that just started to anger him and he glanced back at Shepard, eyes full of purpose and maybe a bit of anger. Immediately John was taken aback but Kaidan pushed him against the wall, roughly before planting his lips over John's.

"You better not die, you son of a bitch. If I have to mourn you again I will kick your ass. You're going to live and then I'm going to drag you back to Vancouver to meet my mom and then we're going to a club. I'll teach you how to dance. And then we'll spend the whole week in bed, not because it's a honeymoon but because you'll be too sore to walk. And you're going to love me. Because if I have to drag you out of a Reaper's mouth with just my biotics I will and then I'll kick your ass, do you understand me?"

"Kaidan-"

"I asked you a question, John. Yes or no."

"I understand."

"Good. Now your lips belong to me until we have to go."

"You been taking lessons from Jack or Aria lately?"

He offered weakly before his lips were repossessed by Kaidan's. There was no way he'd let him go.


	42. Chapter 42

Earth - London

They had a goal. They were near the finish line. Actually, he felt a lot better once they started the mission instead of talking about it and standing around and saying goodbyes. Maybe because they could hide their feelings in shooting husks... or that worrying about not getting hit by big red beams of destruction left little room for idle thoughts. 

Still, standing beside Liara and Shepard, he felt like it was old times. Garrus was saying goodbye to Tali. Tali was working on machinery, making sure the missiles and the convoys were in working order as Garrus worked on protecting the perimeter. EDI seemed largely distracted, perhaps she was having a conversation with Joker up in space. Vega was trying his best to enthuse the soldiers taking a lesson or two from Wrex.

Everyone was ready.

Once they set out, it was a mad dash to move forward. Husks and Reaper forces were moving on every side. Still, he was determined to get Shepard there in one piece.

He still was not too pleased to hear the shriek of a banshee but watching Liara obliterate one made it better.

It happened then that Liara was sending Singularity pulses towards Cannibals. Somehow a darkly humorous part of his mind was playing Tchaikovsky instrumental ballet as he watched deceased husks and Cannibals and Marauders twirling gracefully through the air.

John and Vega were dismantling Brutes piece by piece, city block by city block. Hopefully they could come back when London was rebuilt and tour the sites.

Or maybe it would all be different. He could just imagine British tour guides showing people the victory route of Shepard's contingent. 'And here on your left is where Shepard propelled a husk into a wall where it exploded on impact...'

Correction: there was where Kaidan Alenko, 2nd human Spectre sent a husk into a wall where it exploded on impact, saving John Shepard, 1st human Spectre who wasn't watching his flank.

"Thanks, Kaidan."

"Someone has to watch your ass."

"I thought that was just your hobby."

"Ha ha, laugh it up. Still, nobody touches you without my permission."

"Is that a promise?"

Garrus sniped a Marauder before it fired at the two of them.

"If you two are done planning the honeymoon, can we get back to saving all the worlds?"

"Ah, don't worry, Scars. I'm sure we can give them 15 minutes for a quickie." Vega blew a hole through a Brute's head.

"Is this really the proper time for this conversation...?" Liara turned around after catching two Cannibals in another Singularity field.

"It's okay, Liara. We'll just have to make sure that the world knows that the quarian and the asari saved the world while the boys were off being stupid." Tali sounded slightly nonplussed, crippling two Marauders.

"I believe the technical term is 'playing grab-ass'..." EDI shrugged lightly as she scanned for more enemies.

Javik was having no part in the conversation and was determined to keep it that way.

"I honestly don't know how we keep saving the world..." Tali rolled her eyes in her helmet.

"Maybe just dumb luck, Tali." Shepard finally answered.

"Hell no! It's dumb skill, Loco!"

"You're a dumb skill, James."

"Say something, Sparks?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You're a dumb skill." is a line I will forever wait to use in actual conversation. Forever.


	43. Chapter 43

Earth - London

From there, it was the downward slope of an uphill battle. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Kaidan cringed hearing the chatter over the radios, hearing about platoons being wiped out by the giant red eye shooting lasers.

Swarms of Marauders and Cannibals that overtook squads, Banshees that just wouldn't stop and Brutes ripping apart armed vehicles. 

Still, it was the final stretch and there they were rushing ahead.

"John, just... be careful."

"I will. You be careful too."

"I'll try. Mainly concerned with saving your ass though."

There was a light smile as they took cover. He had to take a few deep breaths, the migraines coming back to haunt him in full force. Maybe he was using his biotics too much. It didn't matter, he could rest later. There was a job to do. Luckily, the adrenaline helped numb the pain.

"Don't push yourself."

"Look who's talking, Mr. Suicide Run." Kaidan smiled back, a bit weakly. 

There was a momentary realization that he was flirting with a man. Sometimes it was hard to think of John as a man so much as his lover... not that it made much sense, really. 

Once they were clear, it seemed like it was a race to the Citadel. And it was literally a suicide run.

Armed forces and vehicles and troops ran along, Mako-type vehicles swarmed, choppers flew in and a large amount of infantry soldiers just went for broke.

It was a bit like Tuchanka, except they had had more cover. And a giant thresher maw. At the time, Kaidan had thought rushing forward and ducking behind old ruins was insane. 

Now here he was running through broken streets or maybe an empty field after John along with everyone else. There wasn't any time to think how insane they were for running ahead watching armored vehicles get blown across the landscape or shot out of the sky. There also wasn't time to focus on how the red beam of death had nearly clipped them at least five times. 

The sound of blood pumping in his ears drowned out his heavy breathing and the explosions.

And before he knew it, Shepard was avoiding getting flattened by a Mako.

Kaidan looked up and saw one coming towards him now. At least Liara had the wherewithal to push him away as hard as she could with her biotics and Kaidan did the same for her. It was a bit odd using biotics on a teammate but the push probably saved their lives. Liara was strong.

Kaidan bit London earth as he slid to the ground. For a small moment he thought he was safe until the Mako had exploded. He felt his face get splattered by blood as shrapnel pushed in his suit, cracking it slightly as he got punctured by metal.

He stumbled to his feet only to tumble back again. EDI and Tali helped him stand and pulled him to his feet. He was alive, perhaps a bit frightened, but alive.

If it weren't for his biotic barriers constantly being used and his suit, he would've been dead. As it was, he felt like death and it was hard to move, but he would live. He was sure he would.

"Kaidan!" John's voice echoed as Kaidan looked up numbly. "Normandy, we need an evac."

"John... don't. I'll be okay." Kaidan mumbled lightly as they ducked behind a downed vehicle. He didn't want to get in their way again.

He couldn't believe it. He'd tripped at the finish line. The earth might be lost and it'd be his fault only no one would be alive to know. 

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine..."

"Kaidan. It's not up for debate."


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part I had up on the old kink meme thing so... the rest I have to write from scratch. So... yay.

Earth - London

"I'm not going."

"Kaidan. I am not debating your safety as Harbinger shoots at us!"

"I'm fine. I'll... be fine."

"We both know that you need medical attention."

"It's not fatal."

"No, but it'll slow you down. And then you'll get incinerated by a giant beam."

"But..."

"Or one of us bleeding hearts will go back to try and save you." Garrus spoke up, interjecting.

"The Normandy is on its way, Shepard." EDI spoke with a sharp exactness. Maybe it was because she was the Normandy at this point.

"John..."

"Kaidan, you musn't move. You'll bleed out." Liara did her best to apply pressure, along with Tali as they ducked behind a downed vehicle. Tali was as good at applying pressure to a suit puncture as one could expect from a quarian.

"It's nothing too serious. If you were a quarian you'd be too sick to move for three weeks but..."

"But I'm human and I can do this." Kaidan tried to stand and Tali shoved him back into place.

"Kaidan, you can't push yourself like this."

The Normandy started doing its emergency evac, the team pushing Kaidan aboard against his will.

"You all stay here."

"Shepard...!" Liara seemed surprised.

"I have to make sure you all make it through this."

"That's nuts, Loco! Even for you."

"John don't... don't leave me behind."

"You know I wouldn't if I didn't have to. You need to live and you... get to be mad at me for weeks and get sick of the ceremonies in our honor and everyone getting sick of cleaning Harbingers circuts out of the atmosphere."

"...It's not fair. I should be with you."

"You are."

"I mean physically, idiot."

"It took me two years to come back to you didn't it? And months after that?"

"Yeah... but you died."

"And that only made me angrier."

"If you die, I'll bring you back. And kick your ass."

"I love you."

"I'm still going to kick your ass."


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, everyone!

The Normandy - Med Bay, above Earth

 

His only sense that was really working was his hearing at that point. His mind had all but checked out from the battle as the Normandy sped away from the encounter.

Joker refused to leave them all alone, high and dry, but being so close to Harbinger at that moment was flirting with death... and although the crew of the Normandy did that on a regular basis and always had, it wasn't something they did recklessly. 

Kaidan felt the blood pumping through his body, echoing in his ear like the sound of distant war drums. He knew that John was on his own now. And there wasn't anything he could do. He felt lost and empty, as if the color had drained from the world. He was starting to collapse in on himself when Liara and Dr. Chakwas escorted him to the Med Bay.

Truth be told, they were both anticipating a battle from him. Kaidan Alenko wasn't the type to pitch a fit when being sent to the Med Bay, but he also wasn't the type to be led meekly by the hand while the two checked his pulse and peeled off bloodied battle armor. He was hyper aware of how he felt, shaking, angry, on the verge of tears that wouldn't come and gripping his fists so tightly that it was nearly impossible to slip the armor off of him when they tried to pull his arm through the hole.

He'd been left behind again. And he was still causing John problems.

He'd wandered too close to the alien relic on Eden Prime and nearly been short-circuited by the beacon. And John had saved him.

He'd been unable to complete the mission on Virmire on his own. He knew that John and Ashley wouldn't blame him. But he blamed himself. And because of his oversights and carelessness, Ashley died on Virmire. And John had saved him.

He'd been attacked on Horizon by the Collectors. And John had saved him. The worst part of that was that even after the incident he laid all of his anger and mistrusts on John, but Shepard was the stoic stalwart of humanity and let it go.

He'd been attacked by Eva Core on Mars and hospitalized. And John had saved him.

He'd almost been killed by Cerberus on the Citadel. But John made sure he lived and spared him.

And now, thousands of miles away, in the cold emptiness of space, Kaidan sat there because he'd been saved and evacuated and John remained on Earth at the epicenter of a climactic battle; no crew, no ship, no one and nothing to help him. 

Even now as the Normandy was avoiding cannons and lasers from enemy ships, Kaidan felt useless. What was the point of getting stronger if he couldn't save anyone? What was the point of becoming wiser if he hadn't learned anything? What was the point of getting older and bullet-holed and gray and more powerful than ever if he was still committing the same mistakes over and over again, time after time.

The bright light shining in his eyes from a medical tool brought him out of his meditation as Dr. Chakwas tested his pupils and examined him for any injuries to the head.

Liara wasn't as familiar with human physiology as Dr. Chakwas but she was there to help if she could. She twisted her blue hands and wrung them impatiently, nerves driving her to squeeze her flesh until it discolored and she released only to do it again.

"He's going to die..."

"Kaidan?"

"He'll die down there, we have to go back."

Liara wanted to respond but even she was at a loss.

"There's nothing you can do for him in your present state..." Dr. Chakwas always did keep her cool under pressure rather well. Maybe that was because when she was under pressure, she usually had something she could do by tending to the wounded. That was her role and she knew it and she accepted and so threw herself into her duty.

"But if we don't save him, he'll die. I know Shepard is Shepard but even John can't... he can't defeat Harbinger all on his own."

"Right now we have to trust that Shepard knows what he's doing, Kaidan." Liara did her best to keep control of her tone of voice, not wanting to sound shrill or irresolute.

"You don't know him." She looked shocked. "I mean... You know Shepard but... John... the Reaper on Tuchanka was blind luck. And he doesn't have the targeting system of the fleet to bring Harbinger down. How is he supposed to get to the Citadel if every... spare battalion... couldn't do it...? No person can do that."

"Kaidan..."

His adrenaline began to subside and he began to feel every burn, every scrape, every sore muscle began to ache at once with pronounced heaviness on his limbs. The giddy, punch-drunk feeling was fleeting and before he knew it, the pain crept back inside of him. His hands were shaking and had been shaking. The blood splattered on his armor and face was beginning to dry.

Worst of all was the migraine that inched its way in, pounding through his head with every beat of his heart. The timbre of the heartbeat boomed in his ear like a timpani, striking at the migraine like a chisel and making it that much worse. How fast was his mind reeling? How hot was his L2 implant running? It was dizzying, maddening and made him feel nauseous and heavy. 

His words came out in a dazed, pained tone.

The realization was sudden: John always came to Kaidan's aid and Kaidan could never help John when he needed it most; not ever.

"It's my fault again. He's in trouble because of me. He's ALWAYS in trouble because of... me..."


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me, this ending is a mix of headcanon and the official ending. This isn't the final chapter; I mean the Mass Effect 3 "ending".

The Normandy - Near Earth and the Citadel

 

His brain felt hot. The L2 implant was going crazy and had been for a while, or maybe he hadn't noticed it.

Kaidan was largely out of it at this point, a mix of feeling punch drunk and the sedatives that Dr. Chakwas had injected him with to keep him from thrashing around. He felt a bit loopy, fighting to stay conscious. Things felt slow and droopy and slowed down but his mind was racing as he resisted the sedatives while Dr. Chakwas tried to do what she could. She was very close to strapping Kaidan to the bed but knowing that they were in the middle of a gigantic fire-fight, that seemed to be a pretty bad idea. If the Normandy got hit and needed to be evacuated, again, she needed Kaidan to be able to move and get away.

She'd seen too many old vids of people getting caught and dragged down by a blown up spaceship or for some mysterious reason the buckle jams and they waste time trying to cut the strap. Those were her thoughts as the Normandy bobbed and weaved through Reaper forces while a huge quarian ship that looked somewhat like a nautilus broke apart a Reaper. Normally, the bright flashes and the yawing of the ship would have been distracting but Dr. Chakwas found it easier to work because it kept reminding her of the immediacy and urgency of the situation.

Kaidan wasn't sure if the migraine was from the L2 or just the weariness of the day. His body felt heavy but he was so alert that Dr. Chakwas finally had to give him another sedative. Although he probably had taken enough sedative to drop Grunt or Wrex by this point, he was reluctant to drop.

"Shepard..." He mumbled to himself. He couldn't tell if he was thinking out loud or to himself and in any event, no one was answering him. "He needs me... John needs me. I don't... want him to do this all alone." 

Even if he was in the way, he wanted to be strong for Shepard. He wanted to make up for all the times he wasn't there for Shepard when he could've used the help. Or a friend. John would've kicked his ass for talking like that. Wasn't that all in the past? Mars? Horizon? The Citadel? Didn't they agree to leave that behind? He just wanted to be useful. He wanted to be useful and know that there was still a place for him, that even if John was the one who fired the final bullet, he wasn't alone and he had a squad and a boyfriend - a lover and partner - who was right behind him with a fresh clip in case Shepard missed.

 

There was an eerie calm that set in over the ship and Kaidan wondered if maybe he had fallen asleep but was dreaming but Dr. Chakwas noticed it too. The fleets had stopped firing. And a huge flash of light. Had they won? Had Shepard won?

The next thing he knew, lights were flashing, things were rattling and Dr. Chakwas and Liara were holding Kaidan to the table as tight as they could while Joker was gunning it as fast as possible.

No.

They were going somewhere?

But Shepard was the other way. John was still there.

In that moment, it wasn't clear if Shepard had beaten the Reapers, or the Reapers had staged a counterattack and were decimating the fleet left and right or if a wormhole had opened up to the dimension where Blasto was actually funny, despite John's constant affirmations that it wasn't just funny - it was hilarious. 

And it didn't really matter as Kaidan finally was defeated by the sedatives and waning adrenaline to keep him up.

What about John? 

"I won't be able to tell him..."


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan hangs up on the Council for old time's sake.
> 
> Note: Bragas means panties in Spanish. The more you know.

Sol Relay - The Destiny Ascension

It had been 3 days since the end of the Reaper invasion when the allied fleets defeated the last of the Reaper forces. Most of the Reapers collapsed or soundlessly deactivated or tumbled through space like rag dolls.

It was probably one of the most eerie feelings that they'd lived through. Everyone wanted to believe they were gone but the fleets still fired on the derelict Reapers just in case. The turians in particular hammered all Reaper carcasses with the remainder of their fleet that was still guarding Palaven and Menae; being the great tacticians of the galaxy, they were afraid this was a very cunning ploy - playing possum until everyone poked their heads out of their hidey-holes and out from their shields and barriers and then - bam! - they'd come to life again and wipe out the confused and regrouping forces.

The turians were still allegedly dragging Reaper bodies and pushing them into suns across their areas - better safe than sorry.

The salarians were theoretically doing the same as the turians, but everyone believed they were hoarding Reaper artifacts on Sur'Kesh to study, very hush hush.

The asari were the ones who went out to repair communications, however temporary. Thessia had been a major blow to them but now justicars and asari commandos were scouring Thessia while the other sideline asaris bridged communication gaps on their worlds. Ironically, it was Aria who had most of the resources to do so and was spreading her goodwill charity across the galaxy. When asked about that, she'd simply shrug and say how deeply indebted the galaxy would be to her and that she'd make another fortune on the royalties and interest for her eezo, now that Omega was hers again.

The volus were the ones stabilizing the galactic market along with the hanar and the elcor who did their best to take stock of who or what was lost, physically or culturally.

The quarians and the geth were invaluable, especially in stabilizing things. The quarians and their fleet moved through the galaxy to help repair satellites and landed in isolated worlds to help them get off world or transport supplies. The geth worked with the quarians, though they scared the crap out of most of the other races. Many of the geth and quarians provided much needed relief to the batarians.

The humans were the ones who had it most together, likely because Admiral Hackett was there coordinating things between the various nations. The Alliance was working in tandem with C-Sec while the Citadel was still ominously near Earth. Luna and Mars were also providing some key aid in assisting the Citadel.

The Normandy was summoned to meet with the Destiny Ascension so that the crew of the Normandy could properly go over what had happened, though it quickly evolved into a big to-do when various awards were getting showered upon them.

 

Garrus stood there awkwardly with his new medal, clearly unsure of what position he'd be left in when Palaven was taking stock of the dead. He was really just praying he didn't get a glorified desk job.

Javik was down on the Citadel; probably his way of honoring his ancestors by seeing the Citadel free of Reaper forces.

Tali was trying to coordinate with the fleet and was already redirecting Council mentions of the quarian embassy being opened up back to the other Admirals. She felt massively out of place and unintentionally snubbed the Asari councilor when she referred to her as 'Admiral' and Tali hadn't registered it. Luckily, Liara was able to repair that rather quickly.

EDI and Joker were enjoying their newfound 'we're all going to live' wave of excitement. Traynor and EDI were constantly running logistics and coordinating things and EDI had found it funny to pretend like she was glitching and "over capacity". She'd overdone it when she claimed she was overheating and then partially set her mechanical body on fire with an Incinerate. 

James was there, but looked like death. Luckily for him everyone thought he'd just seen a lot of battle. Little did they know he'd tied one on with Steve, Gabby, Ken and Adams and was working off a wicked hangover from his bender that had left him feeling like he'd fought the war himself. He did enjoy his medal though and even though Hackett had given him a strange and knowing look, he was pretty much guaranteed to make it into the N7 program.

Liara was so busy she'd ended up programming four new VIs to help her manage everything she was working on, from Shadow Broker matters to helping Thessia and the asari colonies to relief efforts.

Kaidan looked like hell. He felt like hell. He was doing just fine and all patched up, though that was mostly thanks to some very powerful sedatives to induce rest and relief efforts being underway with medigel being shipped out faster than they could make it. But either way, Kaidan was there. He'd gotten another fancy award or medal that he didn't know what he'd do with it. More than anything he was edgy and though he was well-rested, still a bit punch drunk and a tiny bit driven by adrenaline and painkillers.

They'd been summoned to the Destiny Ascension but in true Council style, they were being stalled and misdirected and told to wait as things were getting done.

"I spy with my little eye..." James began for what seemed like the millionth time. Garrus looked away, bored.

"James, not again..." Tali groaned.

"Something... purple."

"It's me. It's always me. You keep referring to me." Tali placed a palm to her visor.

"Incorrect!" He mimicked the sound of a buzzer. "It's the Major!"

Everyone held their breath as Kaidan turned to James.

"Excuse me?"

"Your bruises. The purple. You're..."

"How's that foot taste, Mr. Vega?" Steve deadpanned. Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "Just ignore him, Major. He's killed so many brain cells on his binge that he's probably not even wearing clean bragas."

"Hey!"

"Shut the hell up. Mr. Vega." Steve slapped James on the back of the head, which hit him like a crippling blow.

Before things could boil over, the Council showed up to much fanfare. Kaidan felt even more on edge seeing them. It reminded him of when he became a Spectre. He wasn't a fan of all the useless pomp and circumstance of it.

Once they were all face to face, the asari councilor began.

"Sorry to keep you all waiting..."

"We would've been here sooner but the galaxy needs to be rebuilt. You understand." Ah, the good old salarian Councilor. They had summoned the Normandy's crew and now he was basically saying it was their fault for keeping them from important matters. It was amazing how well he could condescend even now.

"You'll have to excuse him, facing the Reaper threat cut about a decade off his life." The turian Councilor side-eyed the salarian. "And salarians don't live that long."

"Maybe there's a reason for that..." James mumbled under his breath and Steve stomped on his foot. "Eh!"

"Actually, I wanted to make a request of you, Councilors." Kaidan began, swallowing any residual anger.

"There'll be time for that in a moment, we promise, Major." The turian nodded.

"We wanted to give you something..." The asari began motioning to some of her underlings. "As a token of gratitude and in recognition of all the service that the Normandy and its crew have done for this Council... in particular Commander Shepard..."

"Without whom, our asses would've been blown to hell like this ship." The turian Councilor was much better at getting to the point than the asari.

"...Yes. So, in honor of that, we'd like to give you this."

Two asari stepped forward with strips of blue metal in their hands. Kaidan and Liara stepped forward as acting leaders without Shepard there. One asari handed Liara the strip and her eyes widened when she realized what it was. She would have done anything to have slowed down time and push Kaidan away if she could. 

They were plaques, blue with white lettering and on the one read 'Adm David Anderson'...

And on the other...

Kaidan let the plaque fall from his hands as soon as he read it. The asari who'd given it to him politely picked it up and offered it to him again.

"I'm not taking that."

"Please, Major. It is the least we could do."

"...You're right. It is."

"Excuse me?"

"This IS the least you could do." Everyone held their breath at once. Kaidan was pulling a Shepard. Garrus was so proud. "This is... the sorriest excuse... of trying to honor a man who gave you EVERYTHING."

Garrus was so, so proud.

"Major, please understand..."

"What more would you have us do?"

"Your Commander is dead. Bury him and mourn as we mourn."

"You're calling this mourning? You never found a body. Not for either of them. Anderson... and Shepard... they could still be alive on the Citadel somewhere. They got there didn't they? The Reapers are dead, so they must've gotten there! And you're not looking for them? Let me guess though... Thessia's getting help. Palaven's getting help. You're scouring every downed building, every charred fortress... for your military leaders and your matriarchs and your... scientists and any records about the hidden Prothean artifact on Thessia or your... valued dalatrass leaders or the members of the Hierarchy that were displaced. You're scouring every smoldering crater but the man who saves the galaxy, you won't even try?"

"He's dead, Major. And forgive me for saying so, but there are PLENTY of our dead who will never be found or identified because of the Reaper forces."

"All due respect, Councilor..." Kaidan was infuriated and somehow recalling how Ashley noted that whenever someone said 'all due respect', they meant 'kiss my ass' and there was that tone. "The reason that Thessia fell, that Palaven was burned, that Earth was invaded... the reason that worlds fell and ships were destroyed by Reapers is partly YOUR fault."

"Excuse me?"

"Major, that... isn't fair."

"I'd say it's pretty damn fair, Councilor." Garrus smirked to himself.

"As would I." The turian Councilor agreed.

"How long have we known about the Reapers?" 

"Well..."

"We knew about them for sure when we learned about Saren and Sovereign. And I'll give you that we didn't know everything then. We didn't know that some of the geth weren't bad. We didn't know that Sovereign wasn't a flagship, it was a Reaper. But when we learned what they were and what we were dealing with... you should've done something about it."

"We acted on what we knew. We didn't have time to deal with a potential debacle because a fairy tale ended up being real."

Kaidan grabbed the salarian Councilor by the robes. 

"Why don't you tell your people that? When everything is up and running, stage a press conference that everyone on Earth, Palaven, Thessia, Tuchanka, Sur'Kesh, Karshan and Rannoch can hear. Tell them that everyone who died was because you didn't want to be laughed at. You have millions of casualties on your hands because you were busy being afraid of being laughed at."

"Unhand me, Major. We still control your Spectre status."

"Yeah? And how is it you're still alive? Because of Shepard and a bunch of ships who saved you. How many ships went down for you? You're probably the deadliest salarian to guard. We both know you owe Shepard your life as much as the entire galaxy. Shepard lived DESPITE the fact that you all continually doubt him and write him off. You said Soveregn was just a geth ship and Saren had worked the geth over. Which is after you told us to back off before we went to Ilos to save you all the first time, saving the Citadel and all of your asses on the Destiny Ascension. And THEN instead of giving us the support we needed this time, you tried to safeguard your own borders... WHICH, by the way, Shepard is the one who actually saved. Palaven's under attack? Shepard got the krogan to help out, curing the mess you all started, got the geth and quarians together who are helping you rebuild your supplies and communication. Thessia's in trouble? Shepard does his best to drive them out despite the fact that the asari aren't militarized properly because their strengths are trying to talk problems away and the only reason Thessia survived at all was because Shepard shut the Reapers down. You owe him. You owe him everything - your lives, your home planets, your colonies - EVERYTHING."

"And if you make a motion to revoke his Spectre status, I will vote against it." 

"What?"

"...That is neither here nor there. Major, what do you want us to do?"

"We need to get to the Citadel. We need people to look for him."

"Where on the Citadel do you think he would be?"

"The keepers are probably already repairing everything, right?" Garrus began.

"If Shepard were in any of the ordinary places, someone would have found him already."

"Are you sure? There's lots of people who need hospital treatment..." James murmured. "Isn't it possible he's lost in that tide?"

"It is a possibility but Shepard is famous. He's everywhere in the news, someone would recognize him."

"Nonetheless, we can have people look for him. I can arrange that once I find all my contacts." Liara made a note of it and Glyph was already preparing it.

"The keepers are probably sweeping everything under a rug. So... where would they keep a rug?"

"...The inner depths of the Citadel." The asari Councilor made a shocked face. "We've... never mapped it out before."

"Practically impossible to map. We've tried and keepers repair everything at lightning speed. They always get the holes we made filled before we got very far."

"Then we blast a hole in the wall and keep the keepers away." Kaidan spoke with authority.

"Interfering with the keepers is..."

"We don't have to kill them. We just have to keep them away."

"How?"

"...I have an idea. Though, it's..." Tali looked to Garrus, who seemed to catch on.

"Psychotic?"

"...Or, she is."

"Liara, do you-?"

"I'll pull in every resource I need."

"That's all very well and good but how will you get to the Citadel?"

"You don't have a ship you can spare?" Kaidan locked eyes with the Councilors again.

"...Many of our ships are providing disaster relief. I don't know when we'd be able to get you one to use."

"What about the Normandy?" EDI spoke the obvious.

"I'm sorry but we have some planets who were hit hardest by the Reapers. They need the fastest ship possible, and that's the Normandy."

It seemed as if EDI would frown at any moment, but she wasn't frowning yet.

"How about this big girl?" James spoke pointing down. 

"The Destiny Ascension?" 

"Why not?" Kaidan spoke up. "Doesn't the Destiny Ascension owe its existence to Shepard?"

"What the Major is trying to say is, 'Don't you all?' Correct, Major?" Liara was almost smirking. 

"We will... make the necessary preparations..."

"We will also not forget your attempts to strongarm the Council, Major."

"Oh, there was no attempt about it. Now get to it." 

Although Kaidan had turned surprisingly Renegade all of a sudden, Liara couldn't help but stare down at the plaque of Anderson and Shepard. She could only hope there was enough time.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a terrible updater. I apologize and give you a small update as I work on the big chapter.

The Citadel - Outside the Keeper Tunnels

"Everything about this seems like a bad idea." 

"We don't have a lot of choices. Tali?"

"Well, it's proving very... difficult to track but it's somewhere beyond this point." Tali spoke while fiddling with her omnitool. "But his omnitool is definitely reading beyond this point I just... can't get a good fix on it."

"What's the problem?" Garrus asked as he nervously looked around, holding his rifle at the ready just in case. They were still waiting for their reinforcements.

"The problem is that beyond this point it's unmapped. Once we make a big enough hole we could theoretically follow the signal but... the signal is faint, the keepers will swarm to repair the hole and so we need to move in, find Shepard, get back out and attempt not to get sealed in."

"Is that all?"

"Assuming we don't get caught in a comically oversized fan." Tali mumbled. "...And assuming I don't get set on fire in a vent."

"Tali, you're going to have to let that go."

"So... how do we blow up a part of the wall without alerting every person on the Citadel or blowing some kind of fuse or alarm... or both?" James made a face.

"The Council's granted us permission to do this though... I have to agree with James. If we cause an explosion, we'll put people into a panic."

"That's why I had Liara call in some favors." Kaidan crossed his arms. "They should be here soon."

After ten minutes or so, there were sounds of heels walking down the hallway.

"Sorry to keep you all waiting." A familiar accent. Miranda moved towards them with two other women.

"The cheerleader got us lost." Jack blurted out, moving ahead.

"Avoiding an asteroid belt is not getting lost." Miranda moved without batting an eye. "I decided that we shouldn't die en route."

"You call that an asteroid belt? Your ass is bigger than any of those asteroids were."

"Maybe you enjoy making craters on moons but I do not."

"We came as soon as we could." A softer voice said as she moved forward. "Do we know where the Commander is?" Samara ignored Miranda and Jack who were going to great lengths to ignore the other and show their superiority.

"Woah. She's..." James began but quickly caught himself. "Uh. Blue?" Liara gave him a look.

"We have an idea. We're just waiting on the muscle." Kaidan looked to Samara who nodded.

"You must be Major Alenko."

"Yeah. Shepard mentioned you. The Justicar who served with him and helped during the battle of the collector base."

"Bullshit, blue man. That was all me." Jack scoffed.

"Samara was there with us. We're not talking about who blew up what or whom, Jack."

"What kind of douche uses 'whom'?"

"So... who's our muscle?" Garrus tried to keep the two from killing each other.

"Krogan." Kaidan answered.

"Oh. Good. Krogan. That... couldn't possibly end badly."


	49. Chapter 49

The Citadel - Outside the Keeper Tunnels

 

"Tali, what are you doing?" Kaidan looked over to her.

"Getting into contact with the geth. I figured I could use their technical expertise to help pinpoint the signal. And... it makes me feel like Legion is here. In spirit. Metaphorically speaking."

"I am also assisting in this effort. I am attempting to track the Illusive Man. Preliminary data suggests he made it to the Citadel." EDI was calculating something in her distant gaze. "Reports suggest that while Cerberus cells are being taken down, he was... here. In person."

"In that case, it might be best if I come along." Miranda crossed her arms. "I know Cerberus protocols, procedures and channels. Far more than EDI. And I'm very handy in a fight."

"Aw, but then who would direct our noble protection squad, Miranda?" Garrus seemed to be smiling.

"Why not you, Garrus? You always were good at leading distraction teams."

"As long as the cheerleader isn't the one giving me orders, I'm fine with it." Jack made a mock smile.

"If I wanted to give you an order, I'd just tell you to do the opposite of what I wanted."

"Jack and I can hold the keepers back. But I do not know if we have the desired firepower."

"Samara and I will just have to take turns holding the barrier up and squishing keepers into slime."

"That shouldn't be necessary." Liara looked to them. "Garrus will be here. Javik too. And a few other friends."

The next three people to move down the hallway were loud by the sound of it. The sound of more delicate footsteps echoed with huge booming ones.

"So what mess has Shepard gotten his ass into this time?" The voice was deep.

"Wrex. You came."

"Liara. I was here on Council business anyway." He made a smile. "Now that the Reapers are gone, I like to kick them when they're down. Remind them of all the... noble sacrifices the krogan have made to keep Earth and Palaven from falling."

"I'm just here to smash things." Grunt seemed a bit bored.

The third member moved forward, she seemed equally bored.

"I have to say, I feel a bit... out of place among the heroes. But your messages sounded urgent and... Shepard and I are kindred spirits."

"...You brought Aria T'Loak?" Kaidan looked to Liara.

"She was here when the Citadel was captured. We needed muscle. And we have it." Liara felt a bit embarrassed under Kaidan's gaze. "...My father pointed me her way."

"Yeah, but won't your Justicar try and... execute her?"

"No." Samara's voice was steady. "I am here for Shepard's sake. Because of Shepard, my race endures, my child is still alive... and I am alive. I will not jeopardize the chance to repay this great debt in whatever way I am able."

"And I owe Shepard too. Because of him Omega is in my hands again, Cerberus was expelled and... Cerberus is no longer in any position to hurt anyone anymore." She smirked. "And if the Illusive Man were to be alive in those tunnels... Well, I might have to have... words with him."

"So what're we standing around here for? Let's get our asses in gear."

"It's not that simple, Wrex we need to make a hole."

"...You're joking, right? This is the great problem of the age? Just let your krogan wrecking balls do it."

"And if they take too long, I'll just have to rip the wall down myself." Aria's tone was deadly.

"You sure, space princess? Wouldn't want you to break a nail."

"You're not the first krogan I've outmatched." She gave him a look. "So do us a favor and once the wall's down... keep the others here from being dead. And I'll keep the search team from being dead."

"Whatever you want, princess."

"I'm no princess." Aria shot a biotic flare at the wall, denting it severely. "I'm a queen."

"Heh heh heh..." 

Grunt let a chuckle escape his lips before ramming the wall. Wrex followed. And as the krogan backed up Aria shot another flare. This continued for some time as they ripped through the metal.

"...Subtlety is not a krogan strength." Tali mused to herself as she readied her omnitool.

"Who needs subtlety when you can crush most anything you stir up?" Wrex looked to her. "When you finish getting out of your suits, you'll be surprised how brave you feel."

"When I have more than one pancreas, I will let you know how I feel." 

Aria moved forward.

"Move back." Everyone gave her a wide berth. The metal was dented and torn enough so that she could peel it back with her biotics, something the other biotics helped her with until there was a sizable hole. "Well, then, I assume the squads have been picked so we should go. I'm going to need a light."

Glyph began emitting a strong floodlight function and Aria nodded and moved forward.

"Be careful, Wrex."

"You too. Just find Shepard. The krogan need to know if we need to make an anthem about his endurance or come up with a funeral song."

"...Krogan singing. Sounds... lovely." Garrus deadpanned.

"Let's go people. We're wasting time." Aria tapped her foot impatiently. The sound of twitching and legs moving echoed throughout the tunnels.

"Looks like we've got company." Kaidan couldn't see the keepers. "Come on, everyone who's going into the tunnels needs to be in the tunnels now."

"I'll lead the way. Tali, EDI, stay close by you're the ones who are mapping and tracking." Miranda moved in. Liara followed and Kaidan moved in too.

"Nobody or nothing gets through." Jack's barrier went up.

"Not a soul." Samara's went up too. 

Javik readied his weapons. "This cycle talks too much."


	50. Chapter 50

The Citadel - Inside the Keeper Tunnels

 

"I hope they'll be okay out there..." Liara spoke as they moved forward. The inside of the tunnels were a mess of high walls, at times narrow passageways, piping that was either very cold or very hot, and darkness.

"They'll be fine. The keepers will likely rush them, but I don't know how powerful they actually are." Kaidan reassured her as they move.

"The keepers are capable of repairing things in a matter of hours. They're strong, fast and work in a group. You were right to leave many of your strongest out there." Aria moved ahead, her face set in stone.

"Won't they come after us too?" Tali was working on tracking Shepard's omnitool with hers. Miranda and EDI seemed to be working in tandem as well.

"It's entirely possible." Miranda looked to her.

"The keepers are generally peaceful. The Reapers bred them with extensive genetic modification to make them docile but meticulous and hardworking. But no one has actively interfered with their work before. It is unclear if they set the keepers to attack any intruders in their tunnels."

"So we expect resistance, keep our guns drawn and make sure everyone comes out of this alive." Aria's voice was firm in the matter.

"Exactly. And if anyone gives us trouble, we blast them." 

"James, I thought you would be volunteering to help guard the hole in the wall." 

"Nah, Sparks. Your group was lookin' a little... tech and biotics heavy. Needed to bring some muscle to the party."

"Some musclehead, more like."

"Ah, come on. You know I'm handy in a fight."

"Yes, I will be ducking behind you then."

"Liara, not that I'm not happy for the help but can we trust Aria T'Loak?" Kaidan glanced in her direction.

"I understand your reservations, Major. But Shepard and I have... a rapport. I don't think I would call it a friendship, perhaps. But we did business together, he helped me when I needed help and I honor my debts."

"Fine. Didn't mean to offend you."

"I will say though, I watched the vid of you taking the Council down a notch. I am pleasantly surprised."

"...Wait, you what?"

"I thought it was very brave of you to stand up to them. I don't know how many would. Given the circumstances, I suppose I understand but I underestimated the extent to which your... integrity would have allowed you to defy authority."

"...There was a vid?"

"Major, you can best believe that on the Destiny Ascension, I would have my sources." Aside from having the ability to lean on the asari councilor, it seemed as if Aria had her eyes on the Council from within. Although, it made sense. Asari lived for centuries. How many of them had been in mercenaries and answered to Aria before arriving at the Destiny Ascension?

"Fine. I get it. You want to help Shepard."

"Not just Shepard." Aria's tone altered a bit, seeming more sincere for a moment before it resettled. "I wanted to help you too."

"Me?"

"During our time retaking Omega, and ever since we met on Omega the first time, I thought Shepard and I were kindred spirits. My time at Purgatory has only reaffirmed it. We are strong individuals, with strong abilities, with strong allies and... a soft spot for people who have strong beliefs." 

"...Uh. Thank you?"

"You're someone who gets things done because your integrity isn't defined by anyone but yourself. I... respect that. Pray we never meet on opposite sides, but I do respect that. But more than that, I owe Shepard a debt and I owe someone else more than I wish I did. And if the Illusive Man is here, I'll look forward to having him under my heel... right before the light fades from his ridiculous eyes."

"You might have to get in line for that one." Miranda smirked.

"Wow. You're... kind of intense." James also smirked, but for a different reason.

"I suffer no fools and I get what I want."

"The signal is getting closer."

"Shit... do you all smell that?"

"I have my helmet's smell receptors off." Tali looked around. "Why?"

"This... smell was similar to the smell on Horizon and Thessia."

"...Sorry I asked."

"Decomposing flesh, most likely." Aria looked towards Liara. "And maybe some... burning flesh."

"Yes. I'm... familiar with it."

"Why would there be dead bodies in the tunnels?" Kaidan looked around to see if there was any real idea.

"Any number of reasons. The Reapers took the Citadel, who knows where all the dead went." Miranda remained unperturbed.

"Or maybe people hid in the keeper tunnels to escape Reaper forces and... didn't make it." Liara looked a bit ill, the smell bothering her.

"Or the keepers were helping them process us." Aria threw in a guess.

"Though I don't know if they're from the Citadel." Liara came to a realization.

"What do you you mean?" Tali gave her a look.

"These are... from the looks of it, all human. I would expect the other races to be here if they were from the Citadel."

"Makes sense." Aria crossed her arms. "Doesn't mean they didn't just take humans from the Citadel though."

"True. But it's possible that these humans are originally from Earth. Sent here to be processed."

"...They were making a human Reaper after all." Miranda nodded. And then she came to a very alarming realization. "...Oh my God. I didn't realize it until now but... when we were in the Collector Base, I remember all the pods on the ceiling."

"Yes. Gruesome." Tali shook her head. "Imagine how many they could have processed."

"Right but that's not what I mean... It just occurred to me but didn't the Collector ship look a bit like the Citadel somehow? I know that's really not important now and I might be wrong but... With the arms all in...? Didn't it...?"

"...Shit." Kaidan murmured.

"I have never seen evidence of it, but it could be that the Reapers were controlling the keepers to round up bodies, similar to the Collectors." EDI's voice echoed clearly. "It could be that the keepers also serve another function of processing those on the Citadel when the Reapers arrived in force. We have no way of knowing, though. Javik said that the Reapers took the Citadel before he was born and there is few lasting evidence of the other races."

"Then are the keepers actually... going to be a threat?" James looked to EDI.

"I do not have enough data to create a valid assessment. But the keepers have not attacked anyone in recorded history. It could be that this theoretical function no longer applies now that the Reapers are gone, similar to the geth reverting to full control of their faculties. This theoretical function was a hypothesis to explain the smell in the tunnels. I have no way of knowing the validity of it or its implications."

"That's why you keep your weapons up."

"Exactly. Miranda, how's the Illusive Man's signal?"

"EDI's following it. It's still active. Which hopefully means he's dead and never got a chance to shut it off."

"For his sake, he'd best be dead."

"We're coming towards an opening. I can see some light." Liara spoke as they moved to where the smell was getting worse.

"Shall I discontinue floodlight functions, Dr. T'Soni?" 

"...Not for right now, Glyph."

"Acknowledged."

They came to a small opening and found bodies in piles as they walked.

"Holy hell..."

"This reminds me of the bodies in the Collector ship." Miranda spoke with disdain.

"I'm mostly just glad no one is still alive to do this to anyone..." Liara kept her eyes towards the larger opening just up ahead.

"At least not for much longer." Aria scoffed.

"The Illusive Man's signal is just up ahead." EDI spoke quietly.

"Plan of attack?" James looked to Kaidan.

"Apprehension."

"I prefer dismemberment."

"...For now, let's see if he's even alive."

"I have identified blood." EDI's voice was loud and almost alarmed. "I have matched it to medical records of Shepard."

"The Illusive Man never did go down without screwing everyone over first." Miranda made a face.

"How bad is it, EDI?"

"A steady trail. He was bleeding, moderately to severely."

"Which means we need to hurry." Aria pushed by EDI. "If this place is anything like Omega, wounds get infected easily."

"More blood..."

"This sample is not Commander Shepard's. It is... Admiral David Anderson's."

They moved forward, careful of the bodies and the place seemed rather spacious.

"...Where... are we?" Tali was fairly certain that very few, quarian or otherwise, had ever made it this far into the depths of the Citadel.

The walls were moving and electricity whirling. As they got closer, there was more light and Glyph's light turned down until it was just the regular blue glow of the info drone.

"It looks like we're close." Miranda moved forward.

"Shepard's signal is also getting close. Did... Do you think the Illusive Man killed Shepard?" Tali looked to Kaidan.

"Shepard stopped the Reapers."

"Which means the Illusive Man either didn't or didn't get a chance to finish the job." Aria smiled at this. 

"I found him!" Miranda shouted and the others came towards her.

"Shepard?"

"...No."

The Illusive Man, partly Reaper-fied, and fully dead.

"Shot himself." Aria seemed unsatisfied. "Too merciful a way to go for him. It seems fate doesn't want me to kill things that should be killed."

"This... reminds me of Saren."

"Yeah. Looks like he really was indoctrinated." Kaidan mumbled. "I'm not one to speak ill of the dead... but I'm not sorry he's gone."

"Good riddance, I say."

"...Found Anderson." James spoke, somber. He didn't need to even check. His body was already starting to decompose.

"Goddess... he's dead."

"In that case, Shepard must be further on." Miranda grabbed the Illusive Man's omnitool. Any data on it would be of great help for the Alliance for the sake of rebuilding, finding still-existing cells and seizing Cerberus funds.

"She's right. We should keep going." Liara moved on ahead with EDI and Tali.

"Move where though? Where else... could he be?" Tali spoke softly to herself.

"Looks like a bloodless mission so far, Major."

"I wouldn't say that. We're walking through blood right now, Aria."

Aria nodded, closing her eyes. "Point taken."

"...Found a console. Not sure what it does." James spoke up and Tali moved towards it.

"Looks like the... controls to extend and detract the arms."

"...Nice view though." James looked out the window.

"...Probably a structural weakness." Tali mumbled to herself.

"How you doin' there, Sparks?"

"Fine. I am fine. I... dislike seeing rotting decaying bodies." Tali's tone was a little bit more frantic.

"I hear that."

"Shepard's blood trail ends at this spot. It does not continue. And some of the spatter does not make sense."

"What do you mean?"

"There's blood in the corner there. But only on the corner of this piece of metal and it doesn't continue onto that piece." Kaidan looked at it.

"...It looks like... there's a lift here." Liara looked at it.

"One moment. I will activate it." EDI bade the others to step on the lift.

"Glyph, when this is over, I want you to send our map to the Council and the Alliance... so that the bodies can be retrieved."

"Of course, Dr. T'Soni."

The lift was activated and the group found themselves moving upwards. It was a sad sight, leaving Anderson by himself below.

"Now where are we?" Aria looked around. There were only heaps of metal in every direction.

"Shepard's omnitool is... somewhere very close by!"

"This must be where he activated the catalyst. Glyph, scan everything for signs of life. Just in case there's someone else in here somewhere."

"At once."

"Tali, give us a direction to go in." Miranda looked to her.

"Uhh... the software from the geth says... this way, over here."

"This one?" James looked to it. It was a huge pile. "Ah, man... yeah, Shepard would get himself buried under a bunch of rubble."

"How do we dig him out?"

"...In archaeological digs, you move things gently."

"Yeah but... look at this thing. You can't... dig gently."

"Then it's a good thing I'm here after all. Major, assist me."

Aria moved forward and her biotics made her glow. Pieces of the metal floated through the air as she tossed them aside as gently as Aria could hope to be.

"We need to take things from the top. If you move something from the bottom, the top might collapse on him." Liara aided her, metal shards and beams and sheets all floating through the air, much more gentle than Aria could muster.

"Dr. T'Soni, I have detected no life in the other piles. Would you like me to concentrate on this one?"

"Do it."

Kaidan joined in and together they were moving large metal constructs off of the pile while the others waited anxiously.

"I have located Commander Shepard." Glyph's voice came in as it flew to Liara who nearly dropped a huge sheet of metal.

"Is he alive?"

"I did not check. He did not respond to vocal inquiries. Would you like me to check?"

"Yes!" 

"One moment."

One moment seemed like eternity as they cleared wreckage out of the way.

"Commander Shepard shows signs of dehydration, severe blood loss and facial bruising."

"Is he alive, Glyph?"

"The pulse is faint."

"But he's alive?" Kaidan looked to Glyph.

"He is with vital signs, yes."

Once a path was clear, they could all move forward a bit.

"Major." 

"He's breathing." Kaidan moved closer and checked on him.

"Damn, nothing kills him..." James was elated. "He's like a fucking cockroach."

"His wounds look serious. He needs immediate medical attention."

"Shepard..." Tali was doing her best not to cry in her suit.

"Shepard. Shepard, can you hear me?" Kaidan tried to get through to him. "John?" Kaidan held Shepard's hand. "Hold on..."

"We need to get him out of here. Clearing this all took up valuable time. The keepers will be swarming them."

"Is it even safe to move him?" Kaidan looked to Aria and to Liara.

"First aid suggest that it is the medical team that should come to him." EDI sounded like she was quoting a book. "Moving him risks spinal damage."

"We don't have that luxury. He needs water and his wounds are probably infected."

"We need to move him. He's in critical condition."

"But we can minimize the damage if we make a stretcher." Tali had an idea on the fly. "We put Shepard on a flat piece of metal and then you... use biotics to float him and keep him steady."

"Would that even work?"

"Of course it'll work." Aria took a deep breath. "Shepard always survives things that seem crazy. The only difference is we're the ones doing the heavy lifting of the crazy."

"EDI, get me a strong, flat, sturdy piece of metal."

"Right away."

"Just hold on, John..." Kaidan patted his hand. "That's an order."


	51. Chapter 51

The Citadel - Outside the Keeper Tunnels

 

"God damn I hate these things!" Jack launched keepers into the air one right after the other.

"I've never actually fought a keeper before." Wrex slammed a keeper into the wall. "Today is a day of new beginnings!"

"Just be careful not to block my shots, Wrex." Garrus sniped more keepers as they crawled in. "You do make a big target."

"Yeah, I'd be careful if you could actually hit the broad side of a krogan."

"They're all broad, Wrex. Especially you."

"Too much talking, not enough squishing!" Grunt flattened keeper after keeper.

"I agree!" Javik was slamming keepers right and left.

"Never thought a keeper could be so nasty." Garrus reloaded. "Just goes to show what Reapers can do if they have genetic modification and a space station to themselves. I wonder which one of the downed Reapers was the keeper Reaper. Maybe Harbinger."

"Aw, man. Wave's over. Time to switch out." Jack moved towards Samara who was holding the barrier up and extended her own barrier. Samara let hers fall and readied herself.

"Keepers moving in from behind. Grunt, Samara, keep them from making a pincer."

"These keepers remind me of the rachni. Dead and squishy." Grunt barreled backwards knocking a large group away.

"The keepers were made for one purpose. One purpose that they are attempting to fulfill. I find their determination and unwavering spirit somehow comforting. They will face death a thousand times to accomplish their mission." Samara sent keepers gliding through the air slowly.

"Getting a little weepy, Justicar?" Jack looked to her.

"Perhaps. However misguided and mindless, I can appreciate their measures."

"I'd prefer they'd take their measures somewhere else."

"Seriously, wave after wave... granted, there were more Collectors than this."

"By far." Grunt agreed.

"In multitudes." Samara nodded.

"I miss out on all the fun." Wrex grumbled.

"There were tiny paralyzing evil things and a human Reaper. It wasn't fun." Jack rolled her eyes.

"A human Reaper ...You had to rub it in."

"Is your cycle always so slow? They should have been back by now." Javik took more shots at the keepers that launched themselves towards the opening they'd made.

"Javik just be patient, the world is at peace. The Reapers are gone."

"And yet we continue fighting."

"Yeah... Well, we also don't know how deep the keeper tunnels go into the Citadel. Plus when they find Shepard they'll probably have a hell of a time getting him out."

"Assuming the keepers aren't targeting them as well."

"Yeah. That's a cheery thought."

"Samara, wave's over. Tag me in."

Jack and Samara changed places.

"This must be old hat for you two by now." Garrus smirked.

"Well, the keepers don't get that close if you all do your job." Jack scoffed. "It was way worse with the little bugs."

"Yes. They were unrelenting. Like multiple needles jabbing at your mind. All at once."

"The important thing is that we don't have to do that ever again."

"I hope so. Cuz, damn, that place pissed me off. Run this way, run that way, don't get shot at while you're holding the bubble that keeps everyone alive."

"Our work is never done." Samara spoke in an almost ethereal tone.

"I hear something. Coming up from behind." Grunt was elated and almost bouncing.

"Alright. Time for target practice."

"Just choose your shots. Only so much ammo to go around." They could hear gunshots coming from the tunnel. "Guys, I said conserve your ammo."

"That's not us."

More shots rang out and Jack and Grunt readied themselves as the shots got closer.

A combat drone moved out of the dark and Grunt immediately slammed it with an concussive shot.

"You hit my drone!" The voice came from the tunnels, Tali's voice.

"Oh. It's just you."

"You hit my drone and that's all you have to say?!"

"It wasn't a very good fighter."

"It's not supposed to be. You put the combat drone in and it blows up once you destroy it."

"It blew up? Was that why it tingled?"

"Move aside, we need medical attention now!" Miranda moved forward leading their impromptu stretcher.

"Hey, look, an enemy! Can I shoot her?" Jack chuckled shooting a keeper.

"Not now, Jack, we have work to do."

"Gooooo team!" Jack shouted mockingly at Miranda who ignored her.

"We need suppressing fire, clear a path!" Garrus shouted and they all began to move to make room for the stretcher to pass.

Samara dropped the barrier now that the stretcher was through, stealing a glance at the injured Shepard as Aria, Kaidan and Liara held it steady with their biotics. James was covering them from behind, shooting any keepers that came near them.

It required some doing to work a way around the keepers while allowing them to pass to the hole, but they were able to manage. The keepers ceased their aggression once they had reached the hole and began swarming it. They moved away from them as fast as possible; they weren't attacking them anymore but they didn't need them to attempt anything.

"Let's get him up a bit and call for the medics." Garrus instructed as they moved farther away from the keepers and towards the wards.

"Are they following us?" Jack looked back.

"It appears that they are not." Samara responded.

"Good. Didn't want them trying to patch a hole with Shepard's stretcher there."

"Honestly, aren't the medical technicians here yet?" Aria grumbled. "You know what, I can have him brought to Huerta Memorial faster than these idiots get him there." She moved and got on her communicator. "This is Aria. I need immediate pick-up and transportation to the hospital... No, not me, you idiot don't insult me. Get your asses to my position, yesterday. If he dies, you die. Consider that your incentive."

"...Was that... really necessary?" Tali looked to her.

"Of course it was."

"If you hadn't done it, I would've." Kaidan nodded.

"You need to play rough when you need things done."

"Aria again, I thought I said yesterday. If you're done having a leisurely stroll, I suggest you start running or I'll give you good reason."

"He is still breathing. There is a chance."

"Shepard, you'd better not die, you hear me?" Miranda looked down at him. "I put you back together and if you think you're going to just die in spite of all the good work I did, I will not forgive you!"

Nearly an entire battalion of krogan and asari arrived at Aria's command.

"There you are. You are trying my patience. Take him to Huerta Memorial. Go. Now! If anyone gives you trouble, tell them Aria sent you and tell them to take it up with the asari councilor." They carted him off as fast as they could and moved towards a skycar to rush him there.

"I'm going too." Kaidan looked to Aria.

"You really think they'll let you see him?" She took a strong stance.

"What you pulled was... impressive, but you'll just end up waiting there. For hours. Maybe days."

"That doesn't matter." Kaidan narrowed his gaze.

"I see. Fine. Have it your way. If anyone gives them trouble you can just flash your fancy Spectre status. Go on."

"Go ahead, Kaidan. We'll be right behind you." Liara nodded.

"And when he wakes up, tell him a certain turian is going to have to teach him how to keep his guard up."


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for your feels in advance. I'm just saying.

The Citadel - Huerta Memorial Hospital

 

"Welcome to Huerta Memorial." The feminine voice in the elevator spoke to him as he exited the elevator. He moved past the crowd of people and patients as they waited around newscast televisions of the Galactic News in the waiting room.

"This is Diana Allers, and I'm joined by new powerhouse reporter Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani. Thank you for being here."

"Thank you for having me."

"After the death of Emily Wong in Los Angeles and after the defeat of the scourge of the galaxy - the Reapers - the galaxy has begun to dust itself off. How do you think it's going?"

"I think it's going well. The galactic media is trying to squeeze as much... hope and happiness out of it as they can."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... efforts are focused now primarily on reconstruction - as it should be - with major cities on Palaven, Earth, Thessia and other worlds hit rebuilding."

"Your tone sounds... pessimistic."

"No. Not at all. I'm trying to keep the tone realistic. The upbeat attitude is one of celebration but for every group of people celebrating and cheering, you can easily turn the corner and find a mass of people crying."

"So you're saying the mood is false?"

"No. I'm saying that the media tends to be focusing on the happier notes rather than the sad ones. I suppose that's human - er, sentient being behavior. But when we look back at Thessia and Palaven and Earth and even Kar'shan, the batarian homeworld who suffered catastrophic losses and irreparable damage, we find it... sobering. I think what I'm trying to say is that the reason that there is reconstruction is that things were broken."

"I see. And what do you think of it?"

"I think... it's good to keep in mind what we've gained. We have our lives and our freedom and the chance for happiness. I don't think people truly understand the concept. We've always had our lives and most of us, myself included, have never felt our lives in danger to such an extent. Sure, I've been physically assaulted during interviews, but never once did I think I was going to die - not really, if only for the camera being rolling. But when Cerberus tried to take the Citadel and when the Reapers actually did, I was afraid. Terrified. Looking back, there are things I would've done differently. There are people I would've... treated with more respect. And knowing that so many of them will never get to hear my apology... is humbling and saddening."

"I think we've all had a chance for reflection."

"Yes. Everyone when they're in a group is... smiling. 'We lived!' they'll shout to each other and hug each other but when they're alone, they can't help but think of all the friends and loved ones that they've lost. It's monstrous to think that even people you don't really know, just walking down the street, people that you saw before but never knew... could be dead or hurt somewhere and you might never know."

"And what do you think of reconstruction?"

"I think it's bringing out the best and the worst in people. By the worst I mean, they're still arguing over who got hit worse and who should give more. The asari are desperately seeking help to comb over Thessia and Illium for their dead and to help rebuild. The asari, turians and salarians are focusing more on themselves while the batarians and the humans all want help for themselves too. I used to think it was human nature, but it's not exclusively human. Others are... mistrustful knowing that the krogan, rachni, the quarians and the geth are all back in the galaxy and major players now. But it does bring hope. The krogan are helping turian worlds and Palaven. They're assisting on Irune and Dekuuna. Now that the genophage is cured people are afraid of what they'll do and what might happen. The volus are lobbying for councilors because they're the ones stabilizing the economy as best they can. The rachni are helping rebuild communication along with the quarians and the geth. The geth are probably the biggest wildcard and the biggest light. They can go into dangerous territory and poisonous atmospheres or areas with no gravity or oxygen and help rebuild. And the Migrant Fleet is transporting goods and medical supplies all over. There's talk about reopening the quarian embassy and the batarian embassy. I think... there are major changes headed our way and those tend to excite people and frighten them."

"Very well said. Now, I have to ask, who do you think the heroes are in this war?"

"Heroes? Obviously it's the men, women and... whatever the geth and rachni would like to be called - they're the heroes of this war. We can chalk it up to individuals if we want. Obviously Admiral Hackett who presided over the largest human defeat in history and the largest galactic win that any galactic cycle has ever seen. And the krogan who helped the turians, not to mention the clan leaders of Tuchanka like Urdnot Wrex who are guiding the krogan to a peaceful future. We also have the Admiralty Board of the quarian Migrant Fleet who are invaluable at this time. We also have history's lesser known heroes like the Shadow Broker who was instrumental in bringing people together for the Crucible or the ex-Cerberus rebels who are helping us take down these terrorist cells. We have the heroes we'll never know and the heroes we can never thank like the regular people who gave their lives for others who are innumerable and, sadly, unknowable. The late Admiral David Edward Anderson, who guided all of this towards a conclusive and decisive victory."

"Miss Al-Jilani, I think you know where I want to direct us now..."

"Hah... I think so. And our heroes of the Normandy Crew. The ones who brokered peace between rival nations and races, who helped when no one else was able. We have... a lot to be grateful for. The men and women of its crew as well as the ones on the front lines all performed admirably. I've interviewed nearly every single one and whenever I asked them about going 'above and beyond the call of duty', they'd all look at me with... an expression that translated across gender and race... it was... 'What else was I supposed to do?' and it was the most powerful thing I've ever felt."

"And we all know who the leader of this crew is. He's so famous now, they're even thinking of doing documentaries on him."

The crowd was all ears now.

"That's right. He's the hero of the Citadel and Earth, not to mention every planet that was hit by the Reapers. The first human Spectre, Commander John Shepard!"

The crowd let out a deafening cheer.

"As you all know, I had the pleasure of serving on the Normandy bringing you information live from the Battle Space. And while I'm sure he wanted to kick me off more than once..." the audience laughed. "...He never did. And after saving the Citadel and Earth, he's resting up in the hospital."

"My sources say he's still in critical condition and he's not out of the woods yet, so to speak, the past and present crews of the Normandy seem to think he'll fight through it."

"Any chance we could find out where he's being treated?"

"I'm not at liberty to say. Anyone who discloses that information would probably face some dire repercussions."

"And what a shame that is. I'm sure we'd all like to thank him."

"True, but the less we know, the less bouquets of flowers and gifts crowd his hospital room."

 

Kaidan moved past the crowd and in towards the more private reaches of the hospital where it looked like armed asari and krogan were keeping watch. It was hard to tell if they were Wrex's troops or Aria's.

As Kaidan cleared checkpoint after checkpoint he could hear voices coming from up ahead.

"Come on, people. I rebuilt this man from virtually nothing. I want his vitals stabilized and I want him awake." Miranda was barking orders at technicians, most of them hospital staff but a good few were people who'd worked on the Crucible. "The man saved your lives and mine; he deserves to be able to get up and enjoy the worlds he's saved."

"Busy as usual?"

"Kaidan." Miranda looked at him. "Busy as usual. Wish I had Mordin here, actually. Or someone who could summon his spirit. If he were here, Shepard would be doing somersaults in the hallways by now."

"Do you need anything?"

"Not right now. Liara's been sending me supplies as I need them. And funds. Anything I'm lacking, Aria is supplying. And with Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel here, I swear to you he'll be up again in no time."

"...Thanks. Are Jacob and Grunt doing okay?"

Miranda put her hand to her face. "It's like dealing with children. Grunt is here to keep any loonies from breaking in. And Jacob's here to keep Grunt from breaking every non-broken bone in Shepard's body. It's just... they're..."

"Are they not getting along?"

Miranda bade him to follow behind her. "Worse. They've bonded."

"Krogan airdrop!"

Miranda and Kaidan could hear Grunt yelling from the hallway and she sighed audibly. 

As they moved into the antechamber, they could see a group of what appeared to be armed guards and scientists watching as Grunt leisurely rolled through the air, surrounded by blue. Jacob was using his biotics to spin and lift Grunt all around.

"Come on baby krogan, show us your moves!" Jacob cried out. "You're a little krogan short and stout... well, not so much short but pretty stout."

"I want to fight an enemy like this. Squish an enemy in zero gravity."

"Or you could just do Krogans on Ice."

"Are the two of you mental?" Miranda fumed at them and Jacob immediately let go of Grunt who crashed into the floor. The mercs and scientists rushed back to their posts.

"I realize that you - (pointing to Grunt) - never had a father and you - (pointing to Jacob) - are going to be a father but could you please not make so much noise?"

"Relax, Miranda. We're just putting on a show for when Shepard wakes up."

"It was too quiet. Shepard wouldn't like that. If Shepard were awake he would want to see a krogan cannonball."

"...Men." Miranda rolled her eyes. "Get back to work..." Miranda's voice went quieter. "Shepard has a visitor."

 

Kaidan walked into the room where Shepard was being looked after. He still had a few tubes sticking out of his arm but he was still breathing and had brain function. A bunch of broken ribs, a few fractures on his shoulders, blood loss, dehydration and maybe a collapsed organ, revived, and there he was just sleeping. 

"Hey, John. So... I'm here. Yeah. You know that. You know, you... look better. You... actually look less like a patient. And more like an ugly guy trying to get some sleep. Haha... Sorry. Garrus told me to tell you that one."

Kaidan sat down.

"I'm sorry you couldn't have been there for Anderson's memorial service... I know I told you about his funeral. But it was... really nice. I felt bad for Kahlee Sanders. I think she really loved him. Don't feel bad about missing it. Anderson wouldn't want you to. He'd probably say you deserved a nap. Forever. Well. No. Not forever. Sorry. Uhh..."

Kaidan put his hand to his chin.

"Let's see... Oh. Repairs on your... our... apartment are done. I mean, the damage was pretty minimal. The windows all had to be replaced. Most of the damage was in the kitchen. Uh... so about that. Apparently, a few husks made it to your apartment but... they're dead. So... wait, let me just ask, why was the coffeepot and the refrigerator rigged to explode? Because that's... what kept the Reaper forces out before you shut them all down. I mean, Garrus was pretty happy. Except that the explosion caused a surge that knocked out the power so you couldn't open the door. If we'd actually been in there, we'd have been trapped in a burning apartment. So, when you get out, could we... not... invite Garrus over again? Because now that the place is fixed up I'm gonna stay there... at least til you're up. I couldn't stand living in the hotel or the barracks... driving me nuts. At least the apartment still smells like you. Oh. And the... contractor... Well, I told him I didn't have the money on hand since it's your money, so I kind of had to fake it. I told them that there wouldn't be any place to repair if it weren't for you. But once they found out Garrus had booby trapped the jacuzzi, they needed to get Garrus in and make him remember what he'd done so they could undo the rest of it. So. That.. I gave them a down payment out of pocket but between actual repairs and... hazard pay, I need you to pay them when you're out. With interest, probably. I mean, that's the nice thing to do. Right? Garrus said he'd chip in and get us a new refrigerator and coffeepot. Can we... refuse?"

He smiled slightly despite himself.

"...I got news back from Earth. Uh... Well. Mom's alive. She's fine. She's back in Vancouver. They're all rebuilding. The house wasn't too badly damaged. Mostly husk-related property damage, no big deal. No one was in the house so..." Kaidan took a deep breath. "Dad... didn't make it. He was one of the resistance fighters in Montreal. He got his ass to Montreal, can you believe it? I don't know how he did it. Maybe he took a car or something or trekked the Canadian wilderness but... damn if he wasn't always a hardass. But how do you do that? They identified him by his dental records. He died a little bit before we made it to London. I didn't even know there was a funeral but I was on the Destiny Ascension at the time. Nothing we could've done. Communications were out still."

Kaidan felt the tears start to sting his eyes.

"...I heard you died again last week. They said your heart stopped for a minute. Miranda brought you back again. That's three times now. And it scares the shit out of me, so could you please not do that again? Really though... Every time I think you might die I just lose it. But you're kind of stable now, they said. They say you're almost out of the woods. I really hate that expression. I mean, Dad... made it out of the woods only to get killed in Montreal. So you better live."

Tears began to fall and he couldn't stop them.

"You ass... How could you fucking die three times? ...Four. Total. But I can't stop thinking about how they told me you'd died on the Normandy when it blew up. And then you came back. And now you keep dying. You... need to stop it. It's not fair anymore. I didn't ask for this, you know. I know that people die but you're... not allowed when you're right here and I have you. Seriously, it's like tripping over the finish line, you know? And every time I feel a new patch of gray hair coming in. So you better get your fucking ass out of that bed, you little shit. And when you're better, I'm going to kick your ass. You fucking... left me on Earth and told me to go and then you go and save everyone and you can't even save yourself? You're no hero. You're an idiot. You're... a fucking idiot. And if you pull this shit again, I'll fucking... ream you."

He coughed and dried his eyes.

"...I'm sorry. It's been a... long day. EDI says hi by the way. She says she's monitoring your progress. Don't know how, but you know AIs. James keeps asking about you. Something about kicking death in the cojones. He didn't actually say that. But it feels like something he'd say. Oh. By the way, you're even more famous. And you've probably got some backpay coming. And Bailey keeps wanting to see you. I keep turning him away until you feel better but... I feel a bit like an asshole every time I do it. Tali's off again. She has Admiral things to do. Liara's writing a book now. With Javik. About Protheans obviously. Joker said the book should be called 'Protheans: History's Most Glorified Assholes'. You know, aside from you. Jack and Samara were in earlier. Jack came in before Anderson's memorial and left with Kahlee Sanders. She's off to help find a way to rebuild Grissom Academy. Samara said she'd come and see you when you were getting better but she's making it her mission to take down people taking advantage of the refugees. And Wrex said he got a lot of women pregnant. I don't... know why he wanted me to tell you that but, there it is."

He paused, thinking.

"Who else... Traynor's still on the Normandy. So is Cortez. I think Traynor is trying to coordinate support for Horizon and Cortez is doing the same for Ferris Fields. Oh! You missed it. I think Donnelly is thinking of asking Gabby to marry him. I don't know. He was asking Jacob how he'd do it. Uhh... oh right. They might be coming to bother you when you wake up. Don't ask, it's a long story. Garrus said he's going to be on the Citadel for a while, trying to help refugees find places to go permanently. His dad and sister got here. He also said you should get your ass out of bed before he has to head back to Palaven. By the way, Kasumi snuck in. She left you some flowers. Miranda was so pissed, I have never seen Grunt so afraid."

He smiled.

"They're making a series about us, you know. About the Normandy. I don't know the specifics but they're trying to make it our big story stopping Saren until... well, the Reapers I think. Uhh... they... want to do something... about us. Too. Involved with that. They said they wanted to include our... romantic relationship. And that we might be a spin-off series. They might be making some changes to make it all work out though. Like that we were sleeping together before Saren. Yeah, I don't really know. It's... Well, it's weird. But they said that Blasto might make a guest appearance or two. They want to talk about it after you get up. I think they're prepared to beg."

He took a deep breath.

"...You'd better get out of that bed. I'm doing okay but... there's nothing there holding me together. I mean, yeah, I want to see my mom back in Vancouver but... I can't right now. I need to be here for you. No. I... need to be there for her. What I'm saying is... I... might be going back to Vancouver soon. I want to be there for you but I trust that Miranda can put you all back together. I just... I need something. Shit, I don't know what I'm saying. I love you. I do. I... hate seeing you in this bed. And I know my mom is... really alone right now. But I know I need to be here for you. If you... don't make it... I'll never be able to forgive myself for not being here for you. But... shit. Please... just get better soon. I know I can't rush you, but it'd... make things easier. You're strong, Shepard. John. But... I'm needed in Vancouver. With her. If you were awake you'd probably yell at me and tell me to get going. I just... wanted to..."

He paused again.

"I kept imagining some big cinematic moment where I'd hold your hand and tell you what an asshole you were and you'd wake up and laugh at me. But... that doesn't happen really. I... She needs me. A lot more than you do. I can't make you any better and if I could, I would. But Miranda can. Her and her friends and... our friends... they can fix you up. I can only talk at you and hope you hear me. But my mom... she... Mom needs to know I'm safe. And so... I wanted to say goodbye really. Not forever. Don't freak out. I still love you and I want to be with you.. for... well, ideally, forever. But she needs me now. And I need to say goodbye to my dad and... so, I think I'm going to stay at the apartment until I make some plans to get off the Citadel and back to Vancouver. If I'm feeling ballsy or there's no one else to do it, I'll yell at the Council, maybe hold them hostage again and make them bring me in the Destiny Ascension. I just didn't... want you to miss me."

He stood up and held John's hand.

"I know we'll see each other again and so it's not really goodbye. It's just... until we see each other again. I'm giving all the info to EDI and Miranda when I get it all together. When you wake up, they'll tell you all about it and you can come and visit us when you're ready. And we can message each other when you're up to it. Hey, Shepard... I've... got to go. It's getting late and I still have a lot to get done. Liara's a bit help though. I think if I coordinate with her I can be in Vancouver soon. I love you. Ah... shit... I want to kiss you but I have this stupid fear like I'm going to cut off your air supply. Uh..."

Kaidan leaned in and gave John a kiss on the forehead.

"I'll see you soon, John. And when we do, I'll have a better kiss to give you. Thanks. No. Wait. Shit. You don't say thanks... I... love you. You know that, I know. But. I love you. More than you know, I love you."


	53. The Men in Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm about a year late with this update but... here we go with the final chapter! Thank you to everyone who sent such nice messages to me over my impromptu hiatus!

"..."

"Don't say it."

"Oh, I'm not saying anything."

"You're thinking it."

"Oh, I am definitely thinking it." Jacob looked to him. "You know Miranda brought you back to life twice now, and I think she might kill you and resurrect you just for fun."

Shepard laughed, and that hurt. "Well, I couldn't stay cooped up in the hospital forever. I have places I need to be. And you were one of the Corsairs weren't you?"

"Yeah, but this is different from a regular stealth op. And you shouldn't even be out of bed yet." He sighed.

It had been almost a year since Shepard had been in a coma. He had improved by leaps and bounds, and Miranda was certain that his previous cybernetic implants by Cerberus were the only reason he'd survived at all. When Shepard woke up - only about a week ago - she'd joked that he was about ten percent more cyborg than before. 

Shepard had wanted to see Kaidan immediately. Kaidan had come to visit him plenty, but he was also needed in Vancouver back on Earth. According to Miranda, Shepard still wasn't in good enough shape to be seeing visitors. But Shepard was able to coax Jacob into allowing him access to an omnitool long enough to get off a few messages to Kaidan, although nothing in great detail. 

The Citadel was still cleaning up, though it was definitely better than the last time they had been there. The geth - previously alienated from the entire galaxy - were instrumental in getting all of the vital systems of the Citadel back on track. With the help of Admiral Tali Zorah vas Normandy and Wrex, the geth, quarian, and krogan now had active embassies on the Citadel. There were whispers of adding more members to the Council, and maybe even krogan Spectres.

"I still don't even know how you managed this."

"Well..." John thought about it. "It's a very long story."

"Liara or Aria?" He laughed.

"Aria. And some help from EDI. Liara did help pick it out though."

"That reminds me. You've got mail." Jacob chuckled and clicked a button on the console.

An image display showed up.

The first was a grainy video that looked to be the cockpit of the Normandy. Joker turned around wearing the goofiest of party hats on his head, over his other hat. Next to him was EDI, whose purple cone party hat continued to slowly slip off her metallic head.

"Hey, Commander! Heard about Operation Jailbreak! Congratulations, though I'm kinda mad you didn't ask us to drive your space limo."

"Jeff, the Normandy is too obvious. If surprise is the goal, then Shepard had to pick a different vessel." Joker was mocking her as she spoke, his hand making a mouth that yapped on and on. "Also, please do not injure your wrist as that will be your only way to achieve carnal pleasure when you sleep on the couch tonight."

"Wha-?"

"That is a joke. Mostly." The party hat had now slipped off her head and had become a necklace. She tried to adjust the hat, but it seemed determined to slip off her head.

"A-Anyway. We're so bummed we didn't get to give you a proper send off but... we do have a surprise for you!"

The camera - or whatever recording device it was - zoomed out of the cockpit and in towards the galaxy control area. A large banner in colorful purple and blue letters read - CONGRATS ON NOT DYING AGAIN!! The image then settled on the crew of the Normandy, Cortez, Traynor, Dr. Chakwas, Engineer Adams, Gabby and Ken, and everyone else all waiting there awkwardly.

The image began to zoom in and out randomly.

"Jeff, it is the blue button."

"Thanks, Mom. I think I know how to work the-" The image suddenly zoomed out enough so that everyone was in proper focus. "Okay, guys. Let the Commander hear it!"

All at once the cabin erupted into thunderous cheering and well wishing. Periodically, the image would switch to Joker and EDI, Joker making all kinds of weird faces and cheering, EDI politely waving as the party hat slipped from her head.

"Next message." The voice, which sounded a lot like Glyph spoke.

"Shepard." Liara took a deep breath as the image settled. "I heard about your daring breakout. Normally, I'd be a little insulted you didn't ask me but... I guess I can forgive you, seeing as you saved the world. Don't worry. I'm making sure nothing gets to Kaidan... which seems devious, even for the Shadow Broker, but I imagine you would want some privacy. I'm sure he'll love it."

The image scanned over. Javik was standing there. Grumpy. Or just Javik, who knows.

"Javik, do you have anything you want to say?"

"No."

"...Really, Javik."

"The Commander has cheated death and eliminated the Reapers. He has my appreciation and gratitude. He may now woo the other primitive with the sad soul and the hair. It is only a shame that with two males his genetic material cannot be passed on during-"

"Oh, you know..." Liara cut in abruptly. "Javik and I actually have some more interviews to do. I'm writing a book, you know. Javik's going to illuminate the mysteries of the Protheans. You know, if you'd told my past self that I think I would have fainted. I'll let you go for now. But when I write the book about the intrepid Commander Shepard, I expect the insider scoop."

"Next message."

"Oh. My. Fucking. God." Jack was howling. "You did not fucking break out of fucking hospital-jail. Oh my God. I wish I could have seen the cheerleader's face. I bet she shit. Wouldn't you shit? I would shit. Ah... Anyway. My kids are getting medals for their work during the Reaper thing. I know, right? Even Rodriguez. Well, they deserve it. Even Rodriguez. I'd thank you, but really nothing can compare with the cheerleader calling me up asking me if I'd seen you. Fucking priceless..."

"Next message."

"Shepard!" A loud Grunt-like shout boomed loudly from the display. "What the... is thing on...?" A couple of intense slamming sounds, the display image turned into a spiderweb as someone had broken the lens. It cut out immediately after.

"Next message."

"Hey, Shepard. Well. This is awkward. You couldn't just be happy for me, could you. I get blasted in the face and get a huge scar and then you have to go and nearly die to copy me..." Garrus chuckled into the video, which was slightly out of focus. "I would say thanks for saving the universe but we both know you owe so much to me so it's not even worth mentioning, right? Listen... don't freak out or anything but... there's been some rumblings in the turian hierarchy and some people seem to think that I'm going to get boosted even higher up... like maybe after Primarch Victus... Well, could you do me a tiny favor and talk to the Council about making me a Spectre before everyone starts trying to call me Primarch Vakarian? That'd be great... Tali says hi. Or. She would except... They came out with a soap opera about you. Kaidan's involved. He must have signed off on it. Or. He gets royalties. I don't know. Tali won't miss it... Apparently, you're a blockbuster. Don't worry, you're handsome in this. Not as handsome as the dashing young turian they cast as me, but as usual you keep trying to upstage me. Um. They're talking about turning it into a musical. Tali's going to learn all the words. I'm so sorry. P.S. I'm getting you a refrigerator and a coffeepot for the... thing. I have to go, Garrus is doing a monologue and I can't miss this."

"Next message."

The sound of nightclub music pounding and bright reddish light pouring in through the display.

"Shepard. I hear through the grapevine that you're still alive and that you managed to make it out of your holdings. I expected as much. You really aren't as subtle as you think. Luckily, your... boyfriend is oblivious. I must say, he surprised me the way he took charge of everything, but then... you do have a way with bringing out the paragon in everyone, don't you. So what am I doing calling you and how did I figure this out all the way from Omega? Well, as you can see... Omega is back. I had to do some... redecorating, arrange the piles of filth the way I like it, but things are starting to settle down again. And I owe that to you. I saved your life, so I owe you nothing, in case you don't remember. However. I'm in an uncharacteristically generous mood. So not only am I not going to tell the boytoy with the cute ass about your daring escape... but once you're feeling better, come by Omega. Drinks are on me. I'll even have the girls dance for you... or have them teach your man how to work the pole. Or did you already teach him that...?" Aria's face gave a lascivious grin before she flipped off the display.

"..."

"No new messages, Commander."

"Does EVERYONE know by now?"

"...Kaidan doesn't. Probably." Jacob snickered. "You thought you could keep it a secret from the Shadow Broker, an unshackled AI, or Aria?"

"No, but I figured we'd have more time. It's only been a few days since we left the Citadel."

"We'll make it to Earth in no time. And if you really want something to pass the time... Wrex sent you some family photos. Of his kids. I don't know what's scarier, the fact that Wrex is a dad or that he's scrapbooking."

\- - -

Winter in Vancouver.

Kaidan looked out into the wilderness as the snow fell harder than before. It was hard to imagine there would still be some unchecked wilderness on the planet. The image of evergreen trees and snow falling made him think of the old movies before the flying cars. He could see his breath.

Helping his mother manage the repairs and the orchard had been something he felt obligated to do. Now that repairs were complete, things were getting much easier along English Bay. Even though it felt like he was making progress, there were still some places that hadn't really recovered yet. As the rebuilding continued, Kaidan had almost gotten used to the statues of Shepard that showed up from time to time. Vancouver and London had some impressive statues of Shepard and Anderson.

In a way, it reminded him of the krogan statue at the Presidium.

"I hope he's doing okay..."

He'd been restless ever since he heard that Shepard had woken up and was coherent. Maybe he'd be able to have visitors soon. He would call Miranda later, if the snowstorm wasn't too intense.

The unmistakable sound of a shuttle car shooting by overhead jolted him out of his current thoughts. When it flew by it zoomed so fast it disrupted the snowfall and made everything snow sideways for a moment. The trees bent forward and then back in a slingshot, shaking off snow as it roared overhead. And now the shuttle was landing, the exhaust melting the snow, revealing green and brown underneath.

"Kaidan?" Mrs. Alenko rushed outside hearing the news. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, Mom, it's..."

When the shuttle powered down and landed, there were some clicks and mechanical whirring before the door opened up sideways.

Out popped Jacob and Kaidan's face scrunched together in the middle.

"Jacob? What's... Did something happen with John?"

Jacob chuckled and waited by the ramp. "Come on, big guy. Don't make me carry you bridal style. It won't look good for anyone."

Bandaged, on crutches, and limping quite a bit. Shepard appeared.

Mrs. Alenko recognized him first, while Kaidan was in shock still. John's hair and scruff had grown out a bit since he'd been admitted to the hospital. He looked so different, but still exactly the same.

Once Shepard had made it down the ramp he paused.

"Hey, Kaidan."

"John..."

"It's... colder here than it was the last time I was here."

"Yeah. Winter."

Mrs. Alenko looked back and forth from her son to the Commander before stepping forward. "You must be exhausted, Commander. Why don't you come inside? I've been so anxious to meet you. Kaidan has... He's been so worried about you."

"Thank you, Ma'am. It's so strange to be on a planet that has seasons..." He laughed awkwardly and looked to Kaidan, smiling to him. "How are you, soldier?"

"..."

"Kaidan?"

It wasn't that John wasn't expecting an emotional reunion, it was just that Kaidan charging him and gripping him in a hug that just about lifted him off the ground wasn't really in his plans. All at once he was being hugged and kissed on the lips and then the forehead and then hugged again.

"John!!"

"C-Careful..." John grimaced at the hug, which he eagerly returned. "I know I look healthy but... believe me, I'm being held together by goddamned staples and a dream..."

"John..."

"N-No, don't cry... you... If you cry, you're going to make me cry!"

"I'm so glad you're okay... I thought you..." He was openly weeping into Shepard's neck. "I mean, you came back after two years the first time, I thought for sure you'd..."

"I'm okay now. I... I'm home."

And sure enough they were both crying, and then Mrs. Alenko was crying. And Jacob, cleared his throat and wiped his eyes and went to go tell Miranda that Shepard was still alive and fine after all, but that was to avoid actually crying too.

"You're... not going to leave again, are you?" Kaidan looked to him, and kissed him again, and then twice more for good measure. Mrs. Alenko was crying happy tears harder than Kaidan.

"Well, I'm not sure. Maybe if we can convince Miranda to come to Vancouver."

"...There's no way she's going to go for that." Kaidan laughed.

"Well... I don't know. I need to be with you from now on."

"What you need is to get better before you break a hip."

"Shows what you know, I already broke it. Along with... well, pretty much everything."

"How did you..."

"Escape? Well. That was actually Grunt's idea. Don't ask. It wasn't good for someone who's supposed to be in physical therapy for the next..." John made a face while counting then shrugged. "Who knows."

"Are you okay?"

John laughed. "Who cares?"

"I do, you idiot. You scared me half to death. You're lucky I love you and you're half-broken or..." Kaidan sighed. "Mom, this is John. Well. You know that. John, this is my mother."

"Nice to meet you. Sorry I can't curtsy right now." John chuckled.

Mrs. Alenko was a speechless crying disaster who could only mime that it wasn't a problem.

"...You really should be resting. In a hospital bed."

"I couldn't stay away from you." He sighed, breathing in the scent of Kaidan's hair. "You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up."

"I'm not a thing."

"Fine, first person. I'm trying to be sweet here..." John took a deep breath. "What I realized was... Well, I knew this a while ago, but it seemed like the kind of thing that was better to do after everything was settled. And... you know, I've been thinking about this for a while, but... there was always something else to do."

"And now?"

"The only thing I want to do right now is spend the rest of my life with you." John reached into his pocket and produced a black case that, when opened, had a ring inside of it. "Pretend I can get down on one knee for this but... Kaidan Alenko, will you marry me?"

Mrs. Alenko was crying, Kaidan was nodding and crying and muttering yes while kissing John. Now everyone was a crying disaster.

Jacob, weeping, held the recording device in his hand. "...This is so going to go viral..."

\- - -

The wedding - which took place on Earth in Vancouver once John had finally healed - had turned into a circus of an event. Originally, it was supposed to be a private ceremony but one thing led to another and half of the galaxy was sending wishes or trying to crash the ceremony. The engagement had lasted longer than expected, almost a full two years for John's injuries to heal. 

They would have gotten married sooner, but John demanded that he be able to walk down the aisle at his own wedding.

At one point there was talk of having the wedding in London. Or on the Citadel. And on Virmire, though that seemed off. But it ended up being in Vancouver, with the Destiny Ascension and the Migrant Fleet visible in the sky. They nearly drowned in cards and gifts from all over the galaxy.

But two weeks later, on the Citadel, things had started to calm down again.

"I'm so glad VIs exist and that Liara could help program a bunch of Glyphs... How do you respond to that many messages... I think the postal services must hate us."

"I'm just glad it's over." Kaidan sighed. "...I know we're... celebrities... but I wish it had just been us. And a few friends. And slow dancing without an audience."

"And that's why we're having the real wedding here."

Kaidan faked looking shocked. "The 'real' wedding? So all this time we've been living in sin?"

"I absolutely fucking hope so."

As they moved in to kiss, the sound of a deep ponderous voice cut them off.

"[Deeply emotional] The only thing I want to do right now is spend the rest of my life with you. [Mischievously and with great joy] Pretend I can get down on one knee for this but... Kaidan Alenko, will you marry me?"

"[Emotional jubilation] Of course my baby will marry you!!"

"[Bashful] Mother, please, allow me to accept for myself..."

"Jesus fuck me softly Christ, Tali. Why are you watching the elcor Men in Blue."

"Ssh... this part always makes me cry..." Tali was weeping and nasally inside the suit. "They're just so in love..."

"I know. I was there."

"Yes, but they... emote better."

"We should have killed Jacob when we had the chance." Kaidan sighed.

Tali began to sing softly under her breath as the credits rolled. "You're my Man in Blue... I've thought of none else but you..."

"She's singing it again." Kaidan sighed. Of course Tali was a fan of the musical version of Men in Blue. And of course she had sent them the soundtrack, lyrics, signed autographs from the actors, and pretty much every work of fanfiction that had ever been written on it.

"I like this song."

"...Fine, but our first dance is going to be by Lucky. Not Man in Blue. Right?"

"Yes, dear." John snickered.

"We still need to decide on a honeymoon destination."

"You could always come to Rannoch. Beachfront property." Tali chuckled.

"Nothing screams romance like pointing to a gorge and saying, 'That's where we had the Migrant Fleet blow up a Reaper, dear.'" Garrus chuckled to himself. "You could always visit Palaven. You know. See how things are doing."

"They obviously want to avoid the big cities. They should choose Rannoch."

"Well, we were thinking about Eden Prime..."

"No." Garrus and Tali answered in unison.

"So, anyway. Samara's on her way to officiate the ceremony..." Garrus cleared his throat. "I'm going to go and get ice."

"Can a Justicar officiate a marriage?"

"We're already married. It means more to have everyone important over in a nice intimate ceremony. Glyph's in charge of music."

"An appropriate playlist has been queued, Commander."

"Wait." Kaidan looked to Garrus. "Why do we need ice? What's wrong with the freezer? ...What did you do to the freezer."

"So, that ice isn't going to get itself..."

"I'm going to go with him. And make sure there are things even I can eat. I don't want to poison myself with cheese again..."

After a few moments.

"Well. I guess he's giving us a new refrigerator again."

Kaidan took a deep breath, and smiled. "...Despite the way everything turned out, I'm really... happy. Exhausted, but happy."

"Oh, wait til I'm done with you this evening."

"That reminds me, Mom's knitting you a sweater."

"How does THAT remind you?"

 

"...So... Now that it is just us... how... how long do you think we have for it to be just us, Mr. John Alenko...?"

"I don't know, Mr. Kaidan Shepard. Long and slow in bed, or quick and dirty on the kitchen countertop?"

"I was thinking slow and dirty on top of the piano."

"I fucking love you."

"You'd better. It's til death do us part, and you're not good at staying dead."

"I do love you, you know. I mean it. I really do love you."

"I love you too." Kaidan kissed him and gave him a suggestive look. "Now prove it."

"Sir, yes, sir!"


End file.
